[Two Pronged] Trust and a philandering husband

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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[Two Pronged] Trust and a philandering husband
A woman asks how she can 'restore trust' in her cheating husband

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Marge and Mr Baer,

[My husband and I] have been married for 8 years now and were in a relationship for 7 years before getting married. I am a one-man woman who has been loyal to my spouse from the moment we started dating up to the present.

Our problem arose when I learned about his emotional relationship (that is how he defined it, because according to him, it never went physical) with his secretary early this year. The way I found it out was through the woman’s husband, who hacked her Facebook account and sent me the screenshots of their conversation. It hurts the most learning about it from a person that I don’t know, instead of learning about it from my husband, as I thought that we were open to one another. 

After 8 years of marriage, he also confided the 4 times he cheated on me, revealing that he had sexual intercourse with other women. According to him, it all happened before we got married but were already dating.

I was heartbroken, because I dedicated and aligned my life to him. What hurts the most is that he is a devoted Christian and even speaks in church most Sundays. I was confident that he practiced what he preached. He asked for forgiveness and promised to be loyal this time but right now, I don’t know what to believe anymore as it turns out that I don’t really know him (especially his urges) after all this years.

I cannot leave him at this point as I am transitioning from being an employee at a private company to establishing my own business.  We also have 2 kids who will be needing a father figure as they grow up.

Please enlighten my mind and help me learn how to restore my trust after all that happened.

Yours truly,

Heartbroken Mom

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Dear Heartbroken Mom (HM),

Thank you for your email.

So, after being together for 15 years, you have discovered that your husband (let’s call him Ben) had affairs while he was courting you and is currently involved with his secretary. To make matters worse, your supposed soulmate, a devout Christian, is also a complete hypocrite, preaching on Sundays and not practicing his own message the rest of the week.

It seems that your first inclination, unmoved as you were by his protestations that there was no actual physical relationship with his secretary, was to leave him but sensibly practicalities such as finances and timing have stayed your hand.

So far, so good – or if not good, at least understandable.

But then you raise two further issues. You say that your kids need a father figure and you want to restore your trust in Ben.

Parents may well be role models for their children but you should remember that kids will absorb both the good and the bad. After all, values are caught, not taught. It is therefore wise to consider whether you want your children to continue to be exposed to a man who is blissfully happy directing others to live a Christian life (which presumably includes fidelity) while equally blissfully living his own life along radically different lines. Are infidelity and hypocrisy really values you want your children to acquire? And don’t forget there are plenty of other adult male role models that can take Ben’s place – family members, teachers, etc.

And what about you? How to do you want your children to understand what it means to be a woman and a wife? They are unlikely to believe stories about strong, independent women who have equal status with men in our modern world if their own mother continues to live subjugated to a hypocritical philanderer.

Finally, you say you want to restore your trust in Ben. You are quite frankly seeking the impossible. It is Ben who should be restoring trust, not you. You cannot change him. Sure, you can provide him with possible incentives, like threatening to leave him or exposing his hypocrisy to his church brethren. But ultimately, only he can decide whether he wishes to mend his ways and thus restore your trust in him.

So you have choices which at a minimum could include: waiting ’til you are financially independent enough to go your own way and/or “incentivizing” Ben to return to the fold.

All the best,

JAF Baer

Illustration by Nico Villarete

Dear Heartbroken Mom (HM),

Thank you very much for your letter. At the risk of coming across as biased, I must admit that this is one of the few times I agree 100 percent with all that Mr Baer says.

I agree that, while your children may benefit from role models (not necessary a father figure as in male role models) your husband, their biological father, is hardly the best person for them to emulate.

I agree that it is Ben who should be restoring trust, not you.

Frankly, it would be foolish to trust Ben now. So far, he has done nothing for you to trust him, after your discovering his relationship with his secretary.

Sure, “he asked for forgiveness and promised to be loyal this time,” but that is what every man caught being unfaithful does, whether he really means it, hopes to mollify you so that you do nothing further, or has plans to continue doing what he has been caught at, but merely more discreetly.

Has he found his secretary another job? Has he given you the passwords for his Facebook and email accounts? Is his phone as accessible to you as yours is to him? While all these behaviors do not necessarily guarantee his truly being faithful from now on, his refusal or even hesitation to do these are possible clues that he has no intention of keeping his promise to be loyal.

It is the same promise (even if unstated) he has made to the congregation, to you, and to himself (unless he was crossing his fingers while speaking in church): the promise to, as you say, practice what he preaches. Has he recoiled in shock at the hypocrisy of being a person to admire when at the same time he was having this relationship with his secretary? Somehow, I doubt it.

I know “sinners” also go up to the pulpit and humbly ask for forgiveness (like your husband!), vow never to behave the same way (again, like your husband) but they still expect kudos because of their supposed turnaround, don’t they? After all, no one but a supposedly reformed person would be allowed to go and speak before the Church. Speaking of which, what might happen if you suggest that next Sunday, he talks about how he betrayed his marital vows but has firm resolve never to do it again? How might he react to that?

You do not even trust him to behave decently if you leave him. That is one of the reasons you gave for not doing so right now, isn’t it? That you are “transitioning from being an employee at a private company to establishing my own business?”

Do you trust him to behave decently and to now practice what he preaches, right? It was a heartbreaking discovery that he wasn’t, but surely now that he has asked for your forgiveness, he will do his best to live up to his principles? These principles would include fulfilling his commitment regarding the support (financial, emotional, etc) you were counting on for the business you want to establish?

I would think a man truly sorry for his behavior would do all he could to get you to trust him again. You would not be asking the impossible from him; you would, in fact, merely be asking him to behave like any decent human being would.

Dearest HM, in truth, I am not expecting you to leave him right now. For one thing, you must see a lawyer first to explore both your (and his) rights and responsibilities and to determine what you can legally expect (demand) from him. It is okay to hope he will behave with integrity, but as the saying goes, you (may) “hope for the best, but (definitely) prepare for the worst.” In my clinical experience, goodwill is possible at the beginning of a divorce/separation but slowly diminishes as the negotiations continue, as is to be expected. But you don’t want to be caught flat footed once more, the way you were this time, right?

I am so sorry this letter is not encouraging you to stick it out to the end, but frankly, Ben has behaved in a manner that does not encourage further trust. In fact, he has behaved the exact opposite – I do not mean regarding his relationship with his secretary. Frankly, whether he actually slept with her or not is immaterial. It does not make his infidelity better that he didn’t… if he truly didn’t. But you are right to not angst over a possible physical betrayal. To do so would be a distraction from the real issue – he behaved like a SOB and a mere apology doesn’t cut it. This is why you want us to help you restore your trust after all that’s happened.

I am so sorry that we have tried not to do that, but instead tried to let you see your situation through a different prism. I hope, however, that our efforts will also be of benefit to you.

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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