If I were a Mother
HONG KONG - If I were a mother, I couldn’t even begin to dream of doing the things that you do for the good of the kids and the family.
While you selflessly endured the physical torment of bringing children into the world, I would probably have fainted from all the pain and blood…and yet still have the presence of mind to hit on the nurse.
While you would diligently help our children with homework even after a tiring day at work, I would stick them in front of the TV to watch “The Amazing Race” so they could learn geography.
While you would remember our children’s birthdays way in advance so you would have enough time to choose a great gift, I would have to come up with a lame excuse on the day itself like “But everyday is your birthday!” while handing over an 8-month-old, half-eaten box of chocolate that was sitting at the back of the fridge.
While you would ensure healthy dinners are cooked and ready daily, I would order in for pizza and Razon’s halo-halo every single night.
While you would insist that the kids spend limited time on the computer, I would join them while watching endless YouTube play lists of Mr. Bean video and teach them every trick their old man knows about League of Legends and NBA 2K13.
While you would teach the kids to use “please” and “thank you” regularly, I would teach them to say “now na!” in a very Kris Aquino-esque manner whenever they want something, just for the heck of it.
While you would teach the kids to say “excuse me” after they fart, I would teach them how to count down from 10 to one and shout out “blast off!” before they fart.
While you would engage the kids in serious conversation and try to answer any of their questions as truthfully and completely as possible, I only have one answer to any type of question whatsoever: “Ask Mom.”
While you wouldn’t have any qualms about saying “I love you” to the kids at any given time, I would feel extremely awkward about doing so. I would hem and haw while thinking of ways to get out of the situation before finally answering, “Right. You must want something. Ask Mom.” which in Daddy language would mean the same thing, really.
While you would join the kids in the playground every afternoon for some outdoor games and familial bonding, I would keep them in bed to play the game called “Rest” – the first one who falls asleep wins.
While you would patiently read bedtime stories to them, I would read them the day’s news about the NBA playoffs. That’s like hitting two birds with one stone. Efficiency is the name of the game, you know.
While you would engage in intellectually stimulating games that involve letters, shapes, and numbers, I would stick to juvenile games and practical jokes that involve over-the-top physicality and sounds emitted from any of the body’s orifices.
Yes, given all that and then some, I would obviously make a terrible mother, which is probably why you are the Mom and I am not.
I know that this is a clunky, awkward attempt at doing so, but in a somewhat circuitous fashion, all I really wanted to say is that I really appreciate everything that you do for the family.
Without you, I don’t think anything positive would come of us. I’m sure the kids will share my sentiments as well. So Happy Mother’s Day!
If you will trust me enough to do so, leave the kids to me and we will stay out of your hair, for today at least. You deserve a break! I will try my best not to break anyone’s arm or anything like that.
And one more thing…before I forget…I just wanted to say…well, you know…uhhhmm…aaaaahhhh…I know I’m mumbling and rambling here, but…the thing is…I mean, what I really wanted to tell you is…well…uhhmm… “Right. You must want something. Ask Mom.”
This is 'A Mother’s Love' by Jim Brickman. Happy Mother’s Day to all!
Happy Mother's Day to all moms! How are you celebrating the day with YOUR mom? Tweet us your pic @rapplerdotcom, use the hash tag #loveyoumom.
There is the helicopter parent, the negligent parent, and then there’s Michael Gohu Yu. A doting father one minute who transforms into Homer Simpson the next, his writing on parenting reflects themes ranging from the humorous to the heartwarming. Whichever the case, though, he always aims to entertain parents of all ages.