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MANILA, Philippines – Almost a year since she last posted a video on YouTube, makeup guru, social media personality, and entrepreneur Michelle Phan has explained why she left.
In a video posted on June 1, Michelle spoke about her life and how she started posting makeup tutorials on YouTube.
“When you’re a child, you don’t really understand the concept of money, you just want to be happy. But money buys happiness, they say,” said Michelle at the beginning of the 11-minute animated video.
She recounted how, when she was young, she wanted to be a doctor, because her mom, a nail technician, said it would bring her success and money. Her parents constantly fought over money as well, she said, and she thought making money would make her family happy.
Michelle eventually gave art school a shot instead of taking up medicine.
Soon, her college expenses grew. After failing to get a job as a beauty advisor, Michelle was inspired to post her first makeup tutorial on YouTube. Below is the oldest video on her YouTube account as of writing.
Michelle said: “The early days of YouTube were magical. No one was really making videos for money. But once it was possible for creators to monetize their videos, I was able to leave my part-time job and turn this little hobby into a thriving career.
“I did it, mom. I became successful, and I was happy.”
It was through making YouTube videos that Michelle was able to help her family out.
Pitfalls of success
Michelle recalled moving away from her family in Florida to pursue more opportunities in California.
There, Michelle grew busier than ever: “I figured, the more productive I am, the more successful I’ll become, because money buys happiness. I grew to understand how happiness came at a cost, because I had to honor what I signed on the dotted line.”
Some of it was worth it, she said, because she was able to provide for her family and her mother was able to retire.
But soon, Michelle said she felt that she had become a product. “Who I was on camera and who I was in real life began to feel like strangers. Money can bring out the worst in people, and I was no exception. My insecurities got the worst of me. I became imprisoned by my own vanity and was never satisfied with how I looked.”
The makeup guru spoke about how she chose which photos to post on social media to make it seem like she was living the life she wanted.
Michelle also touched on the lawsuits that were filed against her. While she didn’t name any in particular, she was known to have been sued in July 2014 by Ultra Records.
According to The Hollywood Reporter, Ultra, home to artists like Kaskade, Deadmau5, and Calvin Harris, alleged that Michelle “embarked on a wholesale infringement of Plaintiffs’ musical compositions and recordings.” The case was settled in August 2015.
“The road to success is not only paved with failures, but you also become a target. I had to battle through several lawsuits from people who wanted a piece of it. This nightmare took a toll on me. It nearly broke me down,” said Michelle about her ordeal.
To cope, Michelle continued to be busy, taking on projects and working. Eventually, she said she felt disconnected from her friends, family, and viewers. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know what to do or who to talk to. I felt so alone. And I had too much pride to let you see me at my weakest. I felt so depressed, and I didn’t know why,” she said, explaining that was why she started posting less often.
Disconnecting
“I spent my whole life chasing after success only to find myself running away from the only thing that mattered – myself. In the end, I wasn’t fooling her, because deep down, I wasn’t happy,” said Michelle, before explaining that she moved from California to Switzerland.
She continued: “I’ve grown to learn how money can buy many things like peace of mind, comfort, status – anything but happiness… Although money can’t buy happiness, if there is one thing people wish they had more of, it’s time. So that’s what I did. With my money, I bought myself more time. Time to find myself before I lost myself.”
In Switzerland, she disconnected from the internet. She didn’t mention any dates in her video, but she didn’t post anything on Instagram between December 2015 and December 2016. Her last YouTube video was posted in July 2016. Below is her post from December 2015.
“With my mind at rest, I was able to reflect and confront my ego. Memories of my blurry past began to take shape. I was reminded of all the trials I went through and how those trials forged me. Every experience, choice, good or bad, molded me to become the person I am today. But they don’t control me. Recognizing this gave me the power and freedom to finally decide what I wanted for my own life. And I wanted to be happy.”
This time, Michelle pursued happiness by letting go of things that were holding her back and by making an effort to grow and learn.
“With the time I was able to buy, I spent most of it learning, dreaming, creating, and exploring the depths of my curiosity,” she said. “It wasn’t happiness I was looking for, it was the truth. My quest is still not over, there’s still so much more for me to discover and learn. And that takes time.”
So what now? Michelle admitted that she doesn’t know what the future holds yet, but she does want to keep creating.
In the time that she was away from YouTube, Michelle worked on a webcomic titled Helios Femina and relaunched her beauty brand, Em Cosmetics. – Rappler.com
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