[Two Pronged] Caught in the act

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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A teenager catches her parents having sex

TOUCHY SUBJECT. How to explain sex to your child after he or she catches you in the act?

Dr Margarita Holmes and Jeremy BaerRappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he enrolled in and subsequently gave workshops in work-life balance and gender sensitivity training. He has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and occasionally as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Dr Holmes needs no further introduction.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer: 

Good day and I hope all is well with you and your family.

My wife and I need your quick advise. Last night, our 14-year-old daughter caught us having sex inside our room. Her room is just beside our room. It was a normal husband/wife sex/love making but we forgot to lock the door.

She is our only kid and the second one died due to a miscarriage (when our daughter was 3 years old). Until now we are praying and trying to have another one. I am 44 and my wife is 39 years old.

She opened the door and saw mommy on top of me. I think when the door suddenly opened with our daughter, wifey immediately laid down as if nothing happened and I was the one who asked her to close the door.

We are planning to discuss this with her and the approach is more of love making (showing love to wifey) and trying to have another child. In relation to this, we would appreciate if you can suggest a better approach on how to discuss this with our teener.

Thank you for your immediate response. – Neil

***

Dear Neil,

Thank you for your email. Yours is not an unusual predicament and the approach you are considering seems both sensitive and sensible, exactly what one would expect of a couple as sexually broad-minded as you both seem to be, at least at first sight.

After all, characterizing the female superior position as “normal husband/wife sex/love making” is not something everyone would agree with. For plenty of couples, missionary is the only position and the secrets of the Kama Sutra are either unknown or considered forbidden fruit. 

However, your broadmindedness does not appear to have extended beyond your own bedroom.  From your letter, it seems that sex education has not been a priority, perhaps because you preferred the joys of sex, perhaps because you were reluctant to face the potential challenges of such a highly-charged topic.

The current controversy over the RH Bill which, lo and behold, although it has been passed, is still not being implemented due to the “dark forces” is just one of many examples close to home. Indeed, your case is a classic illustration of the wrongheadedness of those who insist that sex education is a matter solely for parents. Here you are, two liberally minded adults, yet you still have not broached the subject even though your daughter is already 14, possibly well past her menarche and more than old enough to have had children.

You say that you are planning to base your talk with your daughter initially on “love making (showing love to wifey) and trying to have another child.” While these are worthy considerations, perhaps you should also be prepared for a rather different discussion.

While of course you haven’t told us anything about your daughter, it is highly unlikely that she has remained ignorant about sex just because you haven’t talked to her about it. She may act the innocent at home but in reality be rather more informed than you think. After all, we live in a world in which advertisements abound with sexual images. Television and magazines consider it mandatory to allude to sex to improve ratings or circulation and, of course, her peers will have had plenty to tell her about it. Indeed, she may have even indulged in some of the preliminaries herself.

So be prepared for a more wide-ranging discussion.

Stressing the connection between making love and showing love is a good start but since by no means all people agree that sex should take place solely within this context, you may have to address issues such as casual sex, sex as a commodity or bargaining tool, sex as a profession, etc.

Remember one of the many jokes attributed to Winston Churchill:

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for 5 million pounds? 

Socialite: My goodness, Mr. Churchill… Well, I suppose… we would have to discuss terms, of course… 

Churchill: Would you sleep with me for 5 pounds? 

Socialite: Mr. Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?! 

Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price. 

As for your second intended line of approach, trying to have a child, you may find this an unexpectedly perilous path.

First, it is improbable that your daughter will be unaware of the connection between sex and conception. 

Second, despite what a motley collection of old celibate men–wearing what look remarkably like women’s clothes or costumes left over from a cheap reenactment of an Imperial Roman epic–may trumpet from their Italian palaces, the vast majority of mankind simply does not believe that the sexual act and the possibility of procreation have to coexist each and every time. Who knows, your daughter may even be part of this majority so this line will lead to a potentially interesting religious discussion.

Last but not least, do not forget that this is not a truly voluntary act on your part, but rather something forced on you by the circumstance of having been discovered in flagrante.

You have therefore lost any moral high ground, you are not being proactive but merely reactive, and there is an elephant in the room (an important and obvious topic, which everyone present is aware of, but which isn’t discussed, as such discussion is considered to be uncomfortable), namely why you never broached this subject with her earlier.

So be prepared not only to discuss your agenda but also hers and the best of luck. – Jeremy 

P.S. My wife disagrees with some of my statements (why am I not surprised? – joke only)  as you will see from her answer below.

***

Dear Neil,

Thank you very much for your letter. 

While I initially took issue with Jeremy’s response above, I realized I was wrong. I do agree with him and as numerous methodologically-sound (as opposed to biased) studies done on sex education and the clinical experience of many pediatricians and child psychiatrists come to similar conclusions, his statements are accurate. 

I guess I disagree with him more about the manner in which he told you all he did. I told him that telling your 14-year-old daughter about sex was an entirely new topic to you. That is the reason you asked us for help.

For him to immediately attack you for the “lateness” of your (finally) educating your child is not a good move.

There is no doubt that what he says is correct. Most developmental psychologists suggest we start sharing information about love, sex and human relationships early in our child’s life.

Most sexologists would agree with Jeremy’s firm conviction that it would have been better if the information you wanted to share about why you were making love presented a rather limited view of all sex can do and be.

Still, being correct and succinct are things that matter. They matter if you want to get many points across clearly and unequivocally. They matter if you don’t want to muddy the waters with too much of the “It depends”  and the “On the other hands” that questions regarding the rightness and wrongness of things always bring about.

That, perhaps, is why this column is two-pronged: as a former director of ship finance at a time Lloyds TSB was a bank to contend with (how I wish I could say joke only!), Jeremy had to decide which among the many shipowners he would grant loans to.

He now has the same style he did then: “here’s the information, and you can like it or lump it.”  No need to see if this is the best way for the message to get across.

Being a clinical psychologist trained to not only give information but also decide the best way to do it, I don’t want to punish you for asking us a question since, if you feel devastated by the answer, you won’t really hear what we’re saying.

Thus, the following statements are just as important :

The best kind of sex education you can give is the one that starts early and comes across in conversation, rather than via lectures. If a child isn’t made to feel sorry she asked where she came from (as most children are wont to do), then she will be comfortable asking you other things about sex and love.   

For example, when she entered your bedroom, she could’ve asked: “Are you and mommy making love?” and you could’ve said yes and we can talk more about this tomorrow. But for now, maybe it’s best you close the door.

So you didn’t start teaching her about sex as early as you’d have liked. Hey! Better late than never, right? And nowhere is this more true than in sex education.

Your children may get the correct information from books and from school, but they also need to know what you feel, even if they may not agree with you in the end. The chances of their agreeing with you goes up the more they respect your integrity as human beings.

Your children do not expect you to be sex experts; what they need is to know that you consider their concerns important enough to help them look for answers in case you don’t know them yourselves. They need to be able to trust you, to trust that you are confident enough to say, “you know, I’m not sure. Let’s look it up together!?”

Finally, a good guideline, perhaps, is this: “Sex is a 3-letter word that needs 4-letter words to express its true meaning: care, give and love.”

Good luck! – Margie 

– Rappler.com

Giggling girl image from Shutterstock

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email desk@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.

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