US basketball

[Two Pronged] Should I leave her?

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

This is AI generated summarization, which may have errors. For context, always refer to the full article.

One woman is in a relationship with a lady who has two kids and is living with her partner. 'Though she says that she doesn't love her partner anymore, she can't seem to leave him,' goes this week's Two Pronged dilemma

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I’m an avid reader of your column, but I never thought the day would come that I would be the one asking for your advice.

I am a lesbian and have had many relationships in the past, this time with a woman who has two kids and living with her partner. 

Our relationship started with friendship and developed into something more since she claims that she is no longer happy with her partner and is happy to know me. This, because I can give her the love and attention that she couldn’t get from her partner who is always away and is very jealous.

We are now in a long-distance state since I was called to work to another city but during weekends and holidays, I get to see her, and she gets mad if we don’t see each other. 

Now I get confused because although I know what I got myself into, I am already in the stage where I want to be with her. Though she says that she doesn’t love her partner anymore, she can’t seem to leave him and I am not convinced that the children are the only reason. The kids are aged 4 and two. 

Please give me advice on this, if I should continue or if I better leave her. I can’t talk to anyone about this because I know nobody will understand.

Hoping for your earnest reply. 

Very truly yours,

Confused

—————–

Dear Confused,

Thank you for your email.

Perhaps a good starting point is your statement that your girlfriend (let’s call her Jean) “is happy to know me because I can give her the love and attention that she couldn’t get from her partner.” What is immediately clear from this is that the relationship for Jean is all about her, not you. No hint  even of her feelings for you (if any). 

It seems that she is in an enviable position, with two partners who between them can cater to her every need, and she also has a couple of children to satisfy her maternal instincts. She has not one but two people dancing attendance on her. She has also learned from her male partner how to play the jealousy card and has turned it on you, clearly to good effect from her point of view but not from yours. 

But what about you and your expectations from a relationship? What do you have now? You only see Jean at weekends and holidays, you are sharing her with someone else and also with her children, and you suspect with good reason that you rank third and last in her list of priorities. Is this really how you want to live your life? 

From your account, Jean will not leave her partner so the relationship has no future. And since, frankly, it does not have much of a present either (sharing the cake two days a week), I would suggest that you consider moving on.   

All the best,

JAF Baer

Dear Confused:

Thank you very much for your letter. Jeremy has said everything I want to say.  But you know something else, Confused? The reason I am sure that what hes written is spot on (especially the part that says: “…consider moving on)  is what you yourself wrote us, and that is  “…I know what I got myself into. 

“I got myself into.” Thats right, you. You got yourself into this, and it is great that you realize and accept this. It is great that you are taking responsibility for your relationship. 

In psychology, we call this a “sense of agency” (SOA). There are many definitions of SOA but the one I like best is “Your ability to take action, be effective, influence your own life, and assume responsibility for your behavior … This sense of agency is essential for you to feel in control of your life: to believe in your capacity to influence your own thoughts and behavior, and have faith in your ability to handle a wide range of tasks or situations. Having a sense of agency influences your stability as a separate person; it is your capacity to be psychologically stable, yet resilient or flexible, in the face of conflict or change.” (Read more.)

I know, I know, Confused, the complete paragraph from where your SOA is so clear is: Now I get confused because although I know what I got myself into, I am already in the stage where I want to be with her, but although she says that she doesn’t love her partner anymore, she can’t seem to leave him and I am not convinced that the children are the only reason. The kids are aged 4 and two.

Thats okay. No psychologist worth her salt would say people with a sense of agency never get themselves into problems, even big problems.   What I do know from clinical experience, however, is that those who have a strong enough SOA can get themselves out of things (even if it is as serious and painful as getting into a relationship like yours) more easily and straightforwardly than those who dont 

Take your current girlfriend. I, of course, do not know her.  But from what youve written and from what Jeremy surmised, I surmise that, she either has very little SOA or an incredibly strong one, which made it possible to get you where she wants you.

Example 1: “Our relationship started with friendship and developed into something more since she claims that she is no longer happy with her partner and is happy to know me. This, because I can give her the love and attention that she couldn’t get from her partner who is always away and is very jealous.” 

Lordy, lordy, Confused, who would not fall for a woman who makes you feel like a knight in shining armor?

Example 2:  “We are now in a long-distance statusbut during weekends and holidays I get to see her, and she gets mad if we don’t see each other. 

Again, Confused, one might feel flattered that she gets upset when you dont see each other, but someone more astute might ask: Hold on a minute, why am I doing all the running in this relationship?  Why am I the one who always has to do the traveling back and forth to see her? Tapos siya pa ang nagagalit?!!?  (Yet she has the gall to be upset?!!?)

I suspect you are the one who does all the running because youve accepted the role she wittingly or unwittingly cast you in.  Again, that knight in shining armor. 

It is time to decide whether this current master manipulator of a girlfriend of yours can continue to reap the benefits (for her) of being the damsel in distress you save or whether you will allow your dormant SOA to once more choose what it is you want to do and who it is you want to do it with.  It wont be easy but as I am sure you know by now, it will be well worth it.  

All the best and good luck!

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

 

Add a comment

Sort by

There are no comments yet. Add your comment to start the conversation.

Summarize this article with AI

How does this make you feel?

Loading
Download the Rappler App!