[Two Pronged] Dad and his mistress

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I have enough evidence, short of a photograph, to prove that my father has been cheating on my mother. I am not a child anymore; I’m a 30-year-old woman so I can handle this discovery better than my younger siblings. However, I went through, and still am going through different phases of depression, shock, extreme disappointment, and feelings of disrespect towards my father. 

We lived abroad for some time as my father is an OFW. Through his success, he was also able to bring some of his brothers abroad. However, some of my father’s brothers who weren’t fortunate enough to bring the family overseas with them, succumbed to the temptations of being with other women. One already has already broken his family in the process.

According to my mother, my father was also disgusted when he knew of his brother’s affair. So back then, it was beyond me to think that my father would ever become unfaithful towards my mother. 

However, there came a time when we needed to move back to the Philippines, all except for my father, who was left in the Middle East. He was alone there most of the time – or so I thought – and would go on short vacations to the Philippines when his schedule permitted.

 I started to suspect my father of cheating around 3 years ago. When my father visited us in the Philippines, he checked in a hotel and I dropped by there unexpectedly. I caught him having drinks with a girl, whom he introduced to me as his “business partner.” 

 Approximately two years ago, while I was walking around near a popular mall, I recognized his car on the road. I caught a glimpse of a woman with him who is definitely not my mother. I wasn’t sure if it was the same girl I saw at the hotel. I immediately called him and asked him straight out who he was with, and he just waved it off and said it’s somebody from work. 

 After these two instances, I began to use all kinds of measures to gather evidence that my father is indeed cheating on my mother. It took me a couple of years and only had opportunities during his short vacations, and after much patience, I finally have a face and a name. Many times I already know where he is before I call him, and then when I would ask him where he was, he would lie to me.

 An even more shocking discovery that I made is when I found out that he brings his mistress to the Middle East and back to the Philippines as well. It seems as though he got her an apartment abroad and lives with her. It broke my heart when I knew this because all this time I thought that he only has a chance to meet up with her during his short visits in the Philippines. I still do not know if they met abroad or here in the Philippines, but it is tragic either way. 

 I want to confront my father but I do not have the evidence of a photograph, and I fear he just might deny all this and become even more careful with the affair. I know better than to tell my mother of what I know, because I can’t imagine how she would feel.

I do not know if she suspects anything, but I think she might be the type of person who “would rather not know.” My father has hid this from my mom very well; she doesn’t have my resources to be able to find out what my father is doing so even if she has suspicions, she doesn’t have the kind of information that I have. She loves my dad dearly and I am also afraid my father just might deny it outright and start a fight instead.

I am in a terrible state whenever I think about it, so what more could it do to my mother, who is not very young anymore to handle this. I don’t know where to start, because there would be an enormous strain on my family once this gets out. My siblings are very young and this situation might have some sort of psychological impact on them when they grow up.

Although I do pray that my father to realizes that what he is doing is wrong, I cannot imagine what I will have to do in order to convince him to stop seeing his young mistress… now that I know, I am so disappointed with how weak and hypocritical my father is. 

Jaz

Dear Jaz,

Thank you for your letter.

It is quite understandable that you are concerned about your parents’ marriage since children typically want a stable, normal and model union to aspire to in their own lives. In addition, children are usually loath to be reminded of their parents’ sexuality, especially as their parents get older. There is no gainsaying that they had intercourse, since otherwise (barring adoption etc.) the children themselves would not exist, but that can be forgiven as it happened decades ago. Most however do not want to dwell on the fact that their parents are still sexually active and discussion of sex among the elderly remains one of the modern era’s taboos.

Against this background your anger at your father’s behavior can be understood. You want everything in the ancestral home to be sweetness and light. You want no reminders of his sexual prowess, nothing but your parents’ enjoyment of their old age in quiet harmony, holding hands while watching the sunset and exchanging the occasional chaste kiss on the cheek.

There are however alternative narratives to this story. So far it has been exclusively about YOU. Admittedly, your wants are flimsily disguised as what is ‘best’ for your parents but even then it is you who is deciding what this ‘best’ should be. 

But what about your parents? Your father is an OFW and has been for years. That is a hard life and families have to adjust as best they can. Indubitably, two-parent families living in their homeland enjoying a satisfactory income may be the ideal, but for the millions of OFWs and their dependents that is simply not the reality. They have to accept an alternative.

Each family will adapt in its own way. Compromises and accommodations are inevitable and fidelity may be one of them. Are you privy to the spoken and unspoken understandings between your parents? Of course not, and they obviously do not want you to be, otherwise you and your siblings would be fully aware of such things as mistresses. 

This does not mean that they may not make mistakes, nor guarantee that their marriage will remain rock solid. But these are matters for your parents to sort out. These are their responsibilities.

Loneliness is one of the most prevalent OFW issues. It can lead to depression, infidelity, substance abuse, suicide. Sometimes a decision to return home, despite the financial drawbacks, may be the only viable outcome.

But with their incomes supporting countless relatives back home, it should be no surprise that some choose to give less importance to fidelity when assessing their futures and in many cases their spouses may acknowledge this, even if only tacitly. This is not to advocate infidelity, merely to understand how it can occur.

And this does not mean that you are prohibited from ‘depression, shock, extreme disappointment, and … disrespect’ on learning of your father’s mistress. These feelings however are probably the result of seeing your father’s behavior through the prism of your own life.

If you also try to see things from his perspective, you may at least achieve a clearer and more balanced view of the decisions he has made and why he made them, even if you never come to condone the consequences.

In the final analysis however, and absent dementia and similar handicaps, children should remain children and not seek to exchange roles with their parents. They are not in a position to understand fully all the nuances of the relationship between their parents. They are also ill-placed to give any objective advice, not least because they suffer from myriad conflicts of interest. 

So forget trying to impose your ‘wisdom’ on your father, trying to protect your mother and leave them to live their lives as they see fit. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

——————

Dear Jaz:

Thank you very much for your letter.  It shows what a loving, caring daughter you are who, despite the anguish and outrage you felt, thought it best to ask someone else for some advice. I am glad you did, because Jeremy is spot on. 

I will do a Clinical Notes column on this because I think (and hope) you may be further helped if you had more tools to understand what you are going through. Despite your strong feelings, you were willing to wait so that you could work out the best course of action. Others would merely have responded in knee-jerk fashion and I commend you for  a level of maturity not many of us possess.

All the best,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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