[Two Pronged] Should I settle for him?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

I have been dating a guy for almost 5 years. I am confused if I should pursue the relationship with him.  We have differences:  decision-making, and “making diskarte” (going about) about life.

I am usually the more aggressive and passionate about what I want, making sure I achieve what I aim for; he is more relaxed, slow in processing things and taking steps. 

I am independent; he needs support from others  (e.g. getting a job). He also admitted that he has insecurities in life, and this has challenged us a lot. 

I have my flaws: very critical with small tolerance for mistakes. I can be a total b*tch when angry and can say the most hurtful things when pissed off. 

The insecure him and “Incredible-Hulk-when-angry me – not a good love story. 

After 5 years, we have improved. We managed to get this far, talking about our problems and finding ways to improve ourselves. This is a slow, painstaking process, but we’re far better than we were years ago. I toned down my hurtful words and he’s somehow tamed his insecurity. 

We sometimes relapse.He slips and pisses me off; I lash out (although to a milder extent). Despite that, we have a better relationship (fewer fights, more understanding). But I have lost respect for him on how he manages his life (with his continuing relapses). 

And because of my critical nature, and him being the passive type, I put him down, instead of being the sunshine in his life.

My take on this: In terms of life skills, he does not pass my standards. I fear that if we get married, I will be the leader. I want to be with a partner in life – someone I can rely on if I am confused, and who will make me feel everything is ok. 

Yet, there are so many lovable things about him – the most caring, “maalaga,” (caring) sweetest boyfriend I ever had.  He respects my family, is cool with my friends. We have deep conversations. Our senses of humor jive, we communicate heart to heart if we have serious problems. I appreciate his effort to fight his demons, just to be better, to avoid fights.

I am still happy being with him. We still share values like having a family, rearing children, being a couple et cetera. I love him. 

I just hope he would have the balls to stand up against my bitchy character, be more driven, be more pushy, be smarter.  Are my reasons valid enough to fear a life with him? (We are considering marriage come 2016). Am I really settling for less? Or am I just being high maintenance? Am I the real villain here (I am thinking “sinisira ko diskarte niya” or I’m ruining his way of doing things) because of my strong personality)?

Is it just that I should accept his flaws even if these flaws are my deal breakers? How far should one go in accepting a partner’s flaws?  Will marrying a man, who has not passed some of your life standards, end up in a miserable marriage? 

Dilemma

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Dear Dilemma, 

Thank you for your letter.

The contradictions in your account of your relationship are startling but scarcely surprising, since if all were clarity you would in all probability never have written to us. Nevertheless you are manifestly and massively conflicted because of the stark differences between your actual boyfriend (let’s call him Marco) and your ideal of a boyfriend.

Therapists constantly harp, with good reason, on the fact that the only people we can change are ourselves – though of course by doing so we also give others the chance to change as well. On the other hand, as Einstein is reputed to have said, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

Applying these to your particular circumstances, you might well take time to analyze both whether the characteristics of your ideal boyfriend truly reflect your preferences and also the pros and cons of your current relationship.

Five years ago, when you started going out with Marco, he was what effectively constitutes your definition of a low achiever. There is no real indication that this has changed and yet you are still with him. Why? Is it because he has made some progress towards becoming the man you want him to be? Or is it because he is a genuinely nice guy? Or have you just become comfortable in the relationship?

You say that his flaws are your deal breakers. As you are still together and even considering getting married next year, then they are clearly not deal breakers. Perhaps they are just meant to be dramatic statements intended to jolt him into self-improvement, in which case by your own account that strategy has not worked either. 

At the end of the day, whether marriage to Marco works out will depend not only on how he behaves, but on your expectations. You have to want to marry the man he actually is, not some fantasy that Marco will somehow morph into Bill Gates yet remain the sweet guy you already know him to be. 

If you cannot do that, then call it a day and find yourself a new boyfriend who is more like the ideal you have described.

