Being aware of ‘meta-messages’

For the avoidance of doubt, I love all comments I get after an article I write, positive or, indeed, negative (even sarcastic). There is so much more I want to say on the subject and a comment gives me the opportunity to actually do that.

I especially liked the last 2 comments on my column Medication can help bipolars because it was pretty clear both got what meta-messages meant. This was one of the 2 goals I hoped the article would achieve because being aware of the meta-messages we receive in our own lives, we need not be controlled by them to the same extent (if at all). 

Also, aware that we may be sending meta-messages of disempowerment, neglect, even aggression ourselves, we may  decide to tone things down a bit, unless we do  want to come across as all those things. Under most circumstances, knowing about meta-messages makes communication far more effective.

‘Tampo’ 

Let’s take tampo. What is the combination of not speaking, not making eye contact, sometimes even a little baby pout meant to say, if not “You hurt me”? Perhaps not just “You hurt me”  but  “I want you to apologize and/or make amends in some way.”

I’ve been trying to teach my husband that making amends is buying tons of expensive jewelry but, alas, he has been here long enough to know the best way is via another meta message, lambing.

Tampo is not to be mistaken for dabog, which has similar body language but no cute little baby pout, but instead a rather grouchy face and sometimes even some pot banging or door slamming thrown in. Meta message: “Boyoboy, am I angry! And if you know what’s good for you, you’ll find a way to make amends quickly!”

 

I’ve been told that staff at home — maids, drivers gardeners, etc — tend to make dabog, perhaps as a warning, “Keep treating me this way and I’m off to the neighbors whom I’ve already told you (another meta-message) offered me twice as much as you’re paying me.”

 

The employer may ignore the employee’s dabog (and perhaps even behave differently) thus sending the meta-message “Ok, ok, I got your message and if this is what it takes to keep you, I will abide by it.”

 

On the other hand, the employer may confront the employee and say “If you want to say something, say it straight!  I don’t like the way you’re behaving so you better shape up or off you go.” Meta-message: I like/need you but you can only go so far.

But meta-messages don’t happen only within our culture.

My husband once consulted a physician in Amsterdam where he was working who, after examining him for 10 minutes, pronounced, “I can operate next week”. Here the meta-message is that the physician is god and mere mortals/patients should take his verdict as gospel.

My husband then asked the doctor if perhaps he could first be told what the problem was, and received a barrage of the most obscure medical language interspersed with Latin terms. The initial meta-message of god and mortals was thus underlined by ensuring that the god’s explanation was unintelligible to the mere mortal.

In the Philippines, we tend to do it more subtly, with overtones of “I care about you because we’re (almost) family. For example: The physician who calls you hijo (or hija), as he pats you on the shoulder says: “Don’t worry about a thing. Just take these pills for that nasty infection, and before you know it, you’ll be good as new.”

Some women like this meta-message: A doctor as a caring father in whom you can place your complete faith and trust. 

Of course, if the person pats your butt instead of your shoulder, and that person is an aging bishop instead of a doctor, that would be a sending a different meta-message.  And yes, I am aware (as I hope you are) that writing this paragraph is sending the meta-message that I am anti-cleric. 

‘Deadma’

Question: Does a meta-message have only one interpretation?

Answer:  Ideally, yes.  But more often, no. 

Here is an example.

Making deadma. You know, the way you pretend you didn’t hear what the other person said and you continue with whatever you’re doing as if nothing’s changed?

A 15-year old student tells her tutor: “I love you” while he’s explaining algebra to her.  He deadmas her by continuing his lesson, behaving as if she said nothing.  Is the tutor’s making deadma just his way of saying the feeling isn’t reciprocal?

Not necessarily.

Depending what else the tutor does (looking around to see if parents are nearby and signifying “shhh” with a finger to his lips)  the meta-message could be: “Tell me another time when your parents aren’t around and I’ll show you what love can be.” The girl may pick up on his willingness, but not on the fact this guy is like a little boy misbehaving, only authority isn’t around.

On the other hand, the same deadma behavior of continuing as if nothing was said could be an entirely different meta-message. It could just as likely to be: “I like you lots and I don’t want to hurt you, but there’s no way we can have a relationship. And this is the best way I know I can tell you that: to pretend nothing’s happened.”

He didn’t want to hurt the pupil, and he thought the best way to do it was to pretend she said nothing.  That way, she too could pretend the same and then it would be as if the whole thing never happened and thus she need not wish the whole world swallowed her up.

Power of look

Of course, you can deadma people for not very good reasons either. Your child asks you if he can go out with his friends that night. You don’t want to look like the bad guy (even if you are) so you make deadma but do your work more huffily and put that “do not disturb” look in your eyes and presto! He never asks again.

Oh, and here’s one that drives me up the wall: “I’m sorry if I hurt you.” Here the person is not only not apologizing for whatever happened but trying to suggest that you were in fact responsible by being too sensitive.

I finally told someone: “You didn’t hurt me. You were bloody rude. That’s what you should apologize for.”

Sometimes the strongest meta-messages need no words spoken at all. And yet, the power of that look across the room, or of quickly looking away the minute another’s spouse arrives – how many times have psychologists been told that the final proof that their clients’ husbands were having affairs were looks like those?

There are countless meta-messages we give and receive throughout our lives.  I’d love to hear about some of yours. – Rappler.com