[Two Pronged] Is there a monster inside me?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

Last year “Maria Gracia,” came home to renew ties with me. We didn’t speak to each other after high school (26 years). We did not part the best of friends but through technology we reconnected.

She was my first kiss. That one kiss led to many passionate kisses. I was not short of suitors but they labeled me “frigid.” But compared to those suitors – perhaps because she, too, is a UP graduate – she was witty and very bright, a delight to talk to. She is very pretty and athletic, too.   

After two months of talking, texting, messaging 24/7, she decided to come home to see me. After the initial jitters, it was like seeing, talking and laughing with your soulmate again. It was addictive, we were inseparable. 

She has a pending estafa case. Perhaps the reason I was doubtful was because of this.

Later, a side of me, my monstrous side, which I never thought existed, came out.  

As the relationship progressed, I became more emotional, angry and combative, accusing her of lying all the time. I forced her to describe how she kissed other girls she dated or slept with. She always said she just hugged or slept with them side by side (no sex). She says that her passion’s only for me, that she never got too passionate with the others because they weren’t me.

Lately the fights became violent. I’d hit her; she’d end up with bruises and hematomas all over. And she would never retaliate. Still she’d stand by her story insisting that, if I hadn’t turned her away in high school, she wouldn’t have engaged in those friendships.

Right now we haven’t seen each other for 3 months, except for that day when we both talked and cried. This is the usual with us. We cry a lot because I beg her to set me free, and then we make up. My husband has been verbally abusing me since the time I introduced them. He read one of her love letters and since then he is beside himself with rage at the mention of her name.

I am also bothered by my conscience because of the beatings I have given her. She never retaliates. Outside of my ragings, we would kiss each other very passionately. She tells me she loves me countless times each and every day. 

I desperately want to end our association but even now my blood boils imagining her with someone. What is wrong with me, Dr Holmes? Do I love and hate her that much which is why I behave this way?

I am currently in the letting go and moving on stage. It is painful and tedious for me. I am home alone.  Husband’s at work (a workaholic, with no sex drive,  but with ED, who hasn’t touched for 5 years. Would you say I was desperada? Please help me Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer.

Tina

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Dear Tina, 

Thank you for your email.

It is interesting that despite its wealth of detail your account makes no mention of the reason you did not pursue your relationship with Maria Gracia (MG) after high school. It may have been because society was even less tolerant in those days, or because you already suspected that she was fickle, untrustworthy etc. but frankly we have not been told and so we do not know. 

Furthermore we can only speculate as to why you chose to renew your friendship with MG so enthusiastically when she re-established contact after so long, though it may have had something to do with the unsatisfactory state of your marriage. 

More than quarter of a century after breaking off the relationship for the first time, you have a clearer idea of MG’s character and have decided to call it a day once again, but this time there is some residual baggage. While your reason tells you that the relationship is poisonous, your emotions remain entangled with MG, leaving you with feelings of extreme jealousy. In addition, you have yet to deal with the violence that the relationship unleashed.

Your current situation does not require you to take any quick decisions but a little introspection would not come amiss. Your marriage seems to exist only in name as your husband is both physically and emotionally absent. Is this really the way you, still only in your 40s, want to live the rest of your life or has MG at least opened your eyes to the possibility of a more fulfilling relationship? 

As for the violence, has this only manifested itself with MG or has it appeared in other areas of your life? Either way, it is a development that requires attention and Dr Holmes will address this further below.

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Tina:

Thank you very much for your letter, which deals with at least two reasons that may well be the obstacles to your continuing your relationship with Maria Gracia (MG).  Those two are your husband and your jealousy – leading to the violence in your relationship.

Mr Baer’s comments on your marriage may prove sufficient to help you find a better response: “Your marriage seems to exist only in name as your husband is both physically and emotionally absent. Is this really the way you, still only in your 40s, want to live the rest of your life or has MG at least opened your eyes to the possibility of a more fulfilling relationship?” 

Admittedly, I was pissed off at Mr Baer for leaving me to respond to what I felt the more difficult issue to deal. However, I realized how unfair that was because, in truth, it was smart of him to recuse himself from dealing with your both being part of a sexual minority.  

He has told me time and again that he needs more exposure and training to deal with LGBTQIA issues and I respect him for not commenting on issues he feels he has nothing to add to.

It is possible that your both being lesbians has nothing to do with “the sleeping monster” that has finally awakened in you. Please don’t worry, I shall not burden you with the unproven theory of the “violent, self-hating gay homophobe.”

In addition, I feel the violence your relationship has engendered has nothing to do with your sexual orientation and I have a theory, which may or may not resonate with you. 

You say it is your “monstrous side that you never knew existed” has come out.  She says it is your jealousy that caused your violence.

I find it hard to believe that her having had girlfriends after you parted 26 years ago is the reason for your violence. After all, you had no idea you would met up and strike up a relationship once more. You are also, apart from this “moment of madness” – which admittedly has lasted several months – a reasonable person not prone to unreasonable behavior.

Our culture seems to encourage the belief that “Love makes fools of us all” and no matter how rational we are in everything else, we become fools who rush in where angels fear to tread when we are in love.

Your violence is thus “proof” that you have never really loved anyone other than MG. 

I am not saying that it really is, of course. But to you both, in the throes of a passion you seem unable to control, this is proof that this, indeed, is love.  What else but true love could make monsters of you both – you as an avenging angel that shows no mercy, she as the dakilang martis (martyr wife)? 

What else but a love so passionate and true (and yet still not dare speak its name) can awake such powerful emotions, which lead us to ignore every boundary?

A variation of this excuse is the “It’s only because I love you too much.”   This excuse is constantly used buy men and a few women who behave as if RA 9262 (Anti-Violence Against Women and Their Children Act of 2004) didn’t exist! 

• “I am sorry I couldn’t control myself (It’s because I love you too much).”
• “I am sorry I have behaved in a way I never thought I could (It’s because I love you too much).”
• “I am sorry I was way out of line (It’s because I love you too much).”

Lovely, trying-to-be-honest Tina. It is possible you actually believe all the above. After all, while admitting you have a monster within you, the excuses above, well really, free you from the consequences of your behavior because it is done out of love.

You yourself have described your constant dance: Cry then make up, cry then make up. 

Lauren Martin was one among many writers who once said that “make-up sex is the best part of every relationship.”  

Every psychologist worth his salt will tell you that’s just not true, although yes, nothing can feel as good, intense, and thus addictive as the fantastic sex and declarations of love that happens after a big fight.

In fact, let me quote Dr Seth Myers, who said:

“…Most make-up sex results from having felt and expressed extreme negative emotions during a heated argument, without any true resolution afterward. Because these individuals get sick of feeling the negative extreme end of the spectrum, they hunger to switch gears and jump to the opposite end of the spectrum — to feel the high that comes with making up. Honestly, it’s not that different from an addict who needs a hit of cocaine.

“During make-up sex, couples often express extreme positive emotions and they reach a momentary state of bliss. They declare grand statements of love and feel, in that moment, that they are sure they belong together.

The problem: this isn’t real intimacy. Intimacy is about a mutual love and balance, while drama is about extremes and fantasies.”

Does any of this sound familiar, dearest, definitely-not-desperada Tina? 

I am not saying MG is not necessarily the love of your life.  But the only way you can find out is if you can find a safe (and maybe even quiet) place to explore what you are truly feeling and what sort of relationships you want to have for the rest of your life starting now.  

All the very best,

MG Holmes 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.