#UnsentLetters: Never completely mine

Unsent  Letters is a newsletter curated by Shakira Sison featuring unspoken sentiments gathered from reader submissions. It features unsent letters to real and imagined lovers. Rappler publishes Unsent Letters every Saturday.

I found you in the most inconvenient time.

When we first met I found someone who is soft but strong, frail but fierce, humorous but respected. When we were only getting to know each other, I found that you were wounded and desperately trying to crawl away from the darkness you’ve been through. You needed me and I promised to keep you company until your heart healed.

After a while, I dragged you into my world. I opened up and let you break my walls. As it turned out, you were the woman of my dreams: beautiful, smart, independent, charming. You had big dreams and you promised to take me with you when you get there. You had your way with words and have perfected the language of love that every time you move your tongue, I fall even deeper and deeper under your spell. You never failed to fill my ears with the sweetest melodies and I sang along every time. You craved for love and I took you in with arms wide open.

In time I realized you hid something deep within you. Your mouth says “I love you, you’re the only one,” but your soul was distant. You were very good with secrets; you knew how to bury them invisible under your deception.

I remember in the beginning you told me more than once that you were not ready. You needed time to forget your past lover. I understood that she was the love of your life and that you could never love me half as much as you loved her. But I was persistent. I told myself that maybe if I pushed harder, you’ll come around and realize that she’s never coming back, that I can love and take care of you ten times as much as she did.
I was blind and naïve.

I listened well as you went on and on and on about how she broke your heart and mistreated you. Even in your rage, you said her name very delicately. Whenever we made love, your eyes stayed open, staring blankly into space, wishing it was her taste on your mouth. You were with me but you were never completely mine.

I kept my mouth shut, endured and kept playing your game.

How do you win a fight you’ve already lost? How do you kill a memory? How do you deal with a ghost from the past that continues to linger? How do you make a person move on?

You tell me I am the best you’ve ever had, your perfect lover. But these are half truths. I know you.

If one night she came to your doorstep begging to have you back, you would leave me at the very first sight of her. What’s worse is that you wouldn’t even take a moment to look back.

I hope you see that I am at the verge of giving up. How do you save someone who doesn’t want to be saved? – Rappler.com

Do you have your own Unsent Letter? Send them to unsentletters@rappler.com. Selected letters will be anonymized and edited for clarity and brevity. By submitting to Unsent Letters, you represent that the work is your own and that you waive your rights to it for present and future publication.