SUMMARY
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Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.
Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,
I just want to ask if fantasizing about sex with another male is considered cheating?
What if the man is a popular porn star in “soft porn” made for women? I discovered my wife belongs to some forum for women, and I read that she wanted to sleep with him. But we have been married for only 5 months. If she is like this now, how will she be in 5 years?
I don’t know what to do actually. My wife, before we got married, we didn’t have any third party issues, but I’m just really bothered every time she says or I read that she wants to have sex or even watch porn movies. It bothers me a lot. Am I being too paranoid? Is it just normal for a woman to be like that? I feel cheated.
Mike
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Dear Mike,
Thank you for your message. Let’s deal with your questions one at a time.
Is fantasizing cheating? Fantasizing can be something that can happen involuntarily, just like anger. A thought after all can simply pop into our minds and in such circumstances it would be grossly unreasonable to characterize it even as wrong, much less cheating.
However, if a person stimulates the fantasy, either by deliberately encouraging such thoughts or for example by visiting a porn site on the internet, then the situation is at least different. Whether it can be called cheating however depends on two things:
1. Your definition of cheating. This seems gender specific in that most men think no cheating is involved as long as nothing physical happens while most women, however, consider it cheating if there are emotions involved, even if intercourse didn’t take place.
2. What happens after. If you define cheating the way most men do, what your wife did is NOT cheating. It seems therefore that your definition of cheating is more stringent or you would not ask the question – unless of course you are applying different standards to men and women.
There are various possible outcomes, such as: the fantasy ends and nothing happens, or the fantasy leads to masturbation, or the fantasy leads to some sexual engagement with another person, spouse or otherwise.
In the first case, since nothing happened, cheating is not an issue. In the second, well, some spouses do consider masturbation to be cheating, some think it is just another acceptable form of sexual expression and some encourage it, particularly where there is a significant imbalance between the couple’s sex drives. Whether it is cheating is therefore a matter of individual opinion.
In the third case, it is a question of the extent to which the fantasy intrudes on the real life of those involved that will determine whether it should be considered cheating. There is a spectrum here: at one end the fantasy just stimulates perfectly ‘normal’ sex between the two people involved while towards the other the fantasy makes demands on the couple e.g. one has to dress up as a firefighter or Batman/Batwoman.
It could arguably be cheating if one of the participants has to imagine he/she is making love to someone other than his/her partner, and with that person all the time.
From the above, it will be hopefully clear that what constitutes cheating varies from individual to individual, that one person’s definition cannot be presumed to be another’s and that when a couple discuss cheating, it is imperative that each understands the other’s definition. I get the distinct impression however that you and your wife have not done this.
As to your second question, I would think it scarcely matters if the fantasy is about a popular porn star rather than an unpopular one or a total unknown, unless of course you yourself have fantasies that your wife sees a resemblance between her fantasy and the reality i.e. you.
Is her behavior normal? Normality is a movable feast, which depends what group you have in mind by comparison. While it is not normal when comparing her say to a devout sect of Trappist nuns, it is probably quite mild when compared to the behavior we have been reading about recently of young girls frequenting bars and ‘paying’ for their drinks by giving total strangers oral sex.
Are you being paranoid? Well, there is nothing healthy to be gained by remaining silent and imagining the worst. It is not a question of paranoia but of communication. You need to discuss all this with your wife so that you fully understand each other’s viewpoints. Only then will you have the necessary information to establish if there is even a problem, much less find a solution.
Best of luck.
Jeremy
Dear Mike,
As Jeremy suggested, it is best you have some heart to heart talks with your wife. NB: I said talks, plural, because this will not end with just conversation. At least, I sure hope not.
The “shock of your discovery,” sense of betrayal and any possible anger, regret or feelings of abandonment your wife’s behavior may have ignited need more than the acknowledgment (I ‘feel your pain”) or apology.
Let’s not forget your wife’s own feelings of anger, betrayal, terror. Ostensibly, this might be because of your “snooping” and/or not trusting her enough. In reality, it is usually for things that resonate more deeply than that.
There is a term in psychology called: flight to healing and it is traditionally defined as per Biology Online: the early but often only temporary disappearance of symptoms that ostensibly brought the patient into therapy: A defense against the anxiety engendered by the prospect of further psychoanalytic exploration of the patient’s conflict.
[Should you be interested in exploring this concept further, here are good links to start with: here and here.]
As with therapy, so with heart to heart talks with one’s beloved, when dealing with possible deal breakers like feelings of betrayal and fears for the future, the very issues you have brought up. And it makes sense, doesn’t it? If therapy is to be productive, some unresolved issues will invariably come up and have to be dealt with.
This can be very painful and yes, even terrifying. This is so especially if the client has convinced himself that these issues were over and done with, only to realize that there is more work that needs to be done to fully resolve them. Sometimes, clients prefer to avoid the pain necessary for growth and one way to do it is to tell the therapist that “I’m ok now.”
Thanks ever so much for bringing up the things I’d convinced myself were done and dusted. Thanks to you, I now have the necessary resources to deal with them effectively, and don’t need any more therapy.”
The above is an example of flight into health. Couples can also do this to each other, with each being willing therapist to each other’s willing client. They do this for the same reason: to avoid going into the real reasons for their feelings (of betrayal, abandonment, terror of a life long commitment, etc.).
For example, your wife might immediately apologize the minute you bring up the matter. She readily admits her “guilt” and promises never to watch porn again or to join similar forums, just so that the conversation can move on to safer ground.
You might do something similar: quickly accepting her apology, reassuring her that it’s ok, and agreeing with her to draw a line under this discussion so that you can both move on.
However, the things that you are concerned about are too important to move on from with a hasty apology and quick forgiveness.
“I’m just really bothered every time she says or I read that she wants to have sex or even watch porn movies. It bothers me a lot. Am I being too paranoid?”
This is a normal fear, and because it is a deep fear, you need to explore its nuances with your wife. That usually takes some time.
Is it just normal for a woman to be like that? I feel cheated.
Mike, I am so happy you asked the above, I feel like kissing your toes! It is so unlike men who seem to still live in the Stone Age and would pronounce their wives abnormal, rather than sharing their concerns the way you did. Again, this needs exploring because only your wife can share what participating in the forum meant to her and thus further clarify for you if your feeling cheated has any basis.
If she is like this now, how will she be in 5 years?
Again, this is an extremely valid and understandable fear. Don’t just sweep it under the carpet.
While scary—even terrifying—to open up to each other so early in your marriage, it is not only worth it, but it is absolutely vital. It might, in fact, be the first watershed that will determine the tenor of your relationship for years to come. Good luck, Mike. If you can express yourself as well with her as you have in your letter, if you can ask, instead of presume, and listen instead of only pronouncing, and even calling for time out when things get too rough, then you are definitely on the right track.
All the best,
Margie
– Rappler.com
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