[Two Pronged] My husband is a porn addict

Rappler’s Life and Style section now runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he enrolled in, and subsequently gave, workshops in work-life balance and gender sensitivity training. He has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and occasionally as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Dr Holmes needs no further introduction.

Dear Dra Holmes:

I am 33 years old and in a 6-year relationship with a man 5 years younger than me. We got married December 2011. We were sexually active on our first year together. Even though we were not married yet, we were open to his family, and I would sleep over at their place 2, 3 times a week.

When I didn’t sleep over, I found evidence of his masturbation and addiction to pornography. At first it didn’t bother me. But one time right before I went to his house, he just did it. Is what I am feeling wrong? I feel that he should’ve waited for me and not masturbated since he knew I was coming over.

After a year or so, I opened up to him. I was losing my self esteem. I asked a lot of people if they felt that what he was doing was normal. It reached a point that whenever I went to his place, nothing happened between us (sex). 

I’m not looking for sex, but if I am not with him, he watches porn and masturbates. I looked at the history of his computer and all the sites are porn sites. I know he masturbates because I know the cloth he uses to wipe his secretions.

We fought. I opened up to him na I am willing to help him ask for professional advice, and he flared up. We didn’t speak to each other until it reached a time when he told me he no longer watches porn or masturbates. But I still see evidence of all he does. Is the reason physical? But I am sexier and more beautiful than the women in these porn sites. Please help us before it’s too late. Alana

****

Dear Alana,

Thank you for your letter.

If I may summarize, you have known your husband (let’s call him John) for 6 years during which time you admit you have had ample evidence he is fond of masturbation and pornography (M&P). Despite this knowledge, you married him, yet now you have suddenly decided his behavior is unacceptable.

It strikes me that you are being very unreasonable. Let’s be clear about this. Your attitude would be totally understandable if after all this time you had just discovered his predilection for M&P. However, this is not the case. You have known about John’s behavior for years, you have tried to discuss it with him, and he has consistently refused to address your discomfort with his M&P, much less your desire that he change. Yet despite this knowledge and despite the problems it was causing between the two of you, you still went ahead and married him.

What has changed and why should you now be more upset at him than when you married him? If the answer is nothing, then you made your bed and now you can lie in it. If however there is some new development, it is a curious coincidence that you failed to mention it in your letter.

Re your statement, “I am sexier and more beautiful than the women in these porn sites,” I have two comments: 1) Women are very poor judges of what men find attractive, frequently using themselves as the yardstick. While entirely understandable, since their looks are one reason their partners chose them, men are visual and can be turned on by more than one type of woman. 2) The attraction of pornography for many men is precisely that the women portrayed are not like their girlfriends or their wives.

I shall leave it to Dr Holmes to put all this in a more clinical context if I am lucky, or to point out the error of my ways if it turns out I am misguided. All the best.

Jeremy

***

Thank you very much for your letter.  Jeremy asked you a question which can be used as the “clinical” crux of your dilemma: “What changed, so that you are now more upset at him for his M&P predilection than you used to be?”

My hypothesis is that it was your expectations (and fantasies) about marriage, including but not necessarily limited to:

1) The vow of “foreswearing all others till death us do part.” You took this to mean not only physically as in not having sex with anyone, but figuratively as in no sexual longings for anyone else. You also took this to mean not just real live women, but caricatures of them, such as the ones you see in porn movies.

2) The leave-it-to-Beaver and/or Donna-Read 1960’s interpretation of what marriage (at least in middle America, as portrayed by sitcoms) should be. This would mean mom/wife is always right even if Dad/husband initially seems the more rational of the two.

When you suggested you were willing to “help him ask for professional advice,” you were surprised he flared up. But it is perfectly understandable that he did. You busted him re. habits he may not necessarily have wanted you to know about. Also, the way you phrased your “offer” comes across as patronizing: You have the problem, not I. You need therapy, I don’t. Being patronized is one of the most irritating positions to be in. Couple that with being busted as a (supposedly) porn-addicted masturbator and there are few more flare-up-able offenses I can think of. 

“Flight into health” happens in therapy when the client convinces himself he has been “cured” of a problem because examining himself more closely becomes too painful. Your husband’s version, to convince you he no longer has what you think is a problem, is sad, and shows the trouble your marriage is in.

Jeremy and I are one in feeling your problem is neither physical nor fondness for pornography and masturbation. Your problem is you hesitate to share what it is you’re truly feeling. On your part: I am unhappy with the way things are. Why do I live with you only part-time despite our being already married? Will you still watch porn and masturbate when I live with you 100%?  I doubt you know his real concerns, so ask him and listen, Alana, instead of accusing him of a (yet unproven) addiction. Asking, listening, realizing you too have contributed to your marital problems are definite steps toward real conversations with each other. These are steps that will lead you to recovery, with or without therapy. Good luck! 

Margie – Rappler.com

  

(Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email desk@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.) 

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