[Two Pronged] Is three a crowd?

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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'My husband asked permission that he wanted to have sex with another girl, a younger one – is it all right?'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

My husband asked permission that he wanted to have sex with another girl, a younger one…is it all right? He even told me that he truly loves me and our sex life is great. 

This thing has been bothering me since then, it’s so painful every time I think of my man having sex with another, but I said yes to him, and he even told me that now that I understood him, well in fact, I don’t, he will love me till the end of time… and he loves me more today than before. 

He told me about his father, he witnessed his father’s relationships with different women.

I feel l am losing my sanity, he often tells me that men are really like this, because I love him so much, I agreed, deep inside my heart is bleeding, 

What am I gonna do, I even created an FB account for him to be able to find friends who will indulge in this crazy thing, please help me.

Dr, Holmes, to date and this was according to my husband, the very day I allowed him to, no such act has been committed yet, somehow he is considering my feelings, he knows it will pain me a lot, but he insisted that he will still have sex with different women and I can’t do anything with that, and if I attempt to stop him it will be the end of our 12-year relationship.

I don’t know, I always try to understand what he is into, I mean is he sick or what, I know this isn’t right.

Just before this dilemma of mine, we used to have sex on phone. By the way, we are used to seeing each other Friday evening to Sunday, if not weekly at least 2 times a month. 

Eva 

————– 

Dear Eva, 

Thank you for your email.

Life in the 21st century is rich in relationship options. Ours is a world of parents, step-parents, single parents, same sex parents – blended families of all descriptions. Common law spouses, multiple families, mistresses, adultery and open marriages are all part of modern experience.

From your account it would seem at first sight that your husband (let’s call him Jim) is inviting you to have an open marriage. The admittedly sparse data available suggests that for open marriages to have a chance it is necessary for both partners to agree freely i.e. not under duress.

In addition, it is recommended, at least by some, that the partner suggesting this new arrangement concede to the other partner the first opportunity to form an external relationship, presumably to confirm the equality and consensuality of the new order.

You do not however state that Jim has offered you equal opportunity to find another partner and it is clear that your agreement is unnecessary anyway if we are to take him at his word and believe that he will go ahead with his plan to sleep with another woman whatever you say. So, if we discard the open marriage option, what he is actually suggesting is that you give him explicit license to stray.

People stay together for a vast number of reasons, often to the consternation of outsiders. Partners routinely overlook dalliances because the rest of the relationship gives them sufficient to prolong it. For some, financial security is far more important than fidelity. For others, infidelity may even be provide relief from having intercourse themselves.

Yet others may decide to persevere ‘for the sake of the children’, however dubious a proposition that might be, given the number of children scarred by their upbringing (like Jim, who “witnessed his father’s relationships with different women” and is intent on using the experience as an excuse for repeating the behavior). Suffice it to say, there are plenty who do not call up their lawyer when their partners dally. 

In your case, Eva, you need to decide what is important in your marriage. To love someone is fine but if the price of that love is to condone infidelity and be the subject of (the first of many?) ultimatums, you may wish to ask yourself whether your marriage vows, which are supposed to be mutual, have become more of a one way street.

You may then decide that as your love is not sufficiently reciprocated, the cost of the relationship is simply too great. Ultimately however, only you can weigh the relative pros and cons of your marriage to Jim.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Eva:

Thank you very much for your letter. Oh me, oh my, there are so many issues you’ve brought up in your letter, that need to be looked at more deeply. These include – but are not limited to – power dynamics, negotiation strategies, ultimatums, sacrifices made, effects of unfaithful fathers on their now-grown-(though-not-necessarily-mature) sons, etc. 

I think the best thing I can do is explain the reasons behind the above factors. Since this is not therapy so at most perhaps I can merely suggest what factors you may want to consider before you decide how you want your relationship to proceed. 

Power dynamics. It is pretty obvious that your husband has much more power than you do in your relationship. That is because it seems he is the only one who can state what he wants, whereas you dare not disagree with his wishes, much less state your own preferences, the way any individual is able to do with someone she believes her equal.  

I am not saying marriages between unequals don’t work, just that yours doesn’t seem to be working for you right now. It may have done so in the past, but his latest request – to sleep with other women – seems to have pushed you over the edge….as it would many women.

Negotiation strategies. Jim has most (if not all) of the power and you hardly have any (if at all).  Thus, you cannot negotiate with him. He has no need to do so because in his eyes,  you have nothing worthwhile he feels he needs and must negotiate for. 

Ultimatums. Jim has gotten so used to your simply being a yes girl that he gives ultimatums without even thinking about it.  And you simply have to take it, if you want your relationship wit him to continue

Sacrifices made. You have made so many sacrifices for him, Eva, including making an FB page for him to find women he can sleep with. Perhaps for you love is sacrifice, even to the point of martyrdom. I haven’t met Jim, so I can merely speculate about what love means to him, which it seems we can encapsulate in 3 words: I, me, myself.   

Effects of unfaithful fathers on their now-grown-(though-not-necessarily-mature) sons. And your point is? ….In other words, Eva, just because Jim witnessed his father’s relationships with different women does not mean he automatically becomes a philanderer himself. 

In my clinical experience, yes, many men say  their father’s philandering contributed greatly to their own philandering (whether that is simply an excuse depends on many things, of course).  

But just as many men eschew philandering for the very same reason. It is not simply your bad luck that you married a man from the former camp. You too contributed to this state of affairs.  And part of our helping you is to be willing to come across as the bad guy and very strongly suggest you see a therapist if you want to explore this further.

Believe me, I would much rather comfort you and agree that Jim is a son of a bitch.  But that is not what you need from us. (Besides I am hoping you have sufficient friends with whom you can share the considerable pain you are going through right now).

What I feel you need most is what I hope we have done:  share all we have above plus the following: 

1. Remind yourself that even memes can make sense; memes like  “If you expect the world to be fair because you were fair, you’re fooling yourself.  That’s like expecting the lion not to eat you because you didn’t eat him.”

2. Things can get better. Oftentimes they do. But not on their own. You need to work to make it happen. You need to believe that you can be joyful without Jim. 

In the same way President Obama inspired the American nation (at least, in my opinion, the smart ones in it) that  “…There’s never been anything false about hope.  We will begin the next great chapter in the American story with 3 words from coast to coast, from sea to shining sea “Yes we can.”  And so can you, dearest Eva. 

President Obama has said “Yes we can heal this nation and “Yes, we can repair this world.”   I hope you won’t think me too gaya gaya  (too much of a copycat) if I tell you that, “Yes you can heal yourself, Eva and yes you can, repair the hurt and anger you feel inside.”   

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

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