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#AskMargie: Betrayal (part 1)

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What makes a betrayal a betrayal?

MANILA, Philippines – What makes a betrayal a betrayal?

In light of the mutli-billion Priority Development Assistance Fund (PDAF) scam scandal, clinical psychologist Dr. Margie Holmes talks about betrayal and how it relates to alleged pork barrel scam queen Janet Lim Napoles and the elected officials involved.

Watch: 

Script below: 

Because of all we’re discovering about Napoles and the PDAF scandal, betrayal was on everyone’s mind. So, when I first announced this topic, I got a flurry of responses.

I asked: What makes a betrayal a betrayal? Here’s what you said:

Kuya Blue: Betrayal is defined as an act of deliberate disloyalty. Whether it’s Facebook or Twitter, kapag ang nakaraan mo, binuhay mo and you involve yourself, that’s dishonesty and betrayal for your partner. Saan ba nagsisimula ang relationship, di ba sa pakikipag usap then text text, Skype? Kaya nga maraming pamilya ang naghiwalay dahil sa paggamit ng FB. Some humans are weak when it comes to the flesh.

Maureen Jean Lara: Betrayal starts from the mind/heart. The act of actually betraying your partner is just the last straw. Betrayal starts when one starts to think of interacting with another with the purpose of something more than just a platonic relationship. That’s why I find it difficult to accept their reason that it “just happened.” Nothing happens when you didn’t do anything to begin with.

Joy Serrano: Betrayal always has something to do with guilt. The moment you feel guilty about conversing with an ex, nandun yung betrayal. Naramdaman mo nang may mali kang ginagawa e.

Bill Colborn asked: Does a betrayal have to be as big as a partner having an affair with another or simply having conversations with a former sweetheart just found on social media?

Many of you were kind enough to answer him:

Ella Kintanar: Emotional adultery is harder to take than physical adultery. Sex is just sex, but to get emotionally involved with an ex-flame, or even a new person is a far more serious offense.

Bert Quibuyen: A betrayal is a betrayal, whether big or small, a betrayal nonetheless. Remember Bill Clinton? He claimed there was no sex between him and Monica Lewinsky. Making out, fellatio, cunnilingus, they’re all sex as far as I’m concerned. Sex is not just actual intercourse.

Sherilyn Siy: My husband still talks to his old girlfriends and it doesn’t bother me one bit. He tells me about it all the time. I don’t feel threatened at all, nor do I feel like, oh, he’s going to hook up with them again. I guess he makes me feel secure with his honesty. I don’t feel “betrayed” when he talks to his exes.

To which Bert replies: Sherilyn, I like your confidence and feeling of security but did you know that exes are an easy way to get laid? Since both parties already know each other and are familiar with each other intimately, having casual sex is quite easy and convenient. That is, if the separation is amicable.

And Sherilyn replies: Bert, I talk to my exes too! I guess it’s just the kind of relationship that I have with my husband. We don’t mind this. Every time he talks to his exes, he shares that he feels grateful that he’s dodged a bullet – his exes lead very messy lives.

Finally, Aida Santos defines betrayal as: Napoles. Legislators. Bureaucrats.

Anonymous asks this question: When my partner and I broke up, I brought up a name of a girl who was the reason why we broke up the first time. After 6 months siya ulit yung reason although ayaw niya aminin. Tapos bigla na lang siya nagalit at hindi na ako kinausap. Does that mean guilty siya? What’s even worse is that he will get angry at you even if he’s the one at fault.

MOI: Not necessarily, although there ARE some people na inuunahan ka, what psychologists call projection – a defense mechanism where one accuses, suspects others of doing/planning something only because what you yourself are.

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