[Two Pronged] I’m not his #1 priority

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I have been separated from my husband of two decades for more than 5 years now. We have two kids. I am now with another man and we’ve been together for almost two years. He was also married before and has one child. 

While I’ve always been good with kids and my ex also had a kid prior to our marriage, I have been feeling a little bit confused about my relationship now.

My boyfriend would always tell me that his number one priority is his daughter. Too clear because he says it to me out of nowhere from time to time. We don’t go on vacations together and one Christmas he told me his gift for me should be cheaper than his gift for his daughter. He said that so randomly, I wasn’t even thinking of gifts! 

He told me he’s a middle child and that his parents ignored him for his two other siblings, that’s why I feel that he’s over-compensating. I’ve met his daughter before and she’s a little bit of a brat. Always acting up when she doesn’t get what she wants. I’m not used to tantrums like that because my kids don’t throw tantrums. Something as simple as her Dad (my bf) extending time at work will cause her to throw a tantrum. She once threw away an ice cream in the mall because she didn’t like the flavor. She’s 11 years old. 

As a parent her behavior shocks me but my bf’s reaction to that behavior shocks me even more. It’s like he tolerates it and would even be very defensive of her behavior even if I’m not saying anything. FYI I don’t say anything bout her behavior because I feel like it’s not my place.

The other night he told me even when we get married his daughter will always be his number one priority.

I do love him so much but what he said felt so much like a red flag. At the same time though, I feel guilty that it’s raising a red flag. Shouldn’t it be wonderful that he’s a devoted father? How come I feel that his relationship with his daughter is not healthy for the daughter? How come I feel that the relationship is not healthy also for me? Am I just being selfish?

Bea 

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Dear Bea,

Thank you for your email. 

Blended families or stepfamilies, where at least one parent has a child from a past relationship that is not related to the other parent, have problems just like traditional families, except that some of these problems are a little different: some of the children may live with an ex-spouse, an ex-spouse may interfere etc. Generally, however, the key issues for all families tend to be about managing relationships and priorities.

Critical in any blended family is the balance between the relationship of the partners and their individual relationships with their children. When it comes to the crunch, who is first priority: partner or child? Sometimes this can be clear-cut, other times it may be left unresolved, and of course it may depend on the circumstances. 

It seems that your boyfriend (let’s call him Jorge) is unequivocal about his priorities: his daughter comes first, you come second. She gets the big presents, he tolerates her bratty behavior. Whatever this may do to your ego, Jorge should at least get full marks for being honest and upfront with you. You certainly know where you stand with him on this issue.

The real question is therefore what you expect to get out of your relationship with Jorge, a man you claim to love very much despite ranking only second in his affections. Your account totally omits all other aspects of how he treats you, your children and the rest of your lives together. Presumably, if you love him ‘so much’, he is great with your kids, a good provider, plans to marry you and you all have a rosy future ahead of you.

But beware. When you look through the lens of love, you see things that outsiders do not and you interpret things differently. Conversely, you also do not see what others may see quite clearly.  What third parties may see as a complete slob, a lover may see as ‘untidy’ or ‘eccentric’. Prioritizing a daughter over a partner may seem the very opposite of love (for his partner) to third parties but the act of a devoted father to that same partner. 

For some people, your situation might seem very attractive. After all, the 11-year-old brat will grow up and learn to behave better. She may always get the more expensive presents but you too will get presents. She may be his #1 but once she is an adult with her own life that will be less of an issue. 

There is however an alternative scenario. The bratty kid grows up into a bratty adult, her inculcated sense of entitlement leads to ever more expensive presents (like laptops, cars, apartments) as well as other demands on his time and resources, grandchildren may appear and join her in taking precedence over you in his affections.

How it will play out is of course unknown so you need to decide what you want out of your relationship with Jorge. Is there enough there for you to accept that you will never be #1 in his life? If the answer is no, it is time to say goodbye to Jorge and his bratty daughter and move on with your life. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Bea: 

Thank you very much for your letter. In answer to your questions: 

Shouldn’t it be wonderful that he’s a devoted father?  Behaving this way towards his daughter does not necessarily make him a devoted father. It is easier for Jorge to be simplistic and interpret an otherwise possibly laudable goal (“My daughter is my #1 priority”) as meaning she can do anything she wants. But doesn’t making someone your priority mean you have her best interests (present and future) at heart? Doesn’t it also mean realizing that what you allow and forbid her to get away with now should also be intended to benefit her in the long run? 

It would be much harder for Jorge to ask himself to be nuanced and allow himself to make judgment calls when his daughter (let’s call her Ana) does something seemingly unacceptable. To live to the letter, instead of the spirit, of “My daughter is my #1 priority” is something that may be forgiven in someone who may not know any better, but not in a father. 

Making someone your priority means more than letting her get away with everything. It definitely means more than just behaving in a knee-jerk fashion whenever something needs more thinking through. While a mantra like “making my daughter my #1 priority” could very well be the mark of a devoted father, Jorge’s simplistic and easy-way-out interpretation leaves him well short.

All it does for Jorge is to allow him to continue to behave without thinking by taking the path of least resistance – doing what makes Ana least frazzled, including not blaming her for anything even if she is clearly at fault.  

That may make things seem better for Ana in the short run (I say “seem” because it may not even be better for her in the short run – especially if she generalizes, thinking all people are like her Dad, and behaves the same way in school, at her friends’ houses, etc.) But it will definitely not be better for Ana in the long run. 

His rigid attitudes towards life and love also need questioning.

Love is not a contest. Ana can be his #1 priority when it comes to children; you can be his #1 when it comes to partners. These are two different kinds of love. His love for you could help – or, at the very least, not hinder – his love for her. And vice versa.  

Anyone who fears that loving a woman may hinder his loving his daughter doesn’t seem to understand the true nature of love.  And will pass on his definition of love to his daughter…who will always look upon you as a rival for her father’s love.

How come I feel that the relationship is not healthy also for me? 

Because it isn’t. 

It isn’t because Jorge demands you accept your being #2 in his life as a requirement to your relationship. Who needs that?  

Am I just being selfish?  

No. You are merely being healthy. I can see at least two basic premises of your relationships that he has set. The first is his relationship with his daughter; the second is his partner’s unquestioning acceptance of any pronouncements he issues. In a relationship between equals, premises like these are weighed and discussed.

I cannot help feeling that if these basic premises are not ultimately rejected, then it is best you walk away from Jorge. He may be a pleasant diversion (at least when Ana isn’t around), he can even be a current partner, but allowing him to be more than that despite his selfish ways would be an injustice. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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