[Clinical Notes] More on the ‘Dad and his mistress’ dilemma

In this edition of Clinical Notes, clinical psychologist Margarita Holmes delves deeper into the issues raised by a Two-Pronged reader who is struggling with the possibility of her dad’s infidelity. 

Our column “Dad and his Mistress” dealt with the possible reasons Jaz’s family might benefit more from her silence at this juncture.

I hope I do not come across as biased when I say that Mr Baer’s answer was excellent and needs no further elucidation; it both focused on the particulars Jaz shared about her life, and yet offered a wider perspective of our OFW situation and the challenges of any marriage. 

For this Clinical Notes column, I will focus on Jaz herself and the possible reasons her reaction to her father’s affair was so strong, even given that any daughter who cared for both her parents would understandably be hurt on finding out her father was unfaithful.

What follows is mere hypothesis, because my only exposure to Jaz is the same as yours – the powerful letter she wrote us.

Her words are equally powerful. “I know better than to tell my mother of what I know, because I can’t imagine how she would feel.

I do not know if she (Jaz’s mother) suspects anything, but I think she might be the type of person who “would rather not know.” My father has hid this from my mom very well; she doesn’t have my resources to be able to find out what my father is doing so even if she has suspicions, she doesn’t have the kind of information that I have.”

One can admire Jaz’s desire to lessen her mother’s pain; all people who love each other would feel the same. And yet, by describing her mother as someone who needs protection to this extent, Jaz is presenting what could be a rather unflattering portrait of a woman who now comes across as rather incompetent, “not having the resources her daughter does” etc. In that single phrase alone, Jaz has vanquished her mother as a realistic competitor for her father’s love. 

I am not suggesting incest. At least, not incest in the literal, physical way.  But if  neopsychoanalytical theory is to be believed, then Jaz could be described as someone with an unresolved Electra complex.

Allow me to digress a bit and quote: “The Electra complex is a psychoanalytic term used to describe a girl’s sense of competition with her mother for the affections of her father. It is comparable to the Oedipus complex.

According to Sigmund Freud, during female psychosexual development a young girl is initially attached to her mother. When she discovers that she does not have a penis, she becomes attached to her father and begins to resent her mother who she blames for her ‘castration’.”

But Freud believed that, in fear of losing her mother’s love, the girl would then attempt to resolve her “Electra Complex” by trying to identify with and emulate her. In the eyes of a 7-year old girl, her mother, after all, will clearly win in the battle for her father’s love. Among other reasons, what resources does a child have to realistically compete with an adult?

While the term Electra complex is frequently associated with Freud, it was actually Carl Jung who coined the term in 1913. Freud in fact rejected the term and described it as an attempt “to emphasize the analogy between the attitude of the two sexes.” Freud himself used the term feminine Oedipus attitude to describe what we now refer to as the Electra complex.

True, Freud’s Oedipus theory has been criticized as too simplistic. In fact, the authors of the Oxford Companion to the Mind (1987) state “Freud’s formula … gives a one-sided and too simple an account of the complex interactions of the family.”

And yet Freud’s Introductory Lectures on Psychoanalysis (1920) makes clear his intentions:  “I do not wish to assert that the Oedipus complex exhausts the relation of children to their parents: it can easily be far more complicated. The Oedipus complex can, moreover, be developed to a greater or lesser strength, it can even be reversed; but it is a regular and very important factor in a child’s mental life.”

Very likely, it is this unresolved (but fluid-enough-to-be-resolved) Electra complex that is largely responsible for Jaz’s strong reaction to her father’s affair and fantasies of “what I will have to do in order to convince him to stop seeing his young mistress…”

This is the second reason I hypothesize (as opposed to conclude) that Electra Complex is one of the underlying subtexts of Jaz’s reactions.

It would be wonderful, indeed, if a daughter could get her father to stop fooling around, but that is not in her remit. If anyone could, if anyone should even bother, it would be his wife, Jaz’s mother.  And yet Jaz feels it is she who has to get him to stop. 

Jaz herself told us:  “I am not a child anymore; I’m a 30-year-old woman.”  At that age, many would have their own lives, with their own families of origin (where they are the children) of receding importance as they make their own mark in the world, focused on their own families of generation (where they are the parents – be it with literal children of their own, or pets, advocacies, careers).

What should produce the most visceral responses of anguish, pain, anger, betrayal are their own endeavors, not those of their parents. At 30, while many still care a lot about their parents’ possible interactions with each other, most people have enough going on in their own lives not to make said parental emotional intimacies the focus of their lives. 

And yet Jaz is still focused on her family of origin as her sole concern.

A daughter who realizes her father has another woman may be upset, for her mother, yes, but usually not to the extent Jaz is. She may do what she can to learn more about the other woman, but again, not usually to the extent of spending her resources the way Jaz did, unless she felt, ifs only on an unconscious level, that pushing herself to do so could help not only her mother, but herself as well.

The third reason the Electra Complex (a little girl’s competing with her mother for her father’s love) is usually resolved by the time a girl hits 7 or 8, is the 7/8/9-year-old’s realization that she has more in common with, and has much more to gain by being close to, her mom rather than her dad. Still, it occasionally reasserts itself as it has here.

Think how much more difficult it is for Jaz now that her perceived rival (the mistress) can no longer be as easily dismissed as the mother she has decided to bond with instead of competing against. 

This new rival is not someone with whom she can exchange makeup tips or convince herself to love, the way she could with her mom. This new rival did not help her through her first heartaches or celebrate her victories.

This rival is an enemy, far more formidable than the original, in that she is younger and, if she goes to and from the Middle East with her father, spends more time with him than Jaz ever could.

That is why Jaz describes her realization: “I went through, and still am going through different phases of depression, shock, extreme disappointment, and feelings of disrespect towards my father.”

The above is more closely related to a wife’s, and not an adult daughter’s, reaction, no matter how close the blood ties are with each other. 

So, what now, then?    

Two Pronged gave Jaz perspectives into the possible outcomes of confronting her father and/or telling her mother.

The more cynical among you may feel that all Clinical Notes seems to have done is make Jaz feel bad about not completely resolving her Electra complex. 

However, this specific CN – if, in fact, it resonates with Jaz’s issues, something I cannot guarantee – can support Jaz in her attempts to behave as a daughter first and foremost. 

She has started, by keeping herself from doing what her powerful emotions urged, but instead writing people she considered might be able to give her credible insights. This shows that she can exercise tremendous control over herself if she feels strongly enough – for her family, her mom’s mental health, etc etc. 

It is this discipline which can help her take into account what she’s read here and decide for herself if it resonates with her and what she can do about it should she wish to do so. 

And I wish her all the luck and light in the world… 

And should this not resonate with Jaz particularly, then I know it will resonate with at least one reader and for that, I will not have written in vain. – Rappler.com