[DETOURS] From an obedient Catholic girl to living life as an agnostic

Editor’s note: Like many Filipino children, Lot Ramirez was raised as a Catholic. But as she learned more and more about the world, she has decided to embrace everything that it offers – even the uncertainties. Get to know her story. You, too, can share your life’s greatest detours. Here’s how.

I spent my childhood under the clout of a Catholic church in Masbate, one of the biggest island provinces in the Philippines. Time passed and my adult self is no longer sheltered in the prejudices of my past. The image I had of myself and of the world expanded only after I left the confines of my quiet yet unchallenging suburban life in the Philippines. And yet, now I know that I still know so little. The maturity we get as we grow older allows us to acknowledge the thoughts which, otherwise, we would have been hesitant to explore in the past. 

I remember that day from when I stood, looking back at my room in my island province, reluctant to walk away from the house I grew up in – to that moment when I was on top of a mountain in Santorini, astounded by the grandiosity of what was in front of me. It reminded me of my imagined self-importance and unnecessary anxieties over things that are out of my control. I stood there thinking: How strangely special is our blue planet and its strategic position in space. Life is mysteriously beautiful. 

Even before the coronavirus changed the landscape for all of us, I was exploring Buddhism and Taoism as personal guides in my own life. There is no idea of God in Buddhism while Taoism sees God as something that is static and yet dynamic, devoid of emotions, and dependent on the laws of nature. The pandemic, and the sudden free time I had because of the lockdown, made me again speculate the real purpose of why and how we all came to this point. I willfully cast them off my mind before it gives way to the ever-present influences of the people around me, but traveling the world only made me receptive to other perspectives and these same principles now form a part of my growth as a person. 

How fleeting everything is. I imagined how it was like to die especially when I started suffering from mild symptoms during the second week of the lockdown. My breath became shallow and I perspired profusely during the day. I waited and hoped that a fever doesn’t come. It didn’t, yet the number of covid-19 fatalities kept increasing. Then I saw that many of my relatives and friends on social media called for prayer. Many have said that this is God’s way of punishing us for continuing to live in sin. We would only be redeemed from death if we believed in Him. And just before I finished this piece, I encountered a poll in Yahoo about whether COVID-19 is an act of God of which 33% voted YES.

So I asked myself, is it necessary to believe in God to be safe, or to live well? How many Buddhists, Taoists, and atheists are living life well without having to believe in a big brother up above who keeps a watchful eye on us? There are many.  The idea that there is a New Testament all-loving and all-forgiving God gives solace, but to be certain of his existence or nonexistence is extreme. So I would rather accept life as it is than continue to cling and seek refuge in illusions.

One fine day, it will be my time to die. And the world and the lives of even those closest to me will continue. Whether or not there is an afterlife is something I will ultimately find out or not. It’s not that I am incapable of appreciating the subtleties of life. In fact, I am deeply humbled by the idea that I am made of matter (60–70% water) and one day will turn into dust. And I hope to use my time wisely to be able to truly connect with what’s important and true. Listening to music, looking at my loved ones’ eyes, gazing at the stars and the moon at night, or taking an extreme delight in a beautiful sunset is my kind of “spiritual awakening.”

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In this era of modern technology, it’s only becoming more impractical to deny that creation unfolds to the laws of nature. This covid-19 pandemic is most probably an act of nature and not of a displeased God. After all, our environment selects the survival only of those who are fit to adapt to our constantly changing world. Our existence in the history of the whole universe is ripe and young. We only inhabited the earth after the dinosaurs have been wiped out in a distant past of more than 65 million years.

I write this not to denounce long-standing religions. Experiencing other cultures and meeting people from all walks of life has only made me appreciate all of them. To me, religion plays an important role in the survival of our species. They help us understand the phenomenon that our minds can’t comprehend. To cling to a supreme and divine being who cares for us is something that continues to validate our trivialities and makes the universe’s immense darkness a little bit more bearable.

But for the purpose of stirring up our paradigms, I will end with a quote from Christopher Hitchens which says: “Science will not get you into the kingdom but it will get you to the moon which, by the way, exists.” So allow me to say that it has been a privilege to share this life, this era with all of you. This might be our only chance. There may be no reunion in heaven; the heaven or hell that surely we will ever know is now. – Rappler.com

Lot Ramirez is a multilingual who likes to experience the world through travel, writing, reading, taking pictures or videos, and asking questions. An existentialist by default, she maintains an open mind and heart for possibilities.