#AskMargie: Fetishes part 2

MANILA, Philippines – This week on #AskMargie, Dr. Margie Holmes follows up on the discussion on fetishes.

I have gotten a lot of reactions from our topic about fetishes, so we’re doing a part 2, focusing mainly on your personal experiences with fetishes.
For example, several of our viewers admitted to having fetishes but were unsure about what that meant.

One anonymous viewer asks: Anonymous: Meron din bang ibang guys na ang fetish ay mag-sniff ng panties ng babae?

You’re not alone Anony. Another viewer (anonymous 2) says: Anonymous 2: My fetish is sniffing used undies. I dunno why but I get a hard-on when I sniff my girlfriend’s undies. Is it considered as an abnormality?

ANSWERS Una, Anonymous 1 definitely hindi ka nag-iisa, hindi lang si Anonymous 2 ang may fetish katulad ng iyo, pero marami pang iba. I-research mo lang sa google.

Ikalawa: Is it an abnormality? If you remember what we said in our episode on Fetishes sometime late July, A fetish is something which, to others, may seem “strangely sexual” or “sexually strange.” In the sense of statistical frequency, yes, it is an abnormality, but only in the sense that few people get turned on by what you get turned on by. But that can also be good, diba? Less competition.

Anony 2, you also asked: ”Can I do something about it?” You could try to, and I daresay you might succeed, but why bother? Because, frankly, if I were your girlfriend, I would be thrilled if my used underwear turned you on.

In my opinion, the critical point is: How do you—and your girlfriend–feel about it?

Let’s move on to a different kind of fetish. Anony 3 says: Anonymous 3: Sana marami mag-share about fetishes. I want to hear more about foot fetish. Mayroon kasi ako nito.

ANSWER At hindi ka rin nagiisa, Anony 3. In fact, as foot fetishes are considered THE most common fetish related to the body, I feel entitled to spend some time talking about it ☺. This conclusion re its popularity is not just mere opinion – which I am always clear naman on #AskMargie, diba? Indices to determine a fetish’s popularity are based on: (a) the number of discussion groups devoted to a particular fetish (b) the number of individuals participating in the groups; and (c) the number of messages exchanged. Even here on #AskMargie, the greatest number of PMs I got for this episode were about foot fetishes.

One gay male viewer shares his experience.

He says: Anonymous: Feet is my favorite fetish. Ang sexy sexy kasi ng isang lalaki na maganda at malinis ang paa. Before I look at the face, feet talaga una ko tinitingnan. Maybe it was drawn to my belief that the feet has to say with the size of the package. The bigger feet the more it’s titillating. Yummy feet mean yummy guy.

And here’s a female viewer—let’s call her anony 5—who shares her friend’s fascination with guys who have foot fetishes.

She says: Anonymous: One single woman I know even joked that she’d love to meet a foot fetishist. At this point in her life, a good foot massage sounded better than sex. Perhaps the greatest goal for couples dealing with a partner who has a fetish is to decide how that fetish fits into their relationship.”

ANSWER: Thank you, anony 4, and your friend has such an open, mature way of looking at fetishes. So maybe we should warn her that foot fetishists are all sorts. Some love the shape and size of the toes, for example: long toes, chubby, stump-like toes, polished toenails, etc. some adore jewelry and hopefully give some to their girlfriends ☺ others, odor, and still others, sensory interaction (e.g., smelling the foot, licking, kissing, tickling, etc.). And then, the kind of foot fetishist your gf dreams about: the kind who love treatments such as pedicures or massages)–

Let’s move to another type of fetish: peeing on one’s partner.

Anonymous 5 says: Dra, have you heard of golden rain? I love doing that to my girlfriends, but after two or three times of their experiencing this, my girlfriends break up with me.

Anonymous 6 has a similar fetish. He says: Anonymous 6: Please explain urolagnia. My wife accused me of having this but she knew all about what turned me on before we got married so why has she changed?

ANSWERS: Anonies 5 and 6, I’m not really sure about what happened to your girlfriends and wife, but my guess is that they really weren’t into getting peed on. Some girls are—it’s nice and warm, if the pee-er drinks enough water so his pee is a light color which means it is less salty and less pungent, it might even be called refreshing, esp on a warm day, BUT to all your partners, Anony 5 and Anony 6, the cons outweighed the cons. And for that, I am sorry. Sorry that it didn’t work out for you where these particular partners were concerned, and sorry it didn’t work out for your partners.

