[Two Pronged] I don’t want to cheat anymore

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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'I know it's a sin. And I regret it. How do I change myself?'

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I saw in my Rappler news feed in FB that there are people confessing through your column. So I wanna try this.

I have done something terrible and I feel so guilty and dirty right now. Here’s my story.

I am a married woman with two kids. I met my husband in the company I am working for. So basically we’re officemates (but different departments). Ever since I had our two kids, I wasn’t that interested in making love anymore.

Then August of 2015, a guy officemate was assigned to our department. We got close but I was not attracted to him at first. And then I confessed to him that I had a crush on one of his office friends. He then suddenly flirted with me. I wasn’t able to control myself; I flirted back. There were times we sneak off just to kiss.

And then today, we had sex for the first time. After that we just went home just like that, and I was so disappointed that it was just like that to him. I feel used. Parausan lang? I texted him that I was disappointed but he didn’t text back. I hate myself for being this low. I feel so dirty. I thought at least he felt something for me aside from lust but I guess I was wrong.

I know it’s a sin. And I regret it. How do I change myself? It’s like when someone likes me, even if I’m in a relationship, I tend to like them and do whatever they want. It’s hard to say no. I have this history of jumping from one man to another.

I don’t wanna cheat anymore. I thought when I marry the man I love, my cheating spree would stop.

Thank you for reading my email.

Confused Chick

——————– 

Dear Confused Chick,

Thank you for your email.

You are not the only confused one here. There seem to be two separate people described in your account. The first is the wife and mother who after giving birth has lost her interest in sex. The second is a cheater with a history of jumping from one man to another because she finds it hard to say no. It would be tempting to suggest that this is a case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, but with all due respect to Robert Louis Stevenson we are not dealing with fiction here. 

You cite only one example of your cheating and lack of control – your office mate – and leave us wondering whether the rest of your untold story features the asexual mother and wife or the wanton woman, or possibly a combination of both. 

Dealing briefly with your recent fling, I can understand that you were disappointed when your bout of passion was not followed by romance, candlelit dinners and a diamond the size of Mount Apo but what exactly did you expect? Your officemate must be aware that you are married and indeed may well know your husband since you all work in the same company. Did you simply want more furtive fumblings in a corporate closet, or imagine it would lead to a relationship that would imperil your marriage, or what? The first is a tad at odds with your desire to stop cheating while the second would be reckless in the extreme.

As for ending your cheating spree, it is clear that knowing it is a ‘sin’ has not proven helpful so far. Perhaps consulting your priest/pastor might help; as an agnostic I am doubtful but stranger things have happened. Your hopes that marriage to the man you love would somehow inoculate you against cheating have also been dashed. Perhaps it is time to consider therapy so that you can begin to discover why this seemingly uncontrollable urge has such a powerful hold over you. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

   

Dear CC (Confused Chick):

Thank you very much for your letter. To my mind, Mr Baer has made the two most salient points that crystallize your situation, and I quote: 

1. “There seem to be two separate people described in your account. The first is the wife and mother, who after giving birth, has lost her interest in sex. The second is a cheater with a history of jumping from one man to another because she finds it hard to say no.”  

2. “Perhaps it is time to consider therapy so that you can begin to discover why this seemingly uncontrollable urge has such a powerful hold over you.” 

The first is an accurate description; the second a heartfelt suggestion which, if followed, will lead to a more stable, peaceful and hopefully, meaningful life, doing only what you truly want to do because you have better control of your moods, instead of being driven by impulses that come and go.   

Since Mr. Baer said everything that can be said about your situation, I hope you forgive me if I go out on a limb here by suggesting you explore if you have the mental disorder linked with great creativity (Virginia Woolf, Van Gogh, etc) and great achievement (Winston Churchill, Abraham Lincoln, etc) – Bipolar Disorder (BD)

The reason I suggest you explore the possibility of your having BD 2 is your honesty and ability to render a heartfelt description not only of your current situation but also of your sex (and a little of your love) history. I am sure there is a lot more that you could have shared with us, but you shared enough of your plight to render what is a common response among some people with BD when they experience hypomania – sexual promiscuity. 

It (your history) suggests you are happy/up when you have a love affair going and are distraught/down when it doesn’t turn out the way you want it to. 

You say “I don’t wanna cheat anymore.” I have no doubt you mean this. You come across as a loving and conscientious woman who wants to make the best of her marriage.  You even hoped that “when I marry the man I love, my cheating spree would stop.” 

Most people with mental disorders cannot go it alone. First, they need an accurate diagnosis from a mental health professional. This is the reason Mr Baer suggests you go for therapy.  Once armed with the appropriate diagnosis, people with some mental disorders can handle things on their own, with or without guidance from professionals, or even just with intelligent, caring friends and family.  Bipolar disorder is not one of them because it needs further psycho-education and possibly even medication.

So, while you are in an open enough frame of mind to seek help from others, I strongly urge you to go to a psychiatrist or clinical psychologist who may tell you if you have a mental disorder at all; and if so, if it is BD2 or not.  If you’re lucky, it will be. ☺ 

Good luck and all the very best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

 

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