[Two Pronged] Housewife feels depressed, lonely, empty

 Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

We are an overseas family (husband, me and our 4-year-old child). I am 32 years old, finished Accounting and had a good career back in the Phil. But here abroad, I am a stay-at-home wife and parent for almost 5 years (since I got pregnant). 

I can say that we are very blessed to have a decent life here. I would always want to believe I have nothing to complain about my/our life. 

But for 3 years, the feeling of being alone/lonely/worthless/aimless about what’s going on in my life is a constant battle. I don’t know where it is coming from. I feel empty about my life.

I feel disconnected with my husband. I have poor emotional (which affects our sexual) relationship with him. I feel abandoned by the world. What gives me sense of direction is our child. She is the center of me.

I am sorry, Doc and Mr Baer, I really don’t know how to put into words all I feel and think. I am really not into talking also about the struggles I am having, but for the longest time, I just want let all these out… to someone though I do not know personally, but who can probably understand what I’ve been going through. 

Thank you for taking time reading my long message. Hoping to hear any words from you Doc.

Mizpah 

——————–

Dear Mizpah, 

Thank you for your letter which I am sure resonates with many other housewives, and househusbands, in a similar situation.

While the sacrifices and problems of OFWs have been graphically documented on numerous occasions, the travails of their spouses and other family members have not received the same attention. It is all too easy for others to view the lives of people like yourself, Mizpah, as a bed of roses. After all, your husband is earning good money, you do not have to work and that, by some people’s definition, is easy street personified. 

However, as you so poignantly state, it can be a life without purpose – you are in the prime of life, with an education and qualification, but without a career, bereft of mental stimulation, without the support of family and barkada (group of friends), increasingly alienated from your husband and with only a 4-year-old to fill your days with meaning. 

At times like these, it is inevitable that you question the very meaning of your existence. After all, you worked hard to become an accountant and to what end? To add up the grocery bills and balance the household monthly budget?

Now is the moment when your husband is supposed to step up and provide you with support. However, it seems that this is not what is happening, though whether that is because he has tried and failed, or not tried at all, we do not know. 

So what are your alternatives?

I think they depend on the present state of your marriage and how you view its future.

If you think there is hope: 

1. You can stay where you are and fill your days with something that has meaning for you e.g. develop a hobby, start a small business, continue your education with online courses, immerse yourself in charitable and/or religious activities
2. Move with your family to a country where you can work
3. Return with your family to the Philippines and get a job here

If you do not think there is hope:

Return to the Philippines with your daughter (but without your husband), where you probably enjoy support from family and friends, and get a job here.

Best of luck,

Jeremy 

Dear Dr Holmes and Sir Jeremy : 

Salamat po. (Thank you so much.) I am so happy some one finally understands what I feel.  When you wrote, Jeremy, about my life “by some people’s definition, is easy street personified,”and that I worked hard to become an accountant and in the end, I am doing nothing but grocery bills and balancing out monthly budget I felt you got into my soul and saw exactly how I feel.

This is the main reason Doc and Mr. Jeremy,  why I keep everything to myself. People around think I have nothing to complain about. But the worst thing is that I feel I am less a person because I am JUST a housewife. 

My thoughts, feelings, opinions do not matter because I am JUST a housewife…I do not have the right to decide over things because I am JUST a housewife. My housewife life is more of what I SHOULD do at home and for my family. Sadly, most of the time I feel this too about my very own husband. 

However, as you so poignantly state, it can be a life without purpose.

I can definitely say, my husband is very hardworking and an excellent provider. He doesn’t have “bisyo” (vices) AT ALL. His life is all about work, us and our families back home.

This is the main reason also why I am ashamed to desire things beyond what I have now just for my self-satisfaction. I feel like “makasarili ako” (so self centered). My husband preferred this setup (him working and me at home) dahil balance raw ang family life namin… (our family life is balanced) which I know is a valid reason.

The only complaint I have for my husband is that he rarely talks about himself, what he thinks, feels, observe, etc.. Though we’ve known each other since we were 13 years old, he’s like a stranger to me now.

He was a person full of life during our friendship years. But when we started our relationship and eventually got married, he has been so tough and tight about himself. 

Masyado syang seryoso sa buhay. (He’s so serious about life.) It’s one reason that gets me thinking of our situation. But people (families, friends, all who knew us) believe we are a couple matched in heaven… we both came from a very poor families and in GOD’s grace, we’ve come a long way in terms of the financial/material. I really don’t know Doc! My mind says ‘I am okay,’ but my heart is saying ‘there’s something wrongs.’

Am I sounding like I’m mentally ill? I don’t know if there’s really an actual problem here or it’s all in my head.  

Thanks for these options Doc and Mr. Jeremy! Husband is definite that he will never go back to the Philippines, at least that’s his stand for now. He told me we (me and our child) can go back to the Phil if that’s what will make ME happy. In your opinion Doc and Sir, is it wrong if I will decide to do that? 

Given that we are family (we should stick together as much as possible right?) and our child loves her Papa so much (a heartbreaking thought to separate her from her dad).

——————–

Dear Mizpah:

Thank you very much for your answer to Jeremy’s letter. Jeremy and I are very happy to know that his answer resonates very strongly with what you’re feeling right now. 

We did something with you which we hardly ever do: share Jeremy’s answer ahead of time because, trying our best to answer on a “first come, first serve basis,” we knew it would take a while for your letter to see print.  Our hearts went out to you so much and we felt we needed to respond to you asap.  

If we didn’t we worried it would only make you feel even more like a “stranger in a  strange land” (with apologies to Robert Heinlein for ripping off the title of his 1961 science fiction novel), thus adding to your depression. 

Yes, I feel you are clinically depressed but the “good news” is, it seems a mild depression because you are fighting back. You have not only written us (as many people have done) but you have come back and first, thanked us for having responded to you (something severely depressed people would find difficult, if not impossible, to do), shared your feelings even more (which we are grateful for) and thus provided even more grist for the therapeutic mill.  

There is nothing wrong with you, Mizpah.  In fact, there is something very right. 

Many people would be happy enough that their needs – enough income to pay for your daily needs, a feeling of accomplishment, social recognition—have been met, especially given how both your husband and you started out.   Others would choose to do as Henry David Thoreau described “lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.”

But not you, Mizpah. You looked at yourself square in the mirror, reached out to two people you hoped would understand, and made a decision,  faced your fears, tried to find a name for it and, when Jeremy responded, you responded right back telling us more important things about yourself.  Again, this is not what a severely depressed person would be able to do.  

You have also made a decision about what to do—go back to the Philippines.   At least, you have made an intellectual decision to do so.  But, as I’m pretty sure you know, the intellectual part is the easiest of all, especially since you can go back and forth deciding one thing today, the opposite the next, without any irreversibly expensive (financially or emotionally) repercussions.

Please write us again if you feel you want to explore your options more closely, need support to follow through, are feeling lonely, just want to make chika, etc. We may not be able to respond as quickly or as fully as we have this time, but I am confident you will know what our hearts are telling you even if it is in telegraphese.  

All the best,

Margie

——————– 

Dear Mizpah,

You raise the issue of dividing the family if you return to the Philippines. Clearly there is no easy solution to your problem or you would have found it already. However, just on the basis that it is generally the mother that has the greater influence on the child, I would suggest that safeguarding your mental health is the best thing that you can do for your daughter.

All the best,

Jeremy

– Rappler.com

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.