[Two Pronged] Disappearing boyfriend

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

Please let me tell you my story. I’m 59, have been widowed for 5 years, continuously working since I was 18, and very much a sporty type, esp. aerobics, Taebo, and Zumba, and at times weight lifting, to maintain my physique, and also to maintain my normal sugar level.

I met this man, aged 51, who was once a pastor, but due to his wife’s illicit affairs, discontinued his noble service, he was so devastated and his name was even marred, and almost lost his other job opportunities. I gave him hope and helped him lift up himself and his spirit. We got into a relationship last October. Plans crop up, marriage, that he will file an annulment asap, upon the availability of his funds. 

We’ve been living together since December, at my age, modesty aside, I’m still very much active, much more than him, he said, he really wonders why after his separation from his wife 4 years ago, his sexual urges waned, and I should initiate such stimulation. 

Sometimes, I really wonder if that’s true, or perhaps I don’t have enough sex appeal for him, I’m as if insecure on these matters. I still looked good enough and have flawless skin.

Nahiya naman ako magsabi sa kanya na disappointed ako, nagtampo ako sa kanya, pero tahimik lang ako. (I was embarrassed to tell him that I was disappointed in his lack of sexual ardor so I said nothing and just sulked instead).  

Because of my silence, umuwi na siya sa hometown nila sa north, (he left and went up north, back to where he lives), I have called and texted him, but no reply.

Thank you for your time, and looking forward to your advice, marami pong salamat. 

God bless you and your family. 

Maria

—————- 

Dear Maria,

Thank you for your email.

 Your account of your relationship is brief but it is also quite revealing. On the one hand, there is this former pastor (let’s call him Paulo) whose wife cheated on him, who lost his faith and his job, and whose interest in sex waned. On the other there is this hardworking widow, athletic, full of sexual energy, who inspired him to regain hope, to work and to have a new relationship. In other words, you have told us almost nothing about either Paulo’s good qualities or your bad qualities. 

True, you have suggested that Paulo may have fled north because he was unable to match your sexual appetite but the elephant in the room is why his first marriage failed and a legitimate question mark at least hangs over whether your story is just history repeating itself. Infidelity may not be justified by sexual dissatisfaction but it can certainly be explained by it.

As for your chosen method of protest – the traditional tampo – this can be a double or quits approach to problem-solving. In your case Paulo chose quits and just left. This is perhaps not so surprising given male sensitivity to the issue of waning sexual desire. It is not exactly a secret after all that men generally respond very poorly to emotional and physical pressure where sexual performance is concerned since it generally exacerbates an already difficult situation. 

So you are now at the crossroads. Your options include forgetting about him and moving on, waiting for him to make the next move (if there is to be one) or seeking him out and discovering whether the dying embers of your relationship can be fanned back to life. 

What you choose to do depends on whether you truly value the relationship or prefer your own narrative as the flawless savior of fallen pastors.

All the best,

JAF Baer 

 

Dear Maria: 

Thank you very much for your letter. I would like to focus on a statement Mr Baer made and use it as a springboard for discussion: “Infidelity may not be justified by sexual dissatisfaction but it can certainly be explained by it.”   

Mr Baer, in his usual eloquently succinct manner hit the nail on the head: Sexual dissatisfaction cannot be used as justification for anything, but then again, neither can the hurt and devastation that it causes. But this is what Paulo tries/tried to do, Maria, and in your case, it worked.

I am not saying that Paulo should have danced a jig of joy a la “Ding Dong! The Witch is Dead” like the munchkins in Wizard of Oz did.  

But 4 years is a hell of a long time to recover from infidelity, especially if the “wronged spouse” is/was a pastor. One of the most important assets of any leader is to lead by example. First Timothy 4:16 instructs a church leader to “Pay close attention to yourself and to your teaching; persevere in these things, for as you do this you will ensure salvation both for yourself and for those who hear you.” 

Second Corinthians 4:8-9 says: “We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed.”

Your pastor was crushed, driven to despair, struck down and destroyed.  This is an understandable reaction in anyone, especially within days – even months – of learning about his spouse’s infidelity. But life is full of bitter disappointment and people learn to get over things, especially if other experiences, like moving in with a beautiful, healthy, active woman ­– have happened since then.

I realize I am asking you to look at your former partner’s behavior through a prism other than what you both agreed on. Your interpretation seemed to be:  “Look at this wonderful man who, were it not for his wicked wife and her illicit affair, would have continued his noble service of shepherding his flock.”

My prism suggests: “Never mind what he’s told you about his past, which may or may not be accurate. What about now? Does Paulo’s having been a pastor make him more kawawa (more sympathetic a character)?

Is it possible that his seeming inability to generalize anything he practiced/knew in his past life as a pastor make him a more tragic ­– and more suspect – a victim?”

As a pastor, surely he tried to shore up people’s defenses in the face of the inevitable adversity we all face? And did his thinking about others and not just himself stop the minute he stopped being a pastor? 

Political satirist Jon Stewart once said: “If you don’t stick to your values when they’re being tested, they’re not values: they’re hobbies.”

Was living the bible merely a hobby for him then?  And his wife’s betrayal a convenient excuse for his true colors to show? The Bible is full of beautiful verses encouraging us to stay the course. My favorite is Philippians 4:12-13 “I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

I don’t blame him for being upset about what his wife did.  But to wallow in his misery after four years? And to use her “illicit affairs” as an excuse to think only of himself?!!?  Really now… 

After all, he had no complaints when you were doing all the understanding and adjusting.  He was perfectly happy when you initiated sex, as he himself suggested.  But once you made tampo, and thus reminded him that not only he but you too had insecurities, that you too had needs, he was literally out the door, nowhere to be found. I this really the sort of man you want for a partner? 

This is where Mr Baer and I differ.  In my opinion, you have only two options:

1. Give him one chance first to apologize and then to explain his totally selfish behavior before you decide it might be ok to try again – but if and only if a) you believe his reasons and b) you did nothing to initiate contact; or
2. Be thankful you escaped his “woe-is-poor-victim-me-and-happy-are-constantly-giving-you” scenario.

 All the best,

MG Holmes 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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