[Two Pronged] He cheated, got me pregnant, and left me. Should I still fight for him?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

My husband and are married for 13 years now. We have 3 lovely kids. My issues started when my husband started working overseas. It was a smooth long distance relationship in the first 3 months; everyday he never failed to talk to me and kids. We agreed that I will follow him and look for a job while the kids stayed with my parents in the Philippines. 

Unfortunately, everything changed when my kids found out that he is sharing a room with female roommates when we thought he was renting with all males in the room. He told me honestly that he and his male room mates agreed to kept it from their wives and girlfriends about the female roommates to avoid conflicts.

We had trust issues in the past. He already cheated on me before and I got to the point where I sought legal advice because I caught him having sex with other women in our house. But, we reconciled.

After my kids discovered their situation, he got cold. One day, he blurted out that he realized he does not love me anymore. I kept asking for reasons but he didn’t give any, instead suggesting I follow him so we can talk about it. Without any hesitation, I went there to work things out. Unfortunately my husband decided to go separate ways because he does not love me anymore.  

I went back here to Philippines and decided to work, for my kids. We lost communication. He seldom communicated with the kids.

Early this year, he told my kids that he will be back here in the Philippines since he lost his job. He stayed with his mom. One day he asked me to meet him for his pasalubong for the kids. We communicated again and we reconciled. He insisted that this will be the last chance that we will try.

He even established conditions like: we wont talk anything about the past, I’m not allowed to check his phone and vice versa, no sharing of email and social media account password. We’re not even friends on Facebook. I really love my husband and I don’t want a broken family so I gave my best shot and agreed on those conditions. 

His employment pass was rejected and he was depressed. He applied for a job with my current employer. After a few weeks of no response, he told me that he considered going back overseas. He wanted to go on separate ways again. He even told me that he will give me the full custody of the kids and will send financial support for them. I was devastated for the nth time. After a few days I found out that I was pregnant but due to depression and stress I had a miscarriage.

A few days after, he sent me a message and told me that he felt sorry for his wrong decision to reconcile again. He admitted that it was his mistake. I told him that he got me pregnant but the baby didn’t make it. He blurted out that it’s not his child. I never cheated on my husband. I didn’t even know why he’s accusing me of that. 

Before he left, he kept asking me to meet him for the last time, for closure but I didn’t respond. Until now, I’m still in pain and still trying to move on for my kids. I felt pity for my children. But I have to face this on my own. 

Do I have to continue fighting for this or should I give up? 

Kara

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Dear Kara,

Thank you for your email.

I must confess (yet again!) to a degree of confusion over your situation. On the one hand, you accuse your husband (let’s call him Aldo) of a litany of faults, not least of which are philandering, not loving you and not caring for his children. Yet in virtually the same breath you say that you love him and you don’t want a broken marriage. 

Well, Kara, the fact is that your marriage is already broken and has been for some time. Furthermore, Aldo has made it abundantly clear that he is happy with it that way and has no intention of saving it. As for your ‘love,’ maybe it’s time for you to start analyzing quite what you mean by this since the picture you paint of Aldo is extremely unsympathetic. Why should you love someone who treats you like dirt, cheats on you, lies to you, accuses you of infidelity, ignores his children etc.? 

A possible motive for such an irrational stance would be if you were some sort of religious zealot who believed that she was chosen by her god to bear this burden. It would then at least make some sort of warped sense, but you make no mention of such leanings.

As it is, Aldo seems a very poor husband and father, not the sort of person your children should be exposed to as a supposed role model at all. And by chasing after him every time, kowtowing to all his conditions for reconciliation, just think what message you are sending to your children about how much a wife should accept, how a marriage should work etc. 

So in answer to your final question “Do I have to continue fighting for this or should I give up?” I would suggest that you should give up any further idea of reconciliation and fight for a future for yourself and your children that does not include Aldo, other than child support! 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Kara: 

Thank you very much for your letter. You asked: “Do I have to continue fighting for this or should I give up?”

If by “this” you mean the relationship you have with your husband, then definitely not. You do not have to do anything to try resuscitating that dead horse. It has died a natural death, and will remain so as long as you continue to not respond to any more of his requests.  

The penultimate paragraph of your letter was the first time I felt a glimmer of hope. That was the first time you did not do his bidding, much of which was calculated to keep you from finding out about any of his extracurricular activities and/or cut off at the pass any questions about where he hoped your relationship would take the family. All his statements and his actions all point to the same goal—maximum comfort with minimum effort on his part. 

Even his reaction when you told him you were pregnant – “it’s not mine” – shows he cares only for himself – not for you, not for your family, not even for the baby that might have been.

For the longest time, you have given in to him at every turn. 

If insanity could really be described as doing the same thing again and again and yet always expecting a different response, I would have definitely described you as insane up until the last time he left to work abroad. Because, before this last trip, you would always do as he asked, perhaps hoping this would bring him back to you again which, in a way, it did…but only until something else came up. And you were trying to find a way to claw yourself back into his life again. 

But this time you changed. I do not know what gave you the insight and courage to do so – was it the realization that, if he could accuse you of infidelity after all he knows about you, then he is really a hopeless case? Whatever it was, it is wonderful that you did!  

It wasn’t easy to do so, it probably hurt a hell of a lot, and what’s worse, you don’t know when you will start feeling better, but believe me, feel better you will.  That is because, for the first time in your life, you are responding more to your own needs than to his (as it should be). 

For the first time in your life, you have shown your kids what it means to hold your head up high and do what you have to do, no matter what you have to go through. Pity them? Au contraire, behaving as you do now is giving them a chance to learn the best lessons in life, such as: Life isn’t perfect, and we don’t always get what we want, but we can still do a lot for ourselves and for other people. Also, that refusing to be manipulated yet another time by a man we used to love (and possibly still do) can be damn difficult but it will be worth it in the end.

More than that, your children will learn the above life lessons from you, the person they love the most. In my mind, not only should your children not be pitied, they are, in fact, to be envied. 

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.