MANILA, Philippines – A woman is most likely to be physically abused or hurt by someone she knows or someone she has – or has had – an intimate relationship with.

A man, in contrast, is generally most likely to experience violence from a stranger or acquaintance.

Intimate partner violence is a global phenomenon that cuts across class, race and religion. It occurs in same-sex relationships, among dating and married couples.

A study conducted by the World Health Organization (WHO) shows that among the female respondents who had ever been in an intimate relationship, as many as 61% experienced physical violence by a partner and 59% experienced sexual violence.

I was reminded of these statistics as I read the article about Davao City Police Director Vicente Danao caught on video allegedly verbally and physically abusing his wife.

The comments section in the article about Danao were peppered with remarks like:  “Ma’am might have provoked sir for the camera.”

Women’s rights group, Gabriela, called for Danao’s suspension and some form of disciplinary action, but Davao Mayor Rodrigo Duterte downplayed the incident and said he would rather look at Danao’s performance at work than this “domestic spat.”

(It is extremely ironic that Davao would file a resolution declaring a comedian as a persona non-grata for telling a bad joke, but would easily dismiss the need to sanction a police officer – someone who should be held to a higher standard – for bad behavior. Both incidents were directed at women. I need to better understand this moral code in Davao.) 

An invisible crime

Domestic violence is largely thought to be an invisible crime. It happens in the privacy of one’s home, behind closed doors; with everyone – from the help to extended family –  turning a blind eye. Neighbors and other community members will gossip but not intercede.

Even the term “domestic violence” is a misnomer; violence does not occur only among married or co-habiting couples. Violence can start during the dating or courtship period and as early as adolescence, prompting many people to ask why the woman would stay in such an abusive relationship when the usual factors of financial dependence, kids and the stigma of being separated have yet to come into play.

According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC), every year, 1 in 4 adolescents experience verbal, physical, emotional or sexual abuse in a dating relationship.

A list of common reasons why women stay in abusive relationships by the WHO include what one might expect: fear of retaliation; loss of economic support; concern for their children; lack of support from family and friends; stigma of divorce or separation.

Last on the list is “love and the hope that the partner will change” – a factor that is particular to the nature of intimate partner relationships. 

Safe dates: stopping violence even before it starts

From awareness programs to break the silence to passing legislation, there have been many theories and interventions put forward on ending intimate partner violence against women across the world.

Evaluations of the effectiveness of such programs are in their infancy stage but one school-based program on dating violence has caught the attention of the WHO and has been designated as a Model Program by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration.

Safe Dates is a school-based program designed to educate middle to high school students about positive dating relationships. The curriculum defines what constitutes a healthy and abusive dating relationship, discusses causes and consequences of dating violence and equips teens with skills to help themselves or their friends in abusive relationships.

The teaching and outreach methods include an enactment of a play entitled, “There’s No Excuse for Dating Abuse”, a school-wide poster making contest to engage students and a newsletter sent out to parents to help them recognize potential signs of dating abuse at home.

Evaluation of Safe Dates reported that there was 56% to 92% less physical, sexual violence experienced by those who underwent the program compared to those who did not participate in Safe Dates.

Most importantly, the program goes to the very heart of the issue when it comes to being young and in love: how adolescents come to think of certain abusive behavior as part of a relationship; how jealousy and possessiveness are perceived to be manifestations of love.

Safe Dates differentiates between controlling and caring, between manipulative and nurturing behavior. It discusses an often overlooked fact that not all forms of violence are outwardly violent and that some actually take on very subtle forms of subjugation masked as concern and overprotectiveness.

Maybe that’s why the program is effective.

If love is often a reason why women stay in abusive relationships, then may be it is time we changed the definition of love.

If we moved the definition and concept of love away from the romanticized melodramatic images of anguish and suffering—if we taught our young boys and girls early on that loves doe not have to hurt, they will be in a better place to stop abusive relationships even before they start. – Rappler.com

Ana P. Santos writes about sex and gender issues. Seriously. She is a regular contributor for Rappler apart for her DASH of SAS column, which is a spin off of her website, www.SexAndSensibilities.com (SAS). Follow her on Twitter at @iamAnaSantos.