[Two Pronged] My sisters hate my boyfriend

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I really don’t know what to do. I’m a single mom and I have a boyfriend, we’ve been together for almost 3 years. I really love him and I want to spend my life with him. But the problem is that my older sisters don’t like him. They are always telling me that my boyfriend is abusive when it comes to money. They believe that I’m always spending all of my money on my boyfriend and my boyfriend doesn’t have money at all.

Well, my boyfriend is working at home. He has a home-based job. He is also the breadwinner in the family; that’s why he cannot spend all of his money on me. My sisters are always telling me that he is no good for me and that I should look for another person who is rich and can take care of me and my son financially. I can’t do that because I had a problem with my ex (father of my son), and he cheated me a lot of times. 

I told my boyfriend what my sisters told me and he got really disappointed because he is not the kind of person my sisters saying he is. He said that if I could find another man, he will let me go even if it hurts. I’m really scared to look for another person and I love my boyfriend so much. Please help me with my problem. Thank you so much.

Holly 

————–

Dear Holly,

Thank you for your email. 

While it should be gratifying that our families are interested in ensuring that we all make happy marriages, it is often the case that they become excessively involved in something that in the final analysis the two people concerned should sort out for themselves.

However close they may be to the protagonists, relatives and friends are actually only bystanders, unaware of the nuances in the relationship and all too likely to apply their own standards, preferences and prejudices to a dynamic that they will never fully comprehend.

On the surface, your sisters seem to have your best interests at heart. Given a choice, most people would opt for a rich man over a poor man, a handsome man over an ugly man, etc. However, these are theoretical choices in an ideal world and your reality is that you love someone (let’s call him Jim) who has a home-based job and is his family’s sole breadwinner.

Now you are entitled to choose whomsoever you wish as your boyfriend/spouse, whatever others may say, provided of course that you are prepared to live with the consequences of your choice.

Not everyone is fortunate enough to make the ideal marriage and most have to settle for the best of what’s available. In your case, if you love Jim and are happy enough to accept the fact that his earnings will always go to his family of origin (his parents and siblings), leaving you as the sole breadwinner for yourself and your son, no one should have the right to deny you this – and even less so if all they can offer as an alternative is the fantasy of a rich man who doesn’t actually exist.

This leaves one other issue. Your choice of words – “his family’s sole breadwinner” – is instructive. It implies that you and/or Jim define Jim’s family as his family of origin, not you and your son and does not augur well for the long-term stability of your relationship with Jim. Ask yourself why “family” isn’t the 3 of you if he is as committed to the relationship as you are.

Please write again if there are more issues that you would like us to consider. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Holly: 

Thank you very much for your letter.   

I hope that what we share may help you broaden your perspective or help make you analyze your situation more deeply. Here are a few more questions and/or observations to add in addition to Jeremy’s insights, which I agree with 100%.

Let me start with is seemingly the most philosophical issue you wrote about: ““My sisters…..tell me he is no good for me; that I should look for another person who is rich and can take care of me and my son financially….” 

Do you agree with your sisters that it is a man’s responsibility to take care of his partner’s  financial needs? Because if you do, then Jim is definitely not the man for you. 

The reason I ask is that your following statement seems like it is saying one thing (that you agree) and yet gives an excuse for not behaving as you should if you really agreed (leave Jim so you can hook up with a partner more compatible with your template).

What you wrote was: “I can’t do that (look for a more financially responsible partner) because I had a problem with my ex (father of my son) that he cheated me a lot of times.” 

You are thinking in an either-or manner which is illogical.  Your ex may have been a cheater but it doesn’t mean that your next partner (should you decide to leave Jim) will be.  A man can take care of you financially and still be faithful to you. 

This could be the reason your sisters keep nagging you: you give them the impression that yes, you agree with them that a rich man would be better than Jim because the only reason you give for not following through with this search is that your ex- cheated before.  They may keep on nagging you because they want you to see how your faulty reasoning and unhappy past are getting in the way of your doing what you really want to do.

In other words, if you truly feel that a man should take care of his partner and her baby, then leave Jim and look for someone else. Do not let fear hold you back. …OR, at least, realize that fear is the only thing holding you back so you can work on that fear and do what you truly want to do.

I say this because of other things you say in your letter: “I have a boyfriend and we’ve been together for almost 3 years… I want to spend my life with him. But my older sisters don’t like him. They believe that I’m always spending all of my money on my boyfriend.”

You answered the above with: “Well, my boyfriend is working at home. He has a home-based job. He is also the breadwinner in the family.”But it is not really clear whether your sisters’ perceptions are accurate.  Even if he is the breadwinner of his family, it still doesn’t mean he has carte blanche to depend on you financially. 

You then added the sentence: “that’s why he cannot spend all of his money on me”  which is quite confusing. It is a given – because he is the breadwinner in his family – that he cannot spend all his money on you.

But to what extent does his being a breadwinner excuse him from contributing at least something to the life you three have together? Does he sometimes/always/never treat you both for lunch or dinner? Does he pay for the food he eats and the portion of the electricity he uses? Or is the understanding that, because he is his family of origin’s breadwinner, you have to be the breadwinner of your family of three? 

You also wrote “(My bf) said that if I could find another man, he will let me go even if it hurts.”  While these may seem like the words of a selfless person, they are also the words of a man unwilling to compromise, with the underlying message: “If you don’t agree with my supporting my family of origin, you can leave because I’m not changing.” 

He may be confident telling you this because, as you yourself have said, “ I’m really scared to look for another person.” Thus, at this present time, Jim knows there is no way you will look for someone else. 

But this is you today and you may change in the future – the very near future, in fact.  If that is what you truly want to do, please write to us again (and maybe even talk to your sisters if you like, but clearly and directly instead of giving mixed messages).  We will be very happy to help once more.  

Should you, however, feel that you want to stay with Jim not because you are willing to settle for second best but because you feel he is the best guy for you and your child, then by all means stay with him.  Good luck, dearest Holly, no matter what your decision is. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.