[Two Pronged] Twice bitten now shy

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: “Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality” and “Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.” 

I was watching some of your videos, so decided to send this to see how you feel about it.

I met a lady back in 2008, spent two weeks with her in Manila, and online, chatted for about two years prior. I applied for her to come to the States, she came, and we married. She had two daughters who remained in Manila with her Mom. Let me explain, I am now 59, she is 37 (22 years age difference). I helped her find a job, and she worked many hours, 6 days a week. To make a long story short, she decided she wanted a child, and I was against, because I felt we did not need the financial burden of raising a child and raising hers also. She decided to have relationship with a guy at her work and got pregnant. We are now divorced, so I have accepted that fact.

BUT, I have since chatted with another lady, who is Filipina, but was working in S. Korea, but has since moved back with her family in Davao. We have chatted now for about 5 months, everyday. She is 30, has a son, and has such a wonderful heart. She does not ask for anything, for she made good money from her job abroad. And her concern is finding a man that will be faithful and will love her and her son, and she wants a simple life.

Of course I have my guard up, but I really feel she is being open and honest. She and I talked for many times before it seem to become serious, and I have seen all her family on cam, and we always chat about her life there and mine here.

I feel I have found such a wonderful woman, and want to take another trip to spend time with her and family, but I want your honest advice. I feel her beliefs and wants are identical to mine, and am not speaking of what I want to hear, but what I hear that comes from her heart. She is a good woman, but do you have any suggestions as to things I need to look into, questions I need to ask, to make sure I am making the right choice? I know there are no guarantees, but I do not want to miss out on someone that will complete my life. We have discussed the age difference, and she is open to it, and as she puts it, she want to have a marriage with true love and respect.

What do you think?

Hank

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Dear Hank:

Thank you very much for your letter and for your trust in us. We hope asking you more questions is ok with you. We feel your answers will help us respond to your letter in greater depth:

1. You come across as accepting, rational, and philosophical about your divorce. Was it a painful long-term process before you got to this point? Were there issues other than having another child that led to the divorce?

2. Could you tell us a little bit about your relationship history before you met your Filipina wife please? Any previous marriages, any children and how old they are right now, etc.

We realize the questions may seem intrusive, but hope you will answer them anyway. We pride our column as one that gives more than advice, providing a clinical perspective grounded in theory and practice, and in addition, a no-nonsense, sometimes brutally honest approach based on experience from a well traveled expatriate. For the avoidance of doubt this is me, Dr Holmes, writing you and not my husband, Mr Baer, who would be mortified to say those things about himself.

Finally, we intend to start adding a note reminding readers that their comments will most probably read by the letter writer so to please be sensitive to that.

Hoping to hear from you soon,

Two Pronged

I am glad to answer any questions you may have. I was married before, to a beautiful lady. She was from the same town as me, and we dated for about 8 months, married. We had a son after two years, and everything seemed fine. But later, she became more irritated with me, because as she put it, I did not make enough money for her to live the way she wanted. After 7 1/2 years of marriage, she filed for a divorce.

I was really hurt, and crushed mentally, but in time, I think it made me stronger. My son was around 5 when we split but my son seemed to be hurt worse, being rebellious, with an “I don’t care” attitude. We tried counseling for him, but he learned to tell them what they wanted to hear, and needless to say, the system was not working.

She had custody, and I had visitation every other weekend. When he was 18, she kicked him out of the house and he came to live with me. With me, he seemed to come in and out of his depression, anxiety, etc, but I knew there were still problems. Needless to say, he got in trouble with the law, for drugs, but nothing ever serious, as far as serving time. When he was 21, he stayed out with his friends all night, and came in early on a Sunday morning. I confronted him, but could tell he was on something, so told him we would talk later. That time did not come, he died in his sleep from an overdose.

My next few years were trying to find answers, repairing myself, and finding purpose in my life. My Asian ex, well, some of my friends told me about Asian women, being they were good women, dedicated, and beautiful. I wanted a good woman, and felt I was ready to try again, so I joined a dating site. After about 4 months, I met Angela. She, like others, was working to support her family. but was strange to me that she worked at another province, paid rent, and really did not have much extra to send home, but I did not consider it, till we became serious. after about 6 months, I recommended she move home with her family, consisting of her mom, two sisters, and Angela’s two daughters.

Approximately 8 months later, I went to Manila to meet her. We spent two weeks, some alone with her, and some with family. At the time everything seemed normal, but when I look back now, there were signals, such as money issues, and maturity. There were issues such as debt, and what she expected – meaning, she could not come until her debts were paid (father’s burial expense, and education for her children. I proceeded when I returned home to send her money for her debt, and for school.

I felt I had freed her of much, but when she got here, she wanted work as quick as possible, to help her family. I thought that was good, so I helped her find work. After about 7 months of work, I was told by one of her co-workers, that she had taken on a lover from work. I also found out she was pregnant with this lover so I filed for divorce, after talking with her. I never really had the chance to find true love with her, for we had no time together. She worked 6 12-hours shifts a week, from 7 in evening till 7AM. Only time I saw her was when she woke, and got ready. I took her to work each evening. Was I hurt when all this happened? I am sorry to say, but more embarrassed than hurt. through it all, I never hated her, but felt I was stupid for investing so much into her and being betrayed. Again, felt more embarrassed!

I am now talking with a wonderful lady, who, does not ask for anything, has a solid family and a son. She was working in S. Korea when I connected with her on dating site I joined. Her contract ended and she is now in Davao. We have been talking now for 5 months, and she is everything I have always wanted, but we have had many questions, before we got to this point. She knows of my past, and I know of hers. Her main point is she does not want a relationship that may fail, and I don’t either. We have no expectations from each other, in terms of money issues, etc.

We have reached the stage that we love each other. What is different from last time? Well, we talk every day on Skype, we understand each other, and what we expect. With my ex, we would use the cam, but not speak to each other, just typed, we talked about two times a week, and most of our conversations dealt with her problems, not goals we wanted, or our wants or needs. I had the physical attraction, but still did not know about the inner feelings needed in a marriage. I took the chance and failed. I have plans to visit my new love in April of this year, and look forward to it. We have an age difference; she is 30 and I am 59. My ex was 37. What do you think?. If you need more info, I will openly answer any questions you have. I really appreciate your reply.

Hank

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Dear Hank:

Thank you so much for answering our questions honestly. We shall answer your letter next week, but am hoping our readers will share their suggestions, advice, opinions, perspectives with you below. All the best

—Two Pronged

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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