[Two Pronged] I want my money back

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I courted my wife for two years before getting married 3 months ago.  I was optimistic about the future with her. One day she suddenly admitted an illicit affair with our godfather and her very rich boss who is 70-plus years old.  She had to tell me now because her enemies at work threatened to expose her secrets. She said sorry to me, texted me saying the affair happened previously and that “nothing happened.”

I just found out now that they are rumored to be an item.

This news came as a shock to me. But in retrospect many things began to fall into place. I saw her kiss her boss on the lips on his birthday. I did not confront her because that was a few weeks before our wedding, I didn’t want to be overbearing. I just thought it might be because it was his birthday.

She did not elaborate on their affair.  But after a few days, she suffered bouts of anxiety and paranoia. She kept on saying a tape of her sex affair with her boss is already on the Internet. She couldn’t sleep and eat because she said she felt guilty towards me because I’ve been good to her  and yet she did a lot of bad things to me.

She said I would surely get very mad if I knew what she and her boss have been doing in secret, referring to their sexual activities just weeks before our wedding.  She woke up at midnight and calmly told me how the affair was carried out, including details like when and where they did it. I asked why she did not tell about this before we got married. She said I would not have married her if I knew about this.

I was totally shocked. I asked her when this affair started, she replied that  the sexual activity happened weeks before we got married. She  further told me than she had sex with her boss to get money and influence. She is quite a spender, her drawers filled with designer bags.  She said she has been using her boss to get influence in the office.  She just recently got promoted, with the boss’ help, I’m quite sure now.

Her family asked me to promise not to tell anybody about these revelations.  They even tried to hide her from me, asking me to “forgive her first”before they would allow me to see her. It is preposterous – trying to prevent me from seeing my wife! They are afraid she will reveal more of her secrets to me. 

We are now living separately.  She stays with her family while I am with my family. I think they are now coaching her what to say, what not to say, for damage control. 

What should I do now? I felt so deceived and am so confused. She has been deceiving me for a long time, even while we prepared for our wedding. I can’t stop thinking she was doing all this, while we are buying our furniture. All are lies.  She just made me look like a fool.

I want out of this marriage. The trust is no longer there, who knows what other secrets she and her family are hiding from me?  We talked a few weeks ago, she is now painting quite a different story, insisting what she and her boss have “is not really an affair.” They just often go out for dinners. She also insisted that what she said to me previously was “not entirely true,” blaming her anxiety spells, for which she has been seeking  psychiatric help. 

What she admits now is that she and her boss had an affair years before. They would still go out now, not to have sex but just to have dinner. 

If it’s true she and her boss ended their affair, why on earth would she still get him as a godfather to our wedding?? Things don’t quite fit, right? 

It pains me to think, she was having this affair and she and her family were openly deceiving me and my family during the wedding reception.

Her family is open to terminating our marriage, short of accounting for the expenses and damages (money and reputation) they have caused me and my family.

Problem for me now is that I’m fully invested in this short marriage (house pay, furniture, etc).  She refuses to pay me any damage or any reimbursement despite all the expenses I’ve incurred. 

A few months ago, I was looking forward to a happy married life, but then after these revelations, it’s like my life just ended.  I’m now feeling depressed, angry and hopeless.  

Please help.

Alfonso

Dear Alfonso,

The story you relate is indeed curious. Your wife (let’s call her Emma) suddenly reveals she has been unfaithful. Her confession however changes over time and the different versions include ‘nothing happened,’ it was a long time ago and it was recently. 

The reason for telling you at all seems to be that there is a sex tape about to hit the Internet – which incidentally must make the ‘nothing happened’ version of her infidelity quite difficult to defend. 

Notwithstanding all this, both you and Emma seem primarily motivated by the role of money in your lives. She admits that the affair was to get cash/presents and also influence/promotion at work while you are most upset because Emma refuses to pay you damages and reimburse you for your financial investment in the marriage. 

Notably absent from your account is the slightest hint at why Emma wanted to get married to you in the first place and the vague suggestion that either of you is heartbroken. Instead, it’s all about money, deception, Emma making you look a fool, etc. 

Your situation seems to call not for relationship advice or psychological help but a pit bull of a family lawyer who will secure the best possible financial settlement for you. Should you consider my view unduly harsh, rest assured Dr Holmes will probably adopt a completely different approach to your situation. Wishing you the best of luck,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Alfonso:

Thank you for your letter. 

You will need a lot of time to process the hurt and anger you feel. If you are 100% sure you want out of the marriage, then getting out as soon as you can is what you should concentrate on at the moment. 

However, I hope you will also give yourself the space to deal with your feelings of “depression, anger and hopelessness.” You write that you feel your “life just ended.” Could you tell us more about that so that we could also address your feelings beyond being used financially? Such feelings are more difficult to talk about, of course, but when you’re ready, we shall be here, hoping to still be able to help you.

I am ignorant about the intricacies of law, but I am familiar with the intricacies of the human heart and this is the way it usually goes:

Unless both parties are trustworthy, the best thing is to protect yourself as much as possible. The longer you stay together, the more complicated it becomes – other people with more dubious motives get involved and emotions harden, making more realistic, more finely nuanced outcomes harder to achieve because hurt and anger are more difficult to contain.

You loved your wife then and thus wanted the best for her and the family you hoped to have with her. This is now a shattered dream and that has left you bitter and disappointed. Do not let these emotions cloud what is now a mere financial settlement. 

Her family is counting on you wanting to avoid scandal at any cost. If they are right, you will already have lost. Remember however that they too are probably as concerned about reputation as you are. This is still a sexist world, and all things being equal, an unsuccessful marriage without any children and lasting only a few months will most likely make the man seem more attractive, the woman far less so. The difference between you will even become even more stark, if the rumors prove true. 

My only hope is that things turn out not too badly for you; if you lose a tremendous amount of money, it will be terrible but, in the end, if money is all you really have lost, you will have gotten off easy. 

All the best,

MG Holmes 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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