Dealing with ‘parent-judging’

Krista Garcia

This is AI generated summarization, which may have errors. For context, always refer to the full article.

Dealing with ‘parent-judging’
It’s human to make assumptions on other parents based on how we see them act. Parent-judging is harmful not just for the adults, but for the children too

MANILA, Philippines – In a recent Twitter conversation, we asked netizens to weigh in on the topic of “parent-judging.”

The conversation, which was conducted in partnership with Tang Philippines, generated over 207 million impressions and provided some insight on how Filipinos respond to criticism on their circumstances or parenting styles.

Parents, especially mothers, clearly felt strongly about this issue. Among those who spoke up about being judged are single parents, and those who juggle work with family time.

 

You may have experienced being judged by others – by your relatives, peers, or even strangers in public places. Or you may have judged another parent who seems irresponsible or careless.

It’s human to make assumptions on other parents based on what we see outside of the home. But this practice must be stopped. Parent-judging is harmful not just to adults, but to the children as well.

The social media village

According to Maribel Dionisio, a family and relationship consultant, parent-judging is “commenting, criticizing, blaming, or putting down another parent.”

Most people do it unconsciously, with the intent of being helpful, “but the recipient may see it as negative or discouraging,” Maribel said.

These days, parent-judging doesn’t just happen face-to-face. They say it takes a village to raise a child, and these days, that village has expanded to our virtual communities.

Marilen Montenegro and Rica Peralejo-Bonifacio are no strangers to parent-judging. At the launch of their new show, Mommy Manual (which they co-host with Cheska Garcia-Kramer), they shared that they have experienced criticism when they post about their family online.

“It’s inescapable, especially when you’re living in the age of social media when everybody is trying to be an expert, even without meaning to,” Rica said. “But I know that a lot of these comments are actually well-meaning.”

MODERN MAMA. For Marilen Fausto-Montenegro, the Internet was a vital tool for learning and guidance – as well as peer pressure

The Internet is a powerful parenting tool if it’s used for empowerment instead of criticism. “It’s really difficult to be a first-time mom. [You hear about] many different guidelines,” Marilen shared.  “I would research in the Internet a lot. And after I research, I form my own convictions and I’d stick to that.” 

Why parents judge other parents

According to Maribel, some instances of parent-judging may be rooted on mere differences in parenting styles. Some parents believe in an authoritative, strict approach. Other are more democratic, and treat their children as equals at home. “Some may want to impose their beliefs about parenting on others,” she said.

Maribel said that some parents are also more prone to brag about their children and make negative remarks about other parents, because they want to feel better about themselves. “There are many parents who have low self-worth. Their main preoccupation or source of joy is their children,” Maribel explained. 

What some may not realize is that the consequences of parent-judging trickle down to the children themselves. “If the child hears about the comment, it could have also a negative effect [on him],” Maribel said. “A lot of parenting is modeling. Your child is going to imitate you.”

How to respond

If you’re a parent and you encounter a “judger” on the street or online, the best thing to do is to keep calm.

“You could say, ‘really? Let me think about that,’” Maribel advised. Acknowledge the comment, thank them, and move on.

Maribel added that both the mom and dad should be emotionally mature so they could affirm and encourage each other. Taking counseling classes could help.

BUILD A STRONG SUPPORT GROUP. Rica said that having good mentors can help parents feel more confident about themselves

“For me, I find it effective to have other couples as our mentors, to have a set of people whom you can ask for anything under the sun especially when it comes to your children,” Rica said. “It lessens the pressure to listen to other voices because you know in your heart that you have amazing people who will actually tell you if you are doing the right or wrong thing for your children.”

Parenting begins at home

The best way to fight parent-judging is to understand and accept that every parent’s approach to parenting is unique. 

More than worrying what other people may think, parents must develop a strong relationship with their children at home.

“Spend regular time with your children,” said Maribel. Young children respond positively to attention, so take time to them feel special. “If they feel loved and cared for, there’s a very low chance that they will misbehave,” she added.

PARENTING BEGINS AT HOME. Maribel said that constant communication is the key to maintaining a strong relationship with kids   

Maintain constant communication with your child. When a child is comfortable with expressing himself, he will be more open to listen to advice and follow rules. “I really take time to talk or to explain why I want them to obey, what will happen if they don’t obey. I don’t believe in just getting mad on the child and saying ‘no.’ They have to understand why,” Marilen said.

Rica’s advice to other parents is to learn to relax. “They say that moms know best. But at the same time, every mom should know that she is not enough. I can instill a lot and that’s my job to secure it. But I can also trust God more than myself, that in His wisdom, he has a plan for my child,” she said.

According to Maribel, reinforcing positive parenting at home can also inspire other parents to do the same. Instead of responding negatively to criticism, parents must learn to encourage and inspire other parents.

“Parent-judging is very unhealthy both for the parent receiving it and the parent giving it. We should stop because children will imitate that. There’s a vicious negative cycle there. We should move towards the ‘parent mutual admiration society.’ Focus on the positive,” Maribel concluded. – Rappler.com

Add a comment

Sort by

There are no comments yet. Add your comment to start the conversation.

Summarize this article with AI

How does this make you feel?

Loading
Download the Rappler App!