[Two Pronged] Turned on by guy-on-guy fiction, ‘yaoi’

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I need your help understanding the situation I am in. I am a 40-year old woman, separated, with two young daughters (15 and 6 years old). 

I have always thought of myself as liberal and open-minded. I am equally attracted to men and women (I don’t do labels like lesbian, gay, bi) and in fact my first relationships back in high school were with girls (who were, for the lack of a better term, butch).

Anyway, I have been separated for about 7 years now. Last year, I got introduced to “boys’ love – BL” or “yaoi” as it’s called and reading yaoi manga has become some sort of an addiction in the sense that over the past six months, not a day passes by without me spending hours reading BL manga.

Then I found the US TV series Queer as Folk and that has got me immersed even more. About 10 years ago, I had the same sort of obsessive kick for girl-on-girl action thru the L-Word, another US TV series (not sure if you’ve heard of both shows).

This, in a way, has turned me off heterosexual sex and contributed to the deterioration of my marriage. Now, the predicament I am in is that I find BL/yaoi so much more fascinating and I find that I shy away from sex between men x women and women x women. 

I get turned on more about men x men. I know there is something wrong here but I don’t really have anybody whom I can talk to to sort this out. Please, please help me. Thanks in advance, and best regards,

Pat

————

Dear Pat, 

Thank you for your letter.

I have to admit that until your letter I had never even heard of BL or yaoi. I have since filled that particular lacuna but must confess that my knowledge of the subject remains extremely limited.

That disclaimer now registered, my understanding is that yaoi is targeted towards women and mainly, though not exclusively, authored by women. Your interest in a subject specifically aimed at you is therefore perfectly reasonable. 

In your letter you say that you were bisexual but that you are no longer interested in heterosexual sex. You then say that you shy away from sex between men x women and women x women, which presumably we should interpret as what you like to read and watch, rather than what you actually like to do.

But for whatever reason you do not tell us what sort of real life sex turns you on (unless, of course, there is nothing that turns you on at the moment, in terms of what you want to do in real life). 

Leaving this aside, you ask for help but I am having a problem understanding what you think your problem really is. Is it addiction? Yaoi manga is a perfectly satisfactory hobby but perhaps you feel you are too obsessed by it.

Freud famously said that if one can love and work one is normal. You do not mention work at all but you do say that your yaoi habit contributed to the demise of your marriage so possibly that is where your problem lies.

I will have to leave it to Dr Holmes to comment further on this. All the best,

Jeremy

Dear Pat:

Thank you very much for your letter.  Please feel free to email us if my answer doesn’t resonate with you at all, ok? The reason I feel that is possible (yet in typically optimistic fashion, also feel unlikely/improbable) is because I am going to take a leap here and hypothesize about the reasons you may enjoy yaoi as much as you do. 

I have a confession to make.  This confession is more to our readers than to you, Pat. I just want our readers to know that we have corresponded a few times since your first letter above. 

While I had a suspicion you were worried not about your yaoi watching being an addiction nor your current and actual sex life, I felt our further correspondence confirmed these suspicions.  

In addition, while yaoi watching may have contributed to the deterioration of your marriage, I am 100% certain this was not the only reason for its ending. 

Hence, my focusing simply on the possible meaning/s behind your being turned on by yaoi.

I hope my answer will reassure you that your getting turned on more by men x men rather than women x men or by women x women is not wrong.  In fact, not only is it not wrong, it is wholeheartedly accepted and practically presumed by many who know about women turned on by other women. Yes, I know it sounds counterintuitive, but this is so common that it’s no longer limited to some weird or totally out there subculture. 

In the 2010 American comedy-drama film The Kids Are All Right, a lesbian couple sits down and watches gay male porn. I mean, what could be more mainstream than a film starring Julianne Moore and Annette Bening?

There are many reasons given for women being turned on by male gay porn.

Please read the following links: this one from Bust and this one from Outfront Online for starters, and then maybe you can decide what reasons resonate best with you.

In fact, there are even links that explain why YAOI is popular with women, like this one. 

My favorite reason, however, is the one supplied by the Village Voice, where, to the comment “”Do you like ‘fag’ porn? All my queer female friends do” the author answers:

“Hers wasn’t a surprising question. I know lesbians who dig it more than any other kind of hardcore fare. I briefly dated a genderqueer dyke who just loved gay male porn. She ran out and got the newest title from her favorite company the day it came out. In this case, she adored movies from Bel Ami, which feature young, hairless European lads (think the boy-on-boy version of the straight barely-legal genre). The boys are very pretty and androgynous, and some of them could definitely be mistaken for dykes with their clothes on.” 

Another reason you may enjoy yaoi so much is that in men x men, you don’t have to experience women being objectified the way so many are in straight or even “lesbian” porn (which, let’s admit it, is usually made by men for men).

A woman like yourself, who likes to think of herself as “liberal and open-minded” and doesn’t “do labels like lesbian, gay, bi” would be the kind of person who responds to primarily to sexual interactions between people and not merely to the bodies of the participants involved.  A woman like yourself would be honest enough to admit to something even if she considers it a fault and also courageous enough to try and get to the whys and wherefores – both of which you did in your letter above.

So please continue to enjoy yaoi.  And if you notice that what turns you on has moved into girl love or shoujo, shonen, yuri, bayanihan or what have you, no worries.  

Fantasies are to be relished and enjoyed, and mean nothing when it comes to what you plan to do in real (rather than virtual) life.  And, should the time come that you decide you want to try non-virtual love and lust, please free to write us again as we would love to hear from you! 

All the best,

Margie

– Rappler.com

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