[Two Pronged] Judgy gyne

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

I am 22 years old, independent and working. I was raised in a conservative family who taught me to live by standards of traditional beliefs and customs, but I received my higher education in the city, which taught me to become more open-minded and liberal, which I feel like my parents disagree with. I live according to my own pace and decisions.

Then, I had this problem in menstruation and so I sought the help of a doctor, but instead of just giving me advice about the matter, she also gave me unsolicited counseling that made me really upset. 

She asked me why I engaged in sexual practices with my boyfriend and when she heard my answer, totally disapproved of love and insisted that it was lust, that many women nowadays are smart-dumb (which I think includes me based on her point), that the number of virgins in America is rising. She even advised me to tell my parents about me being not a virgin anymore and visit a chastity website authored by an American preacher.

I was really upset with that gynecologist but I remember the point that was true in what she said: that I will feel afraid if I find out that I might be pregnant.

Is it right to believe that an activity is not wrong as long as you do not harm other people or burden your family with it? I believe that sex is not wrong; it is an expression of love and that you may do it responsibly with the person you love and who is also ready to take responsible right with you. 

However, I still feel guilty whenever I deny my engagement in this activity when asked by the family and with the thought that my parents hope that I do not engage in it. 

Should I abstain from it to stop this worry? I know my family would really feel mad if they find it out. 

Clara

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Dear Clara, 

Thank you for your letter.

Your thumbnail sketch of yourself is the child of a conservative family of traditional beliefs and customs, who has become more open-minded and liberal following a city-based college education. 

You have been unlucky and stumbled upon a proselytizing zealot masquerading as a caring gynecological professional and heedless of the Hippocratic injunction “primum non nocere” or “first do no harm” (I am no expert on medical ethics but I think that in some countries, perhaps here too, this doctor would find herself up in front of a tribunal for unethical behavior based on your account).

However unethical she may or may not have been, she has nevertheless inadvertently done us a service by highlighting the difference between counseling based on science and so-called “counseling” based simply on personal opinion. 

The solution to your immediate problem is simply to change doctors and find someone who is willing to be ‘just’ your gynecologist and not also insist on being your therapist.

The conversation with your gynecologist has raised doubts in your own mind about the wide gulf between who you are and how your family sees you. 

To your credit, you have not been swayed by her wild, and quite unfounded, accusations of being smart-dumb and motivated by lust but you have been struck by her comment about getting pregnant. However, if you reflect carefully, I am sure that you will realize that this was a risk that you were already well aware of and dealing with. 

Part of growing up and becoming an adult is the recognition of the clear delineation between who you are and who others (family, friends etc.) want you to be. Your best chance of a happy and fulfilling future is if you ensure as far as possible that your belief system and your lifestyle are in sync. 

I would therefore suggest that under no circumstances should you allow yourself to be subjected to a morality in which you do not believe, just because that may be the desire of a gynecologist who scarcely knows you. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Clara:

Thank you very much for your letter. I must admit this is one of the most difficult letters I have had to answer in ages. The major reason is my difficulty in focusing merely on the (psychologically) clinical aspects of the letter in as far as they concern you – specifically, the effect of your childhood on current decisions and your attempts to straddle your love for your parents on the one hand and your being your own person on the other – without mentioning your gynecologist’s (let’s call her Salome) behavior. 

I hope it’s ok that I took Oscar Wilde’s advice that “The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it” and explain why Salome’s behavior was reprehensible: she abused her position of power. She became a “thought” harasser, doing all she could so you would bend to her will, including insulting you by implying you were dumb smart and unable to tell the difference between love and lust.

What she should have done was to listen to your medical concerns, provide you with evidence-based medical advice, treat you competently, and suggest ways you could continue to take care of yourself; for example, equipping yourself with information, including the description, benefits and side effects (if any) of birth control methods. There are good reliable sites online.

If and only if you’d asked for Salome’s advice/ opinion, should she have shared it. Unsolicited advice is even more grating when coming from someone who has no clue about you yet knows you have no choice but to listen because she has something you want.

Ironically, Salome herself was “dumb smart” insisting you would “feel afraid if (you) found out that (you) might be pregnant.” Of course you would feel afraid, as would any woman (including a married woman who made love only with her husband) who found out she was pregnant or feared she could be. This threat is meaningless.

But enough about Salome, and on to you. 

Using only your letter as basis, it sounds like your parents raised you with a lot of love but also with the belief that they know best what is good for you. This may have been true when you were two, seven, 12 years old but you are now 22, independent and working. 

You too may not know what’s best for yourself all the time, but you know about yourself most.  Sometimes you will make mistakes, as all of us do. And I hope that when this happens, you can pick yourself up, value any lessons you might have learned, and move on.

It is possible, even if not probable, that the man you love, feel loved by and thus had sex with, may not turn out to be the man you thought he was. Or he was, but the love you thought would last forever does not. Should either (or both) be so, then welcome to the club. That does not necessarily mean that your having had sex with him was the wrong choice. And it certainly doesn’t mean that it is a choice with irreversibly horrible consequences. 

You have chosen not to tell your family about the extent of your relationship because you know they cannot accept it. Perhaps they will behave in the same ridiculous way your (hopefully ex) gynecologist did. Not telling them may be one of the better choices you’ve made. This does not mean you love them less. What it usually means is that you realize your parents still see you as a 6-year old, incapable of making intelligent decisions. If this, indeed is the situation, trying to convince them that you know best is a zero sum game. 

I am not sure if this resonates with you, Clara. Should our response not have helped in the way you’d hoped, do you think writing us again would be a good idea? if you do, then by all means, please do so.

All the very best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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