[Two Pronged] Help! I’ve got an excessive sex drive

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: “Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality” and “Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.”
 

Dear Dr Holmes and Jeremy:

I will be in the Philippines and was wondering if I could consult with you both. My sexual urge is too much. I am a Filipino by birth but an American citizen who works as an aircraft mechanic in San Francisco.

I’m not ugly and I still have what it takes for women to like me, even if I’m already 40. I look young for my age.

Why is it then that at my age, so many more women like me? My imagination goes on overdrive and masturbating 3 times a day is nothing—sometimes not enough. Is that normal?

Even if my sex drive is too much, I don’t want to sleep around, even if many women show their interest. In fact, a few even cry (you know how sentimental Filipinas can be). But I am afraid I might get a sexually transmitted disease and so I content myself with masturbation.  

We take an AIDS test once a year and I would be so ashamed if I got AIDS just because of my lack of control.  But my imagination always runs wild.

I also have some bolitas that make the girls go wild, but still I refrain because I am worried about getting sick.

I hope you can help me decrease my sex drive because my “general” gets angry very quickly. Girls notice—even those I don’t know—because my package makes itself known when I’m excited. That’s because my penis is fat and larger than the ordinary Filipino’s.

Please tell me, Doc and Jeremy, if my urge is normal. I just want to know if it’s natural for my general to be “always ready to fight” even if I’m already old.

Why is my sex urge much stronger now than when I was a young man? It’s become much, much worse since then.

By the way, even if I work as a mechanic, I also work as a DJ at night. I don’t need the money really, since mechanics in the States earn more than engineers in the Philippines. — George

***

Dear George

Readers will doubtless be fascinated by your letter which, considering the problems which you think you face, contains a self-serving mixture of relevant and irrelevant details designed principally to show you in the best possible light.

You cite the following problems: excessive sex drive, masturbation 3 times a day or more, fear of STDs and thus a reluctance to have sex, a hyperactive “general.” Now I readily concede that these can indeed be problematic but before addressing them, let’s look at the additional information that you considered important enough to share with us.

You are an American citizen, so many women like you, you have bolitas which drive the girls wild, girls notice your package when you get excited, your penis is abnormally large by Filipino standards, you are an aircraft mechanic but also work as a DJ even though you don’t need the money, you earn more than a Filipino engineer. 

Bearing in mind your stated problems, I have some difficulty understanding the relevance of your passport details, the size of your penis or your financial status. I can understand how girls will notice your package when you get excited but I can also share with you that you are no different in this regard from millions of other men. It is inconvenient sometimes but survivable. As for your bolitas, they seem to be entirely superfluous since you content yourself with masturbation, according to you.

Reverting to your problems, firstly you seem to think you are old. Sexually, however, 40 is not old at all and there is no reason to think that your sex drive should be diminishing at this juncture of your life. In fact, if you had a steady girlfriend or wife, I am sure she would be delighted with the strength of your urges and the desire of your general to fight endless battles.

The problem lies elsewhere, namely, your depersonalization of women and your deep-seated fear of STDs. You do not seem to accept that there are women with whom you could have a normal relationship who would not give you an STD. Whether this is based on your own past experience or not, you do not say. Dr. Holmes may however shed some light on this.

Finally, permit me, a former banker, an aside regarding your comment about the salaries of a US-based aircraft mechanic and a Philippines based engineer. Spending power, not crude salary numbers, is what counts. When you factor in such things as taxes, cost of housing, insurance (medical, house, car, personal liability) etc, the picture can be very different.

In addition, don’t forget that life means more than just money, though money can certainly help. The Philippines, after all, always figures very high in happiness measurements: the New Economics Foundation’s 2012 Happy Planet Index placed the Philippines in 25th position and the USA in 105th. I have to confess however that the index did not take penis size into account! 

All the best. — Jeremy

***

 

Dear George:

Thank you very much for your letter. Since Jeremy has answered your questions and given you some admittedly unsolicited opinions, there isn’t really very much more I can add about your life as you currently see it. Jeremy answered your concerns about your sex life, in all likelihood disappointing you that it is par for the course.

But wait! There is more to come.

Jeremy also shared what he feels are your real issues: “your depersonalization of women and your deep-seated fear of STD.” I agree with him, but what really matters is what you think.

What he and, I hope I will do, is reframe your situation to help you realize that the presenting problem in the letter you wrote to us is actually part of a larger reality.

A presenting problem is the ostensible reason you go for therapy (or even write us here at Two Pronged). It is not necessarily the crisis you feel you need help with, but merely a symptom of the real difficulties you experience.

Here’s an example: A woman comes in for therapy because her husband refuses to fire his secretary. She is alternately angry at his stubbornness (he can train someone else; she’s not that special) and tearful that he won’t do this for her (is she more important than me? What’s really going on?).

What becomes apparent is that this is not the first time she’s requested her husband to do this, claiming the secretary has designs on him. Her husband, tired of her demands due to her insecurity, has finally put his foot down. Where to go from here?

Merely help her find ways to convince her husband to fire his secretary or even find ways to accept his decision not to? This is what a life coach might attempt, and more power to them both if that is all the client wants.

A therapist worth his or her salt would encourage the wife to look into herself more, provide the safety to explore what her contribution to all her unhappiness has been, and give her the courage to try and change.

I so hope Jeremy’s answer to your presenting problem is helpful…especially in encouraging you to delve more deeply into what makes you tick. Because to our mind, the real problem has less to do with the intensity, and more to do with the object of your desires. Currently, that seems to be no one.

In and of itself, a person’s not having anyone sexy enough to sleep with is not a problem. The person may be resting between relationships, saving himself for marriage, real love, satisfactory erotic relationship, be asexual etc.

Should you feel you have no problem, no worries…except perhaps the possibility of your grousing since we didn’t take your high sex drive seriously enough. However, if any of what we said resonates with you, asking yourself the following questions might be a start:

How long have I had this fear of STDs? Has it stopped me from having erotic physical relationships my whole life? If it has, what in my childhood and adolescent years might have contributed to this? If I have engaged in petting and even sex before, what changed?

Ingat talaga, George, and I so hope things work out well for you. — Margie

– Rappler.com