[Two Pronged] I am not happy anymore, but I still love him. Should I stay or go?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

 

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr. Baer,

I’m Sarah (alias only), living 8 years in Pampanga. I’m 23 years old. I have two kids; 3-year old son “Gabriel” from my former boyfriend and 8 month old “Sofia” from my current British boyfriend, “John.”  

I met John in a bar where I was working over 2 years ago. He was married at that time, with many different girls before we met. We had a great time together, traveling in Jakarta, and Singapore where he worked. He’s 44 but we really get along. I was so in love with him.

However, he also has a bad side. He loves to party to death with me and other girls in bars and spend lots of money, touching girls’ boobs, pussies, kissing the girls in front of me once he gets drunk.

I was paranoid at first, then I got used to it and accepted it because I truly loved him. He always says that for him, its nothing but just mainly for fun… But I can’t help it… (I’m just a Filipina who is in love with him and I don’t want any girls to touch him – even an inch!) But I can’t stop it or else we will have a huge fight.

He’s a sex addict. He loves to make love with me 3 times a day. Having sex in the morning before breakfast, in the afternoon, and before bed. At first I was depressed, but yes again, I get used to it in the name of love and our relationship… But sometimes I felt being scheduled to make love with him because of it. He loves to watch porn on different websites and also loves to make porn of me and him. He loves everything connected to sex.

Whenever we disagree he blames me for everything, saying I ruined his family and that I was desperate to get pregnant to get money from him. Untrue. I was a very independent woman before I met him and he knew it. He’s just really blaming me and making an issue. He knows I love him so much!

Today, he got drunk. He’s in Korea working, and I’m in the Philippines. He said that “he will never talk to me ever again,” “Too many nice people in this world,” “Don’t need to waste my time with someone like you” (I don’t know what’s his problem with me, we have good sex all the time, and he would say I’m amazing), “I’m blocking you now.”

He tried to physically hurt me 3 times, kicking me like he wants to kill me.  I was scared and couldn’t ask for help in the middle of a hotel. No one knows that he hurt me.

He’s transforming into a monster specially when he is drunk. He blames me for not making friends with his girlfriends, which is really disrespectful for me. He blames me about money all the time, that I am using him, blah bla bla. He blows up once I disagree with him, insulting me.

But whenever I will talk about sex, he will be nice to me again, like an angel. I am so sick of it. Enough is enough. I can work for my kids too. I’m not into that “Easy Get Rich,” thing really.

Do you think, Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer, that it’s time for me let him go so he can do what he wants in life? And so I can move on with mine too? I feel like I’m wasting his time with me because I wasn’t perfect for his expectations of our relationship and he is not happy. I’m always insulted that whenever he blames me over things, I have nothing to say because he provides money in our house.

I felt like I’m not enough for him, like I’m not doing well enough to make him happy. 

He is cool with me if I go back to a bar to work (which I truthfully hate). I don’t get it, why would he be okay with it in the first place?! I think he’s insane. I get so depressed over it, and I don’t know what to do. I have nobody to talk because I’m surrounded by 2 little kids in the house everyday.

People here think every Filipina only wants to be in a relationship with a  foreigner because of money. I am so confused. I am not happy anymore but I still love him. He is my best friend. I still want to marry him this year as we planned.

What am I supposed to do? He seems to want to end our relationship. I’m really having a hard time. I don’t want to chase him for money. I can work well to support my kids.

Sarah Depressed

———————– 

Dear Sarah Depressed (SD),

Thank you for your email.

First, I should perhaps apologize to readers for a second column in the space of six weeks featuring one of my fellow countrymen. In my defense, I would mention that (a) I do not choose the nationalities of our writers’ boyfriends and (b) I am not blind to the imperfections of my tribe, as I hope is clear from my responses.

Having said that, I do not think that SD’s issues revolve around the nationality of her boyfriend – Brexit or no Brexit.

