You think you can see us

Shakira Sison

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'Reducing a minority to subhuman levels is a well-known practice that makes oppression and violence possible'

Here’s the problem. You think you know who the gay people are. When you lean over and whisper to your friend about that transgender woman across the room, you think your friend is giggling with you. When you point out that lesbian couple at the grocery store, you assume your friend is not gay, or doesn’t know anyone who is. You think you’re so knowledgeable in identifying “them” and sharing some snide remark with someone you’re certain agrees.

You think it’s cool to brag about your gaydar because your skills at detecting us are so useful, just like how you can tell who is wearing a wig or who’s had a facelift. The thing is, it’s more like pointing out Muslims or blacks in a crowd. It aims to segregate and stereotype. It aims to separate yourself from someone you perceive as inferior, different, or is a spectacle. It attempts to reveal those who have the audacity to try and blend in with the “normal” crowd. Why does it matter so much to point out who you think we are?

When you decline the presence of an effeminate boy in school, or justify blocking a man’s promotion at work because he’s “a little soft,” you think no one cares about this discrimination. You actually think it makes sense, and that others would definitely agree. You think your boss will automatically side with your reasoning. After all, he’s so macho and therefore, wouldn’t want a sissy on his team, right?

Bystanders

When you sit by as governments come up with laws against us, you think it’s just against some tight-shirted men in a parade. When you say gay people are already abusing your kindness because unlike your country, other nations have actually criminalized our livesyou don’t consider who you’re saying it to. When you nod in deference to your Church’s teachings to reject us, you don’t realize you could be agreeing to reject your own sister or your child.

When you shrug off the knowledge that we are being beaten for showing up to a march or for taking a walk, or when you are fine that a group targets young boys for being gay, you don’t stop to think of their mothers and fathers, and how your own parents might feel if you were the one battered instead. You don’t pause to think that they could be killing your own child, since your kid can’t possibly be gay. “He’s so normal,” you say. “She’s so girly,” you claim. You might be in for a surprise. You might feel differently if it’s your own child.

When you mock, curse, insult and mistreat someone because they don’t conform to your ideas of masculinity and femininity, you don’t stop to think of who they could be, other than the fact that they don’t “fit.” You isolate their actions, box them into your ideas, and limit them to that so you can believe that’s all they are lustful, sinful, and unnatural. You call us animals because of your own obsession with our sex lives. 

Below human

It’s the oldest trick in the book, and the mindset of all wars and genocides. Reducing a minority to subhuman levels is a well-known practice that makes oppression and violence possible.Take a look at the comments section of any gay-themed article in the Philippines and you will inevitably find something like, “Gays are pigs and must be exterminated,” and never once find, “Gays are just like my mother, brother and sister.” Likening minorities to our own flesh and blood makes it difficult to cast them aside or deem them unworthy of what we have.

It’s prejudice that saves you time in evaluating facts, reason, and your own heart. Prejudice allows you to think we look the same, act the same, and are fueled by the same motivations. Prejudice makes you believe that our brothers won’t defend us or our mothers won’t come back to remind you about manners and humanity. In your mind, our families cannot possibly accept our immoral lives, much less tell you that you are wrong.

You think we are alone and don’t know how to defend ourselves from your hate. You don’t know that we come together and share our stories of happiness and defeat. You’re unaware that whatever phrase it is you’ve so cleverly coined for us, we’ve already heard. You’re not only ignorant, but unoriginal in your ignorance. At least come up with a more unique line.

Your claim to love

You think you know love, and believe that whatever it is that homosexuals claim to have must only be lust. You’ve laid claim to love, romance, relationships, and marriage and you’ve decided we’re not capable of that. You’ve decided that whatever we have must be a watered-down imitation, a make-believe family that can’t be as authentic as what you have. You don’t entertain that you might be talking to a friend who has two moms or two dads, or who is one-half of a same-sex couple with a child. You speak freely about your aversion to lesbians in front of children who might have been raised by their two very loving moms. Would you let anyone speak in front of your children with disgust for you and your husband or wife?

You raise up your own relationships by invalidating ours. Why? Is your marriage not strong enough to stand on its own if you don’t take something from someone else? Does your love mean less if you don’t treat what others have as meaningless? That’s like not feeling your own wealth if you don’t steal the same amount from someone else. It doesn’t make sense, and it shows only how greedy you are about happiness. Perhaps, you’re bitter that those who are told they can’t have it are still willing to try.

You think you know us, based on pictures in your head of how men and women should and shouldn’t be. You call us “third sex,” as if there’s a first and better sex, and then a second lesser sex, and because you can’t fathom that we could be males or females but not conform to rules and norms to which you are confined.

We do not exist to you other than as caricatures, annoying eyesores that irk you during your peaceful day. You forget that each one of us has a mother who may love us, or may have turned us away. Each one of us has a father who might well be your boss. Imagine how you would stand in his eyes once he realizes you’ve harassed his son. Imagine how your colleague feels when you say people like him are disgusting because you assumed he’s as straight and as narrow-minded as you are.

Be kind for the right reason

But hey, don’t be more tolerant just because a gay man could be your best friend’s brother. Don’t restrain yourself just because you might get caught hurting someone for their unacceptable attire. Don’t be kind to others just because it’s good for your image or it would help you keep your job. That kid you bully or coworker you tease could very well be your brother’s boyfriend, but don’t be a decent human being just because you’ll hurt someone you might know. Don’t suddenly silence your homophobic remarks just because “May natatamaan pala (Someone is affected).” Evaluate your sentiments’ validity, logic, and offensiveness then change your own mind.

Do it because kindness is expected of each person, and towards each person, no matter who they are, or who they know. Care to know who we are, precisely because you don’t know who we are and who you’re possibly hurting. Get to know a same-sex couple and see if you still feel that what they have is inferior to your marriage or relationship.

It’s not complicated. In fact, there is a simple formula. Simply treat anyone how you would like to be treated. Say only things you’d want to be said back to you. Those are fundamental and universal core values you should have learned as a very young child. But you didn’t, though it’s not too late. There is still time to be kind. – Rappler.com

Shakira Andrea Sison is a Palanca Award-winning essayist. She currently works in finance and spends her non-working hours being kind in subway trains. She is a veterinarian by education and was managing a retail corporation in Manila before relocating to New York in 2002. Her column appears on Thursdays. Follow her on Twitter: @shakirasison and on Facebook.com/sisonshakira. 

 

Screaming man from Shutterstock

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