[Two Pronged] Am I strong enough to come out?

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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'I want to come out. I just don't know how and I don't know if I'll be strong enough to bear whatever cross the world's going to give me,' goes this week's Two-Pronged dilemma

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

Please call me MURRAY.   

I’m a 26-year-old, single gay woman. I’m a teacher, blogger, soon-to-be author (currently writing a K-12 elementary textbook for a DepEd-accredited publishing house).   

I am plagued by depression and suicidal thoughts. I think I’ve also developed a taste for alcohol consumption. It’s not my politics or religion that’s killing me inside. It is the fact that in spite of my being brutally honest (I can shred to bits any wayward, homophobic Republican on Facebook), I’m not quite honest about who I am.  

I describe myself as a “futch” (feminine butch).

Very, very few of my friends know. They accept me, but some of them say “It’s just a phase, you’re just confused, you’ll change.” I want to believe them – with eyes shut, teeth clenched. The result, I refuse to open up even to them. Worse than that, I keep getting hints from my family that IT’S NOT OKAY TO BE GAY. 

One time, I was looking for a really cool hairdo, then I came across Keith Urban’s country-rocker locks. I told my younger sister I wanted that kind of hairstyle, to which she replied annoyingly, “Ate, tomboy ka ba?” I froze inside. 

I have gay male cousins who now reside in Australia. They are quite successful in life (one is a traveler/architect with his boyfriend, the other is a hospital nurse. Both of my cousins are gay). One of my uncles (the macho type who sleeps with prostitutes and now worries that he may have prostate cancer) decided to pry and look into the photo gallery of my cousins. He found the brothers kissing their boyfriends. This enraged the whole clan. Then they went on a diatribe of name-calling and gay-shaming.

The funny thing was, when my cousins’ parents arrived here in the Philippines, my uncles and aunts who taunted the brothers all of a sudden became sweet and respectful as puritan pie. And it’s all because they are OFWs (the parents of my gay cousins) who bring in cash. Mukha talagang pera… (they love money.) 

My own mother, on the other hand, is quite welcoming of gay marriage and of gays getting equal rights… The thing is, I don’t think she’ll be accepting still if I AM THE ONE who comes out. I’m afraid that my mother – the most womanly of all women, who cooks, sews, tends to kids, plays with puppies, plays matchmaker for her love-life less co-teachers, sings to Sharon Cuneta tunes, gushes still on Gabby Concepcion, dresses smart, loves MAC makeup – like the rest of the people around me, will just turn around and tell me to get over it cause it’s just a phase. I will probably kill myself if it comes to that.  

I was teaching at a public high school in a far-flung rural area. I took the courage to tell a coworker about who I really am. She tolerated my presence, but every time I would tell something about myself (because ‘open forums’ are a thing inside a faculty room), my coworker would cut me off and would give me a really telling, DON’T YOU DARE stare.

Funny, we had a flaming gay male in the field, and he wasn’t given a cold shoulder. Everyone in the school knew of his relationship with a young student, yet he was still celebrated (I may be attracted to women, but IT NEVER crossed my mind to molest students whether the students had been willing victims or not.). At church, I was deeply mortified when I heard our priest say to one of our female parishioners, “Sayang ka. Wag kang papatol sa tomboy, masisira ang pagkatao mo.” (That’s too bad – don’t be with a gay woman, you’ll be ruined.) 

These experiences with people have forced me to go STEALTH. I don’t talk to anyone about my issues for fear that I’ll just be silenced or ridiculed. (Also, as the Council President of our parish, I risk the inevitability of excommunication once they find out that I’m gay all the way.)

My life right now is a constant reminder that there’s a price to pay for coming out as a gay woman (I can’t even say the L word!). And I want to come out. I just don’t know how and I don’t know if I’ll be strong enough to bear whatever cross the world’s going to give me.   

Thanks in advance for any help you can give me.

Love,

Murray

——————–

Dear Murray,

Thank you for your email. 

Your account of your situation leaves little room for doubt that your immediate circle – family, friends, church and school – would not be supportive if you were to reveal your true nature. It must be incredibly frustrating (to put it mildly) to be surrounded by people who claim to love you, people who claim to know the will of God, and people who claim to be well educated, only to find that they are totally mired in prejudice and ignorance and thus completely closed-minded when it comes to accepting your sexuality. You cannot even count on your mother, whose openness does not extend to her own family. 

You seem to have a very clear view of both who you really are and what problems being true to yourself will create in your current world. To come out will cause enormous problems with your family and friends, result in expulsion from your church and who knows what difficulties in the work place. 

You might want to think a little more about those around you. Quite how “loving” are these family and friends who would pillory you if you were to come out? If your church will excommunicate you if you reveal your true self, is it really the sort of church that you actually want to belong to? And if your work colleagues, supposedly intelligent people entrusted with educating the nation’s children, are so judgmental, are these people you really want to be around? 

Not coming out is already causing you to be depressed, even possibly suicidal, and reliant on alcohol to dull the pain. In these circumstances, remaining in the closet is really no longer an option if you are to lead anything like a fulfilling and happy life. But if you come out where you are currently living, while you will undoubtedly feel better within yourself, your situation vis-a-vis your relatives, friends, work and church colleagues is likely to get worse, not better.  

Maybe it is time to say goodbye to your current world of bigoted Neanderthals and look further afield, at home or abroad, to find an environment where you can flourish as your true self.

Generally, large towns and cities are more accepting than far-flung rural areas, just as first world (Western) countries are more accepting than developing countries, when it comes to accepting individual as opposed to group identity and this of course extends particularly to areas such as sexual orientation. Furthermore, as a teacher, you enjoy a mobility that should work to your advantage.  

There are also support groups for LGBTs that are accessible via social media. Many have already faced the problems that you are going through and their advice and assistance would prove invaluable. Through contacts such as these you should be able to sound out alternatives to your current backwater where you may not only survive but positively flourish.

Best of luck,

JAF Baer

Dear Murray:

I agree with Mr Baer entirely and only hope that the many groups supportive of LGBT rights will comment below so you know exactly who to contact for the support you need and deserve. However, in case they dont (after all, not everyone reads our column, surprising though that may seemteehee, jokening only,ok?) no worries, I will include their contact details within the week. 

In my opinion, Mr. Baer has also given you clear, pragmatic suggestions on what to do next. Thus, I feel I can contribute most by helping you examine the reasons anyone as intelligent, perceptive, sensitive and non-judgmental as you should feel forced to go stealth.” Others may try to ridicule and silence you (and I am sure they will try very hard), but you need not let them.   

I do not say this to everyone, Murray, because I do not believe in putting undue pressure on people who cannot take it. But your letter shows without a doubt what a rigorous mind, perceptive eye and brave heart you have.  Again I ask, what is keeping you from showing the world the complete you? Could it be your childhood? A painful experience in the past? Your temperament?   

I am sure I cannot give you all the answers, but if you share more of yourself with me, I am also fairly certain I can share some insights which may help you come into your own sooner and with much more confidence. So how about it, dearest Murray?  Can we hear from you soon? 

All the best, 

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

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