BUT the good news is,….you All can find partners for whom it will work out. And chances are you will, and hopefully, they will all be what one of my favorite columnists, Dan Savage, describes as: “GGG good, giving and game; …willing to stretch their definition of the taboo and incorporate their partner’s fetish into their sex-play.

Let’s now move on to 3 more “complicated” private messages I got for the episode:

James asks if wanting to have sex with an older partner could be considered a fetish.

He says: James: Is wanting to have sex with a 40 to 50 year old woman a fetish? I find them more interesting in bed than those of my age bracket. What’s more weird is because I’m even more turned on by those who are ugly than the beautiful ones. Weird isn’t it? I imagine how much satisfaction I can give them during sex, parang it’s a dream come true for them as we all know ugly gets little sexual attraction than beautiful ones, at least for me. Is there something wrong with me?

MOI: On the contrary, something might be very right for you….esp for ugly 40-50 year old women…though it might not be a good idea not be a good idea to tell them why they turn you on.

But seriously, the only thing I would ask myself is …Is this desire to sleep with such women really a fetish merely and really or an ego booster for you, “disguised” as a fetish to make you feel better?

Also,…before you get married, maybe ask yourself what your real criteria for sexual arousal is: If you have no plans to marry a “not so beautiful” 50 year old, it might be a good idea to also make sure you get turned on by your future wife…

The last two PMs I wish to share are both from women. The first is one is from Wintermelon:

Wintermelon: Hi Dra. Margie! I’m a plus sized Filipina. I weigh 250 lbs and stand at 5’0. Dito sa Pinas sobrang humiliated ako kasi ang taba taba ko. Walang nakikipag date sakin. Ang pangit pangit ko. Sobrang walang self esteem. Pero nung may nakilala akong foreigner, ang saya kasi tanggap niya ko. He likes how plump I am. Hirap kasi ako mag lose ng weight doc. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). But it’s really weird kasi he wants to feed me more, he wants me to reach 500lbs. He likes feeding me. Sobrang na-a-arouse siya. Kahit ayaw ko na, gusto niya pa rin ako pakainin. It’s my first time encountering this kind of fetish. Sinasabi ko kasi na it’s bad for my health if I grow bigger and baka di na kayanin ng paa ko lumakad. Pero ok lang po kay guy. Gusto niya talaga ng sobrang laki na tipong immobile na. I don’t know how to deal with this parang feeling ko I’m in a life and death situation. Haha! Pero ganun talaga yung feeling. Parang masyadong selfish. I love him but the feeding fetish is wrong. How should I deal with this? Thanks doc! Idol ko kayo.

ANSWER: Thanks too, Wintermelon at kitakits tayo mamaya gaya ng sabi natin, ok? At salamat na binigyan mo ako ng permiso banggitin ang sulat mo at magbigay ng paliwanag and here it is:Wintermelon’s letter is similar to many letters from other women when it comes to fetishes. Not their own, but a plea to help them understand their partners’ fetishes…

But let’s end on a happy note: here is a letter from a woman who, unlike other women who have problems dealing with their partner’s fetishes, has a fetish of her own…

Anonymous:

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer:

I need your help understanding the situation I am in. I am a 40-year old woman, separated, with two young daughters. I have always thought of myself as liberal and open-minded. I am equally attracted to men and women (I don’t do labels like lesbian, gay, bi) and in fact my first relationships back in high school were with girls (who were, for the lack of a better term, butch).

Anyway, I have been separated for about 7 years now. Last year, I got introduced to “boys’ love – BL” or “yaoi” as it’s called and reading yaoi manga has become some sort of an addiction in the sense that over the past six months, not a day passes by without me spending hours reading BL manga.

This, in a way, has turned me off heterosexual sex and was contributory to the deterioration of my marriage. Now, the predicament I am in is that I find BL/yaoi so much more fascinating and I find that I shy away from sex between men x women and women x women.

I get turned on more about men x men. I know there is something wrong here but I don’t really have anybody whom I can talk to to sort this out. Please, please help me. Thanks in advance, and best regards.

Curious about how Wintermelon’s and XXX’s situations pan out? Two Pronged at Rappler.com will be answering these letters very soon.

Abangan! (and forgive me if it sounds like I’m advertising here)

– Rappler.com

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