50 things you need to be told

I’ve noticed that many of my readers are young enough to be my children, and that only means I am getting old! 

While I’m looking forward to everything else the coming years have to offer, the past few decades have taught me so much and have made me grateful enough to want to share what I’ve learned.

With June being Pride Month (and also my birth month), here are some unsolicited life tips from someone who’s lived, loved, and lost:

1. You are the best thing that will ever happen to someone you are about to meet.
2. You are not bad, sinful, or an abomination. You simply are who you are.
3. You will be told you are many things so know who you are and learn when to turn off your ears.
4. It’s okay to hide, to be cautious, and to not wear your sexual identity on your sleeve.
5. It’s not your job to come out to absolutely everyone you meet.
6. Just because your circumstances force you to stay in the closet doesn’t mean you’re not proud.
7. Just because your parents don’t understand you, it doesn’t mean what you feel is wrong, even if they say it is.
8. Just because your parents don’t accept you, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care.
9. You can’t drop a bomb and expect no damage or shock. No matter how “obvious” you think you are, denial is a powerful thing, and you might have just turned their world upside-down. Give them the same time you needed to be ready to talk about.
10. It’s not your obligation to correct every misconception about homosexuals, but it’s your duty to be a good example.
11. Being gay is not a license to be loud, rude, defiant, or annoying. Being gay doesn’t mean you’re exempted from manners, etiquette, or human decency.
12. Being bullied because you’re different doesn’t make bullying others okay. Being harassed and ridiculed on a daily basis doesn’t make it okay to sit by as others suffer the same fate.
13. Having a hard time at school doesn’t mean you’re not meant to finish your studies. Your education will be your best ally in the world. Be a little patient and keep your eyes on the prize.
14. When looking for a job, look for the most progressive and accepting place, but learn to blend in when your safety and well-being depend on it.
15. Standing up for yourself and people like you is admirable, but not at the cost of life or limb. You will be of better service to all if you stay alive, sane, and healthy.
16. Know when a job doesn’t fit and when it’s time to move on. (This is where #14 comes in)
17. Being gay is only a sliver of who you are. Don’t make it the focal point of your existence or your fallback excuse for not being the best you can be.
18. The first one you love is most likely the one who will break your heart so well that you don’t think you’ll ever recover. It’s happened to all of us, and there is more in store for you once you get past that.
19. Just because you are gay doesn’t mean you have to overcompensate to make up for breaking convention, but it also doesn’t give you the license to be an under-achiever.
20. Even if your partner identifies as straight, they chose to be in a same-sex relationship with you. Do not let them resent you for a decision they made on their own will. Don’t let them blame you for the consequences of their actions.
21. In the same respect, don’t be with someone to “convert” them from straight to gay. You may open their eyes to gay relationships, but who they are and what they will be is something they need to discover on their own.
22. Never be with someone who wants you to become the gender you are not, and points this out to you like it’s your shortcoming. That in itself is an irreconcilable conflict. Don’t be the wrong person before you even start.
23. Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean you will always be left or you’ll always be alone. There are many lasting and loving same-sex relationships and marriages. Look around.
24. There will always be that next one you will love as long as you don’t give up.
25. Being left for someone else hurts, but it’s also the reality of life and growing up. One day you will have to leave someone and you’ll hope they’ll also understand.
    
26. Some people have sex for the sake of sex. Stop resenting and demonizing people who can do it without love if they’re clear about their motives.
27. If someone tells you it’s just for fun and you fall in love, that’s your fault, not theirs.
28. Don’t assume you’re loved just because you had sex, even if it was mind-blowing, meaningful, or your first time.
29. Be accountable to yourself and take responsibility for your body. Don’t consent to sex and then claim something was taken from you or that you gave something up, and are therefore owed. You owe yourself your own respect.
30. Safe sex, always. If you’re not mature enough to ask about previous sexual partners, you’re not mature enough to have sex.
31. Wear a condom without having to be asked. The few minutes of bareback is not worth a lifetime of regret. Every three hours someone in the Philippines is infected with HIV. Nobody “looks positive,” so don’t assume a person must be negative just because you’re hot for them right now.
32. Get tested. Often. If you don’t care to know, the ones who love you do. A positive result is not the end of the world, but not getting tested could be fatal.
33. At best, sex will take up only 5% of your waking hours. Choose a partner whose company you also enjoy for the remaining 95% of your time.
34. Do not underestimate the value of good housekeeping. A clean and organized home allows you to focus on other things and minimizes domestic conflicts.
35. Learn to cook. It’s healthier, more economical, and a good exercise in compatibility, creativity, and gratitude.
36. Figure out a household budget and follow it. Do not underestimate the power of an emergency or an unforeseen event to wipe out your finances. Have more than enough to cover you if you are unemployed for six months.
37. Live as if nobody will rescue you if you fail. The reliability of your family is a blessing, not a financial plan. Be ashamed if you’re a grown person receiving handouts from mom and dad. You should be taking care of them now and not the other way around.
38. Faith and homosexuality are not mutually exclusive. There are tolerant parishes, and gay-friendly church groups. Every person in every faith makes rule exceptions for certain aspects of their lives. It is never a sin to love with all of your heart.
39. Coming out to others is optional. Accepting yourself is essential to happiness and peace of mind.
40. If you feel bitterness towards yourself and who you are, do not be surprised if you choose partners who will treat you the same way.
41. If you find that you still say “Kahit na ‘ganito’ ako,” (Even if I’m like this) try to break out of that mentality that you are lower than others, flawed, or need to make up for yourself. Who you are is a gift, and we express gratitude by being proud and using our gifts for good.
42. Never apologize for being gay. Nobody apologizes for having black hair or blue eyes. Nobody says, “I’m so sorry that I’m morena.” Don’t ever be sorry for who you are and how you were born. It disrespects your creator.
43. The most wonderful times of our lives start with great beginnings, so don’t forget that endings must precede them. Don’t be afraid of ending something that’s no longer good for you, or else it will keep you from something that actually is.
44. Just because you don’t need to make a statement about yourself doesn’t mean others shouldn’t come out and be proud. Remember that the brazenness, pride, and courage of others make everyone else’s struggles easier, especially for those who don’t feel the need to speak up.
45. Do not badmouth, malign, or discriminate against members of the community who are older, less wealthy, less informed, less attractive, or less exposed to your experiences and educational resources. Your value to the community does not depend on how many people are below you, but how much you contribute for everyone’s gain.
46. Treat coming out as giving others the privilege of knowing you completely, not as a favor to you or as your desperate request for acceptance. You will flourish with or without their approval.
47. It’s okay to be sad if someone doesn’t accept you, but not because you need their acceptance to go on. Be sad because that person won’t see the amazing person you’re about to become.
48. You can’t control the reactions of people to you but you can control what kinds of people are around you.
49. Surround yourself with  people who don’t allow others to treat them poorly. Be around those who will defend you and love you, and will teach you how it feels to be free.
50. It gets so much better. I am proof of that, and soon you will be, too. – Rappler.com

Shakira Andrea Sison is a Palanca Award-winning essayist. She currently works in finance and spends her non-working hours celebrating the Pride Month of June in subway trains. She is a veterinarian by education and was managing a retail corporation in Manila before relocating to New York in 2002. Her column appears on Thursdays. Follow her on Twitter: @shakirasison and on Facebook.

iSpeak is Rappler’s platform for sharing ideas, sparking discussions, and taking action! Share your iSpeak articles with us: move.ph@rappler.com.

Tell us what you think about this iSpeak article in the comments section below.