[Clinical Notes] Secrets and Lies

In this edition of Clinical Notes, clinical psychologist Margarita Holmes delves deeper into two issues raised by a married Two-Pronged readers who are struggling with infidelity. In one situation, he has a “sexual affinity” for his younger sister-in-law, while in another, he is sexually attracted to his family’s household help. Dr Holmes delves deeper into the differences between the two situations and which would have a better chance at rehabilitation.

In 2015 and 2016, Two Pronged answered two different men who both had problems with behavior that could easily have broken up their marriages because it was a stark betrayal of their wives, of another unwilling (and in one case unaware) woman, and possibly of their ideal self concepts. 

The first was Al, who in two emails wrote that his “problem is that I’ve been having these urges towards our house helper” (READ: [Two Pronged] Hots for our helper) 

The second was Dan who wrote that his problem was, “I fantasized about my sister-in-law and recently I attempted to peep on her while she was showering. I got caught.” (READ: [Two Pronged] Peeping on my sister-in-law) 

Both these problems had to do with secrets and lies and yet for two reasons I felt that Al had a better chance of saving his marriage than Dan did: 1) Al told his wife exactly what happened as soon as possible; and 2) Al made no excuses for his behavior.

Thus, Al had a better chance of making a success of his rehabilitation – despite the fact that many may have felt that Al behaved much worse than Dan did, because he actually touched his helper, whereas Dan merely “tried” to peep while his sister was bathing and then stopped. 

You see, even if Dan stopped, it was not of his own volition. He didn’t stop because he realized “Omigod, what am I doing?!!? I am betraying not just my wife’s and her sister’s trust, but also who I want to be as a man.” Dan stopped simply because he got caught.

Despite this, the prognosis of Al’s and Dan’s marriages could still be equally positive if both men felt an equal sense of responsibility and thus felt a need to rectify the situation, However, that was not the case.

Al not only told his wife right away – he never seemed ready to explore ways he could get away with not telling her.  

Dan, however, was another kettle of fish. Obviously, trying to keep it a secret was part of his agenda, especially since he already had a ready set of excuses for his behavior.

To quote him, “It’s just that all our time together has made me have sexual intentions toward her…” and “I developed a sexual affinity for my younger sister-in-law who lives with us.”

To follow his reasoning above, the reason for his peeping on his sister in law was not really his fault—more like his sister-in-law’s for living with them. It really had nothing to do with his inability to control his behavior.

To follow it to its logical solution, his proposed solution makes sense: “I sincerely apologized to her and told her that, if she feels uncomfortable, she can stop living with us… She said she will go back to her house… since she was traumatized and has lost all her respect for me. I completely understand.”

I can practically hear Dan’s sigh of relief: he has made his suggestion that “you can stop living with us, if you feel like it… I completely understand (and will not try to stop you)” seem like her idea, and this effectively makes her bear all the consequences of his actions whereas he bears none. What a perfect solution for someone who thinks the way Dan does. 

Are objects of one’s fantasy to blame if you have them?

After all, Dan is not the only one to have fantasies about his sister-in-law or some other woman (or man). Some fantasies are even more complicated/involved than Dan’s. Some fantasies can be violent or involve people with whom it would be reprehensible to actually do something sexual.

Most of us have unwanted fantasies, but just deriving pleasure from thinking about them as opposed to actually acting on them is what separates the men from the boys. 

Thus, the issue is not so much what the fantasies are, but the ability to control them. 

Then there is Dan’s reaction to the situation: “I have lost all my self-respect and dignity,” and “I get squeamish every time I recall what I did and how I betrayed everyone’s trust” and “I am in deep regret right now and cannot function properly” seem to give the message that I suffered enough for my wrongdoing, can’t we stop it at that? Why do I have to make even more amends by telling my wife?

So most psychologists would ask: are his strong reactions really due merely to his having peeped, or due to his being caught? 

Many times, a person who willingly (and immediately) shares his angst, guilt, and shame before anyone else does is hoping we focus on this rather than on what really happened and what really must be done to make amends.  

There is more to write about the implications of DAN’s behavior, but I shall do this in a future column, when I compare his and Joe’s behavior. 

Abangan… – Rappler.com