[DETOURS] Leaving a toxic marriage and never looking back

Editor’s note: Our social media feeds are filled with the sweetest engagement announcements and beautiful weddings, but for some, what comes after isn’t always as pretty. That’s what happened to B. Lily Joaquin. Get to know her story. You, too, can share your life’s greatest detours. Here’s how.             

I used to think I had it all figured out.  All I wanted after graduating from college was to find a stable job, get married, have kids, and all the usual cookie-cutter things that people were taught to aspire for.  Being somewhat raised as semi-sheltered, I thought that my life, or at least, my marriage would be a peaceful, simple one where the most boring couple or parenting things will just occupy my time. Prepare breakfast, go to work, bring children to school, and all the usual things that normal people do every single day.  

I couldn’t have imagined that I would go through the toughest, soul-wrenching, draining experience while trapped in a marriage that I thought would last forever.

It all started as the infatuated type of relationship when we were both young, full of hope, planned things together, believing that as long as we stayed together that all problems would be solved just like that. After being together for some time, we ended up getting married.    

Not long after the wedding, the little problems just became bigger. He lost his high-paying job because he fought with his boss, his drinking got worse, and even after finding one job after another, he always seemed to get into fights in the office while blaming politics. At first, I thought, maybe it wasn’t his fault, but after the same things happened more than twice already, it started to send warning signals to my brain.  

His drinking continued to get worse, he didn’t seem to have a plan or at least a long-term goal, and I really couldn’t see how we could raise a family together. So, having children got delayed, but eventually, we had a child after several years. This ended up with more fights – he would not allow me to attend family gatherings, would always be suspicious of my officemates, became paranoid, drank more, and would even get mad if I refused to drink with him.  

It started with emotional and verbal abuse that was subtle yet should have been a red flag. All this started as small things. Yelling about why the dinner was this and that, messing up the room whenever he was drunk, breaking appliances whenever he felt like it or screaming while the baby was asleep. 

Trying to cover up for his actions did not make the problems go away either. Threats happened frequently which I tried to ignore, but they really frightened me.  By the time the physical abuse happened, I finally had the courage to end it, filed for a protection order, and never looked back.  

Deep inside, I knew no one deserved to be treated like this and I was prepared to move on, rather than suffer the abuse again. 

The first few months were draining – mentally and emotionally. It just seemed hopeless and endless but I was determined to be strong for my child and get my act together. No way was I going to let a failed marriage stop me from getting back on track. 

My son gave me the courage to go on. It’s hard to admit that your marriage has ended, given the stigma that single parents go through. People easily judge you like there’s something wrong with you, even without knowing the whole story. I just shoved all those away, knowing in my heart that it was a decision that made me a better person. Learning how to walk away from a toxic relationship is sometimes the hardest thing to do.        

Once the decision was made, I never looked back. I was prepared to raise my child alone – even with all the threats, insults, stalking, and harassment that we had to endure for months.  He would constantly make a scene, that I had to call security several times in our village. I just did what I had to do to make ends meet. It was really difficult, but prayers did help; family and close friends always lent a hand and an ear.  Somehow, being in such depressing turmoil these past years allowed me to appreciate the peace and calmness that came with being able to finally let go. 

The support and understanding that I received helped make each day bearable. At present, I have to work doubly hard to provide for my child. But I’m thankful that my career also blessed me with opportunities for self-development, which allowed me to become a better person not just at work, but in my personal life as well. I’m able to focus on my son and all the lessons I have learned made me a better individual, and in turn, a better parent. 

Indeed, there’s always a chance to begin again. – Rappler.com