[Two Pronged] My friend’s boyfriend hit on me

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer,

Beth is a close friend I have known for a long time, who has gone through tough relationships, something we both share – from a failed marriage to succeeding boyfriends who didn’t treat her well. 

So it was such a relief when she finally met this decent businessman, divorced, sweet, generous, loving, sociable, and good-looking but not the playboy type. Her family and friends, including myself, all approved. I was so happy seeing her happy and secure.

She and I try to catch up whenever we can, sometimes just the two of us, other times with her boyfriend (and with mine, when I still had one), or with other friends.  

One night,  a few months ago, when the 3 of us – she and her BF (let’s call him Leo) and I had a night out of dinner, drinks, and dancing. Beth had one too many drinks, while I tried to keep her sober on the dance floor, and Leo was just amusedly watching us. Then when he joined us, and Beth was merrily dancing away, Leo faced me and whispered something. I did not hear it at first, but he whispered again and I thought I heard him say “kiss.” I brushed it aside, thinking, ‘I’m sure I did not hear him right.’

My driver and I dropped them off after our clubbing, where Beth was just too wasted, sitting in the car. Upon arriving at their apartment, I helped Leo get her out of the car. When they were about to walk towards their front entrance, Leo walked back to me and then hurriedly kissed me in the mouth. I was in shock.

As soon as I got to my place, he messaged and asked if I was home already, to which I said yes, then asked how Beth was doing. He said she was already out cold, and then added, ‘Would you want to come back here?’

Of course I brushed him aside, just answered “Hahaha, go to sleep now,” and then went to bed wondering where all this came from. I have been bothered by what he did, asking myself, should I tell my dear friend what her BF attempted? The answer of course is NO. I would most likely, end up being blamed, accused of making the first move. No one would believe he is the type to ‘play around.’ No one.

Plus, she is happy with him. They both seem to be anyway.

My question: Why do men do that? I know it is not my place to even hint to her of the possibility of this BF doing it, not only to me but to other women as well. And what if, unlike me, who did not reciprocate, other/s did/do? What if in the long run, he gets caught and she is once again heartbroken? Do I feel guilty now about being quiet about it? I think I am just trying to understand, really, men in general, and how they are able to make women like me feel the burden of hiding a dark secret for the sake of friendship. As I am sure they know we, the loyal friends, will never spill.

So I guess I should just go about my merry way, pretend it never happened, continue to spend time with her, avoid him, and pray all will be well for both of them. Or should I confront him and tell him he better shape up? 

Thank you and merry holidays to you both.

Love, 

Erica

————  

Dear Erica,

Thank you for your email.

First, we need to consider the question of Leo’s behavior. There seems no doubt that Leo crossed the line, not just once but three times in a single night, and while a whispered word or a clumsy drunken kiss might not be considered the end of the world, his invitation to you to go over while Beth was out cold was definitely beyond the pale. 

You ask why men behave like this and why they should expect the object of their rejected affections to keep quiet? 

Well, men are biologically programmed to inseminate as many women as they can and the medical progress over the last 100 years or so in such fields as child mortality, fertility treatment, contraception etc. has yet to modify the thousands of years of that programming and behavior. Of course, it should also be stated that men have had an equal time to learn that not every itch has to be scratched and these lessons start early – even children are taught that there are limits to self-gratification and that self-restraint is a virtue to be assiduously acquired.  

As for their victims keeping quiet, you have only to consider your own situation to see that caught between the Scylla of silence and the Charybdis of risking your friendship with Beth, you yourself favor silence.  

So how should you respond?  

You have several suggestions: silence, confront Leo, or tell Beth. Silence is without doubt the least confrontational option. You pretend the pass never happened or at least minimize its importance, or blame it on your fevered imagination, or attribute it to an excess of alcohol, or indeed, a combination of these. The problem is that you now carry the burden of your silence alone. What if Beth marries him, he turns out to be a philanderer and you think you could have prevented the whole train wreck if you had warned her? 

However, the other two alternatives pose equal though different dangers. Telling Beth may, as you suggest, imperil your friendship, while confronting Leo, by exposing you to further time alone with him, may encourage him to try another pass or persuade him to take precautionary measures such as confiding to Beth (reluctantly) that you, not he, made the pass. 

Given that all these are fraught with danger of one sort or another, perhaps another option could be to invent a scenario with an imaginary friend and ask Beth how she would handle precisely your situation. Would she tell the friend, confront the man, or keep quiet? Her answer may not solve your problem fully, but it will at least help you make a more informed decision.

All the best,

JAF Baer

  

Dear Erica,

Thank you very much for your letter even if – GRRRR – it made me work far more during this holiday season that I had intended to. Joke lang, okay? But only the GRRRR part is. Yes, I did work harder, but I am happier for having done so.  

This is not the first time I have been asked the very questions you have asked me, and each time I struggle to answer them as best I can.

A lot depends on the situation, of course, and I am relieved that you have decided, even before writing us, that to keep silent is the better option.  

I am even happier that Mr Baer, who personally believes – and, alas, practices  – “honesty above all, no matter who or how much it hurts,” has remained objective and non-directive enough to suggest the CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy) – like the exercise of asking Beth whether she would “tell the friend, confront the man, keep quiet” or do something completely different, if what happened to you happened to her.  

If her answer/s to this exercise do/does not give you a clear enough picture of how best to proceed, you might even ask her the reasons she chose the particular option she did, thus giving you an inkling of what factors matter most to her. As Mr Baer says, “her answer may not solve your problem fully but it will at least help you make a more informed decision.

Allow me, therefore, to answer your more general questions: 

1. “Why do men do that?” and
2. “How they are able to make women like me feel the burden of hiding a dark secret for the sake of friendship?” 

Answers: 

1. Not all men do what Leo did. Mainly extremely self-centered, immature men with a strong sense of entitlement do. Let’s face it: You would have to be an a**hole to humiliate your partner by coming on to her friends when there are a million other women you could come on to.
2. Because we women let them. I honestly don’t know for sure if this is a good thing or a bad thing in general, but I think that is mainly because there is no “in general” about it.  

As in all things in clinical psychology, answers are on a case-to-case, individual-to-individual basis.  Mr Baer and I have lots of theories on why men behave this way – are they just too lazy to look for another sports club? Is that why they make passes at women who belong to the same tennis club as their wives? Girlfriends? We also have a lot of theories on why women let men like this get away with so much. But do write us again if you want to read about them, okay?

Best wishes and happy holidays,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.