All the best,

JAFBaer 

Dear Dilemma:

Thank you very much for your letter, which so accurately mirrors what many women write to us about when their partners seem so much less wealthy and/or less educated and/or less successful, and/or less “driven.”  Their questions mirror what you have asked: Should I get married or am I merely settling for second best?

My unequivocal answers are: 

• No, you should not get married, and
• Yes, you are settling for second best.

But these answers have far less to do with Marco than they have with you.

I have no doubt that your description of your relationship is accurate. Neither do I doubt that you are the “more aggressive and passionate: “making sure I achieve what I aim for …independent”;  whereas “he is more relaxed, slow in processing things and taking steps…he needs support from others (and) admitted that he has insecurities in life.” 

But you see, Dilemma, many people would find nothing wrong in having him as a husband the way he is, and they would not consider it settling for second best to marry someone like him.

True, you also have a more positive description of him as “the most caring, ‘maalaga,’ sweetest boyfriend I ever had.  He respects my family, is cool with my friends, (into) deep conversations” etc.  

And while that is all very well, people truly in love would not need your description as pampalubag loob (consolation), an “on-the-other hand” argument.

I know that you know, dearest Dilemma, that: 

• There is nothing wrong with Marco being the sort of person he is;
• There is nothing wrong with you being the sort of person you are;
• The problem is in the fit.

Since many couples with even more glaring differences between them not only merely survive, but actually thrive, it is quite obvious that what we are discussing is not the objective “fit”, but the subjective one. 

It is your worrying that his being the way he is will only drag you down and make you bitchy.  It is your hoping he can still change, as proven by your needing to hold your temper when he “relapses.”

Marriage is damn difficult, Dilemma, even under the best of circumstances. That is why feeling as you do – one foot in, one foot out – is not a good way to begin it. You are rational, weighing the pros and cons of commitment. This is very good, even essential,  when committing yourself to a car because when things are not as wonderful as they originally seem.

As they inevitably do with cars as well as with marriages, one can weigh the pros and cons of cutting one’s losses, trading it in, or sticking it out until a better one comes along.  There are no repercussions when it comes to cars; cars don’t notice when you start having second thoughts about them; cars don’t become insecure and make tampo, tanim or ganti (be hurt, angered or retaliate). Marco might. And if he had any sense of pride, he would.

That is the reason some psychologists – myself included – strongly believe that not only is love sometimes blind, but it needs to be blind in the beginning if only to survive the inevitable hurt and pain that come with marriage, no matter how long you’ve known each other or lived together.

Ellen Berscheid, a leading researcher on the psychology of love, goes so far as to suggest that smitten spouses often idealize their partner, magnifying their virtues and explaining away their flaws. She adds, “It’s very common to think they have a relationship that’s closer and more special than anyone else’s.” Psychologists think we need this rose-tinted view. It makes us want to stay together to enter the next stage of love – attachment. 

I still don’t feel that in you, Dilemma. You are not certain that, come hell or high water, your love is strong enough to survive, despite your differences. To double your chances of success, you should believe your marriage will thrive not “despite” but precisely “because of” your differences.  

Instead, you want him to have “more balls, more drive, (and) be more pushy, be smarter.

Are your reasons valid enough to fear a life with him? Absolutely.

Again, not because objectively he needs to be more ballsy, but because you think heneeds to be.  And if you are not 100% – or, ok, ok – 98% happy with the way he is before you marry him, believe me, you will become less and less so once you do marry.

Practical suggestion:  break up and see if you then consider him enough of an “asset” that he is worthy of committing yourself to him as he is. Do not merely ask time to think things out, set him free or you will not lay yourself on the line. This is what you need to do before you say I do.

The mere fact that you are worried that you might be settling for second best is the deal breaker. But until you realize he isn’t second best and then commit 100% (or realize he is and thus break up with him permanently), Marco is the only one who is settling.  

All the best,

MG Holmes

Postscript: If it is true that we see our future spouses through rose-tinted glasses and you see Marco as second best now, just imagine how you will see him in the cold light of marriage. – JAFBaer 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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