[Two Pronged] My lying girlfriend has a gun-toting ex-boyfriend

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I hope this message finds you well.

I would like to seek your professional help regarding my problem with my girlfriend.

I’ve had a girlfriend for 3 months now and we really love each other. My problem is I discovered that my girlfriend has been lying to me about everything she said to me before.

(i found out through her email, yes I invaded her privacy because I have this “kutob” (feeling). She’s not lying to me having a relationship with any other guy, (or I really don’t know if that’s the case). She had a previous relationship with a guy who is an OFW and they have 2 kids. And she said, she has a travel buddy who’s always comforted her since they were separated. 

According to her, they were just friends and their friendship just ended because he pulled a gun on her when she refused to accompany him in their company’s Christmas party. 

Well, let me cite some circumstances:

According to her, her relationship with her former partner ended February 2015 because she was beaten up. I found out that they are still in good terms up to last week of January 2016.  

She said that she had a condo where the “gun pulling happened,” I found out that condo belongs to her “travel buddy” and they were living together. She still denies to death that they did not have sexual relationship.

She said her former partner arrived in the Philippines last January and he was planning to marry his ex girlfriend last February. She even said to me that they had a fight in their home and got her left arm wounded. I found out that her former partner just arrived last February 28. There are other circumstances and situations she told me that her former partner was harassing her.

They are now separated and they both agreed that the custody of the children will be given to the father. I don’t know if this is true. 

She always creates scenarios that will make me feel nervous and worried.

The sad part is, when I confronted her, she’s still denying it and got mad at me and told me that that if I really loved her, I will let it go and start over again. Unfortunately, I really love her.

But since I discovered that she’s been lying to me, I’ve been really hurt, and feel betrayed and doubtful. Every time she said something to me, I get this confusion if she’s telling the truth or not. I now get easily irritated and really mapagduda (doubtful) to the point that I say bad words to her. I always demand proof of what she’s saying and if she can’t.”isang malutong na PI kagad at sinungaling ka” (I curse at her and tell her she’s a liar.)

Please help me on what should I do to change her because this is giving me sleepless nights and even affecting my health. 

Thank you very much and I hope to hear from you soon

Nate 

———

Dear Nate,

Thank you for your email.

Based on what you have told us, you appear to “love” a woman (let’s call her Jo) who is a congenital liar, has at least one gun-toting abusive ex-boyfriend, a minimum of two kids and in all likelihood any number of other hair-raising incidents in her past that you have not yet uncovered.

To say that she is not exactly the most desirable of life partners is merely to begin to describe her.

Your account of your relationship with Jo is devoid of even one positive characteristic. All you can say is that you love her, after a mere 3 months together, which leads me to wonder at your definition of love.

Dr Gary Chapman, author of The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, states: “People frequently have only a single definition of love and therefore are devastated when they and their partner fail to meet the standards that that definition imposes.” His book contains some interesting exercises to help determine individual love definitions and suggest ways to align a couple’s differing expectations.

Whatever your definition, Nate, yours is a love that leaves you nervous, worried, confused,

sleepless and concerned for your health. Now, while some types of love can leave you sleepless in a good way, yours is seriously impacting your life in a very bad way. 

Furthermore, to have a successful and fulfilling relationship, it is not sufficient for one party to love the other. It requires reciprocity, not necessarily like for like in equal measures, but at the very least a shared sense of those things that will contribute to a fulfilling life together, such as respect, communication, honesty. You however appear to be in a relationship in which love is almost entirely one-way.

As this column has stated on more than one occasion, the only person we can change is ourselves. It is therefore time, Nate, to say goodbye to this constant heartache, learn from your three months with Jo and move on to seek a partner who is willing to offer you the sort of love that you require.

All the best,

JAF Baer

  

Dear Nate:

Thank you very much for your letter. Your penultimate paragraph contains the plea to “Please help me on what should I do to change her…” However, as Mr Baer says in his answer “As this column has stated on more than one occasion, the only person we can change is ourselves.”  

I know the above can sometimes come across like a mantra whipped out by prissy therapists stuck for an answer (albeit clearly not in this case).  

Unfortunately, however, the truth is that you really can’t change anyone but yourself. The most you can hope for is that by changing yourself – your part in the relationship equation (or “system” as family therapists describe it) the other person will change in an effort to maintain homeostasis, which is “the family systems concept of the way things are in the family… (and) the tendency of any set of relationships to strive perpetually, in self-corrective ways, to preserve the organizing principles of its existence.” 

I do not know everything about your relationship although two things stand out: 

1. Your girlfriend has lived through enough relationships to more-than-satisfy most women
2. You seem way out of her league in terms of how many years you’ve spent in the school of hard knocks.

The second observation, by the way, can also be looked at as a compliment.  Being only in grade 3, for example, where as she has already graduated, even magna cum laude, from the school of hard knocks is something many would aspire to. 

At any rate, it seems obvious that the only sane thing to do with a woman who not only lies to you, but tries to manipulate you into thinking you are somehow lacking whenever you confront her when catching her out in a lie, is to leave. 

Because what you have tried so far, “I always demand proof of what she’s saying and if she can’t… “isang malutong na PI kagad at sinungaling ka.” 

Cursing her and accusing her of lying is your way of achieving homeostasis.

But think about it, Nate.  Have your words stopped her trying to deceive you? More to the point, is this really the sort of person you want to be?  Someone reduced to angry words and constant accusations?

You also said: “I now get easily irritated and really mapagduda to the point that I say bad words to her.”  Is this the person you want to continue to be? And irritable old man who doubts everything your partner tells you.  

You say: “The sad part is, when I confronted her, she’s still denying it and got mad at me and told me that that if I really love her, I will let it go and start over again. Unfortunately, i really love her…”

Actually, the saddest part is that you can give chapter and verse of each incident she has lied and yet excuse yourself and your unbelievable decision to still hold on this relationship  with the same tired old mantra “Unfortunately, I really love her…” 

If “the only person you can change is yourself” sometimes comes across like a meaningless mantra from beginning counselors, then “but I really love him (and thus can’t leave him)” is the laziest reason to stick it out ever to leave anyone’s lips. 

Think about it, Nate.

If someone came to you with your story, what would you suggest this person do?  Probably the same thing we and others have shared, right?   And yet if you persist in your relationship, it is because you are different and “really love her”?

In the end, Mr Baer and I wish you the very best in whatever your decision is.  All I ask is that you ask yourself why you persist in this relationship despite all evidence that the best thing is to leave? 

Has being with her has upset your parents and/or you friends? And if you haven’t told them, is it this subterfuge that excites you?  Is it partly because of the sense of danger this relationship gives you?  

Does it have something to do with the family you were brought up in?  Is it possible that you’re addicted to excitement? (Read here or here)

Or could it be because of something entirely different? Is there something else that you’re not telling us? 

Also, what is it about you that attracted her? You seem a far cry from her usual gun-toting “travel buddy” or harassing former partner who got her pregnant twice.  Does she see something deep in you that makes you as attractive as they?  After all, curses (like PI) can sometimes escalate to physical abuse.

Of course, maybe I am being unfair. Choosing you as her partner could show she has finally matured. However, nothing in what you write makes me consider this a reasonable hypothesis. 

The above issues are just for starters.  If you want help dealing with them, please write us again. But even if you don’t, we hope we’ve given you enough pointers to start thinking some things. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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