[Two Pronged] Giving up on romance

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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[Two Pronged] Giving up on romance
This week, our Two Pronged duo explores the possibility of asexuality
Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: “Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality” and “Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.”
Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr Baer:

I’m a 30-something female government worker, chubby, if somewhat above-average in the looks department. I love my job, but I am writing because I find my personal life somewhat lacking.

Three years ago, I got involved in a new relationship that gave me a lukewarm mindset about love. For a time, it was emotionally demanding and tiring. The recent development in our “relationship” was the almost nonexistent communication in the last six months. I’m not sure where I stand anymore. Some people might think that in this situation, the temptation to turn to other people is great, but somehow I don’t feel like it. I don’t want to get involved with anyone, not even with the one I am currently ‘dating.’

My dreams have me paired up with a string of celebrity crushes, and I still cry over really good romances, but I don’t want any romantic involvement with anyone, on any level. I feel like there’s something wrong with this way of thinking. If that were the case, how do I start dealing with it?

Thank you very much and I hope you think that this letter is worth a reply.  – Anna

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Dear Anna,

Thank you for your letter.

You seem to be somewhat conflicted since on the one hand you say you are happy not to get involved with anyone at present, yet on the other, you are in fact involved with someone. Of course you actually say ‘dating’ and then tell us that there has been almost no communication between the two of you for six months, which leaves us wondering whether you are in fact in a real relationship at all. And then you ask if not wanting any romantic entanglement is wrong.

Modern day life seems to require us all to be emotionally engaged. Movies, TV, magazines, advertising, all trumpet true love and/or plentiful sex as the zenith of self-fulfillment and happiness. Indeed, it sometimes seems that the sole discordant voice comes from some members of religious groups, along with pesky old-fashioned insistence on ‘no sex before marriage’ (just don’t muddy that message by mentioning the numerous examples of priests and bishops who have ‘wives’ and children, much less pedophile clergy – or perhaps their true mantra should be ‘do as I say, not as I do’).

Anyway, the world that seems perfectly willing to acknowledge that our sexual preferences can vary – heterosexual, bisexual, homosexual etc. – is far less inclined to concede that yet another category exists: asexual. While this is probably more because it defies any obvious marketing strategy and asexuals are not a clearcut purchasing group than anything else, it does leave asexuality and asexuals out in the cold with no real mainstream support.

But do not despair. Just because you are not inclined to join the majority does not mean that you are wrong. If you do not want entanglements, that is your right and you should resist outside pressure to the contrary, especially as most of it is driven by agendas that have nothing to do with your own best interests. Best of luck.

– Jeremy

P.S. those interested in this topic might like to check out this website and other similar sites

GIVING UP. What does it take for someone to just give up on love?

Dear Anna,

Thanks with all my heart for sharing your concern in such a nuanced yet succinct manner, so that I feel we have all the necessary data to give you a fairly reasonable response.

I agree with Jeremy 100%. You do not need to be as “romance-starved” or even as “relationship-driven” as anyone else. You do not have to emulate the lives (relationship or otherwise) of people you admire and look up to.

You worry if there’s something wrong with you because you want no romantic involvement with anyone. Jeremy has reassured you that you’re fine as you are, and that what you (and even others) consider a lack might actually be a reality many of us could do with more.

And it’s not even as if you lack passion in your life. You love your job—again, something many of us would give half our salaries for.

Sigmund Freud, the founding father of psychoanalysis, was also the first person to develop a comprehensive theory of personality. When asked what a normal person was, he said it was a person who could “love and work.”

You obviously can work, as not only are you a government employee, you love your job. And while you have no romantic interest at the moment, you probably love at least one sentient being in your life—be it a parent, a best friend, the pet dog who is so happy to see you whenever you come home from work.

One way to prove I am not being facetious when I talk about pets (aside from your knowing, I hope, that I have the utmost respect for our letter writers or we wouldn’t publish their letters) are the gazillions of research anyone can read if they just Google the above subject matter.

I particularly like this article because of its conclusion: “In a 2002 study at State University of New York at Buffalo, researchers found that when conducting a stressful task, people experienced less stress when their pets were with them than when a spouse, family member or close friend was nearby.”

While Jeremy underscores we are not diagnosing you, ipso facto, as asexual, in case you are or you know people who are, this conclusion must be added comfort.

So, that’s it for now, my dear normal person. Please write us again if there’s anything else we can do for you!

All the best,

Margie

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

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