SD, your email enumerates all the faults that you find in your boyfriend: his girlfriends, his behavior when drunk, his willingness for you to work in a bar, his physical and verbal abuse – yet you say that you still love John and want to marry him.

You are not alone in thinking this way as we get many letters which tell us a similar story. I wonder if this isn’t a version of the unwillingness of many victims of violence against women to leave their abusers.

Alternatively, the issue may have more to do with how we each define love. There is the textbook version based on living happily ever after – the version we grew up with based on the examples of our parents and other adults around us – and then our own experiences which are themselves subject to societal and family influence.

It is no wonder, therefore, that there is an overwhelming temptation to redefine love to fit within the parameters of our own lives. In your case, SD, you initially had a wonderful time with John, travelled a lot, were great friends, had good sex and were sufficiently committed to have had a child with him. Given sufficient investment in the relationship, it can become seductively easy to label the positive facets as “love.”

As for marriage, SD, you may wish to reconsider your enthusiasm for this step in the light of John’s physical and verbal abuse – not to mention your own unhappiness within the relationship.

Do you really want to perpetuate the cycle? Would you not be better off doing what you say you want to do: working and supporting your children yourself?

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Sarah Depressed (SD):

Thank you very much for your letter.  There is so much I want to say to you and so little space in which to do so!  To make things not easier but less soul numbingly hard to deal with, I will make you two promises.  

First: reassure you that our response doesn’t stop here.  I will be writing another article – this time for Clinical Notes – to put into context all the other things that are going on in your life.

I have no doubt you can support yourself and your two children on your own.  You are hardworking, intelligent and relationship savvy (EQ). In addition, you are probably a hell of a good-looking girl. These are probably the reasons you will earn enough if you go back to working in a bar.  

However, these very same qualities are what will make you a fine teacher or, indeed, a good psychotherapist given the training. Hindi ito suntok sa buwan. Hindi kita binobola. (I’m not merely flattering you. I’m not dangling a carrot you could never reach.)

It is clear from your letter that you have (1) the nous which one either has or doesn’t, (2) can acquire the know-how, provided you have the time, perseverance, and alas, a wee bit of money, and finally (3) the tiis (the ability to sacrifice) to work for what you want.

This will all be clearer when I write the Clinical Notes.

Second, I will answer the direct questions you asked as succinctly as possible, but with some commentary in between, ok?

SD: Do you think it’s time for me let him go so he can do what he wants in life and so I can move on with mine too?

MGH: Yes, it is definitely time to let him go. But the main reason is definitely not so he can do what he wants in life, but so that you can move on with yours.  

The quality of your life and those of Gabriel’s and Sofia’s are the priority here – not his.

He is a big boy and can take care of himself.  But he can do that only when he stops using alcohol and sex to distract him; only when he stops using you as a punching bag both figuratively and literally.  Who knows how long that will take or – indeed – if he will be able to stop at all?

SD: I feel like I’m wasting his time with me.

MGH: Yes, he is wasting his time, but not because of you. Right now, all he does is wallow. He wallows in alcohol, sex and bullying you when things overwhelm him. This is when he is in “party mode.” He also wallows in his own deluded self righteousness (that things would’ve been different if you had not walked into his life). This is when he’s in “Let’s take-it-all-out-on-Sarah mode.”

The best thing you can do for yourself and your children is to leave him. Happily, leaving him is also the best thing you can do for him.

SD: I felt like I’m not enough for him, like I’m not doing well enough to make him happy. 

MGH: John is always giving you that message: that you are not enough for him. You do not have to accept it as the truth because it isn’t.

“Garbage in and garbage out” is the tack to take when he starts spouting these inanities.

If he isn’t happy, that’s tough. That is his fault, not yours.  After all, he can always leave you – which he hasn’t because then he would have no one else to blame but himself for the sorry state he’s in.

In like manner, dearest Sarah, you too can always leave him. It’s what you’ve been telling yourself you can do. Do yourself and him the favor by putting your money where your mouth is and leave.

Please wait for my Clinical Notes column, Sarah?  

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.