[Two Pronged] Dated for just 3 weeks, and it’s love?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I had a boyfriend for 3 weeks ONLY and unfortunately, he broke up with me saying that he still loves his ex. We had a very short courtship, I must say.

I told him, kung hindi siya nakipaghiwalay, and sinabi niya sa akin (if he hadn’t left me and just told me his problems) I could have helped him. Am I right? Nababago ba ng tao ang feelings? (Can people’s feelings really change?) Can people really change how they feel?

I love him and actually, I want him back. Nabitin ako sa relationship namin (I feel our relationship has not run its full course), but I’m not certain if we really should get back together. 

Please keep my identity anonymous. Thank you!

Roni

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Dear Roni,

Thank you for your letter.

It seems that you have a rather tenuous grip on reality. After the shortest of relationships, your now ex-boyfriend dumped you, justifying this by declaring his love for someone else. Whether he was telling the truth or not, you must admit that he has not exactly left the door open to a Hollywood-style reconciliation. 

Meanwhile, you have decided, based on a 21-day experience, that he is the man you love (not ‘might grow to love with time’ but actually ‘love’) and are considering getting back together with him. This however seems totally independent of the reality, which is that he just dumped you.

You ask if this is a good idea, to which I have to reply that it is one of the worst I have heard recently. What part of “he just broke up with me” have you failed to understand? 

It is time to get a grip on what is real. There is no point creating an elaborate fantasy of reconciliation and living happily ever after if he does not share your vision.

You cannot make him love you but you do have the power to change yourself and move on, so do so. Who knows? In another 3 weeks, you may be in love again.

Best of luck,

Jeremy

Dear Roni:

Thank you very much for your letter.

I am so sorry that your boyfriend broke up with you, but I see your ability to say this straight, without any sugarcoating, as a great personality plus.  

Perhaps it would be good to remember that the level of commitment in any relationship goes only as deeply as the level of the one who wants less of it. If you both feel the same and want to commit to each other as much, then terrific, you both get what you want. 

However, if one wants more – for example you, and you admit you want him back –he/she is bound for a disappointment because the one who wants less – for example, your boyfriend who broke up with you – is the one who calls the shots. 

These are some of the sayangs (if only’s) you feel in the relationship: if only he hadn’t broken up with you, if only he told me how he felt about his ex girlfriend, if only he gave me a chance to help him with his problems, etc.

Please take note that they all have to do with what he could have done, and not with anything you could’ve done or not done. It seems as if you have put the blame all on him. 

Admittedly, I do not know your ex at all, but it’s a safe bet that he did some things as he should have.  For example, breaking up with you right away instead of stringing you along.

One of my favorite expressions is “shoulda coulda woulda,”meaning that it is of no use to dwell on what should have (shoulda), could have (coulda) or would have (woulda) happened/been done.  Said as an attempt to shorten a discussion that focuses on the past, thus providing no solution to an actual problem. 

I got the above definition from Urban Dictionary and so wish I could include the funny, whimsical examples it shared, but alas, these don’t tie in with this particular situation. 

In other words, while regret may have its uses (for example, discouraging you from making the same mistakes in similar situations), it is best to focus on what went wrong in this relationship so you can avoid doing the same thing in your next one. 

When it comes to looking back at what went wrong, it would also be a good idea to focus on the error of your ways, and not only his. For one thing, these are the only ones you can change.  

Another reason is that, even if the failings overwhelmingly seem to be his fault, perhaps it would be a good idea to ask yourself why you chose him – including exploring the possibility of fine-tuning your definition of a good boyfriend, figuring out what among his feelings might change in less than a month, which extending the time to get to know him would help you gauge.

Please do not think I am encouraging you to live a life of regret, just to realize that, as poet-philosopher George Santayana says “those who cannot remember the past, are doomed to repeat it.”

Recognizing a regret or two for what it is can be good thing, especially if it helps you become optimistic that one of the best things about looking back is realizing that life is made to be lived, forward.  

All the best,

Margie

– Rappler.com

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