[Two Pronged] My ex and Amanda

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

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Torn between pregnant ex and best friend-turned-current flame

 

 

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he enrolled in and subsequently gave workshops in work-life balance and gender sensitivity training. He has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and occasionally as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Dr Holmes needs no further introduction. 

 

 

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

I had a girlfriend for two years. It was a stable relationship at first, but conflict started when I found out that she was still communicating with her ex-boyfriend. And apparently, she still has feelings for him. Being the stupid and in-love guy that I was, I still chose to hold on to that relationship because I just can’t let her go and she promised me she would totally forget about his ex and she will just focus on me. However, she was not able to keep her word and she did the most horrible thing – she slept with that guy. I won’t go into details as to how I found out about it, but it was confirmed because she eventually confessed to me when I confronted her. That was the end of my line. I ended our relationship. It was a rough break up. She was begging me not to leave her, she said that she was regretting what she did and she will never do it again. But, I’ve had enough. I don’t want to stay in that kind of relationship anymore.

And so, we moved on with our lives. After a few months, my faith in love was renewed — thanks to my best friend. Let’s call her Amanda. Like what best friends do, she was there during my lowest points — she was my adviser, confidant, motivator, everything. I must admit, when I was still with my ex-girlfriend, I tend to take Amanda for granted. But now, I realized how amazing this girl really is and I have fallen in love with her. She has shown me what unconditional love really means.

Things are going smoothly between me and Amanda. We are a happy and fulfilled couple. But my ex started to message me again. At this time, she is already 8 months pregnant (when we broke up, I didn’t know that she was already pregnant that time, and even if I knew, it would be hard for me to take the responsibility as father knowing that it could be the other guy. I hope you understand where I’m coming from.) She told me that based on the doctor’s calculations, the baby was conceived before the date that she had sex with the other guy. Meaning, I am the father.

Now, I am really torn. I don’t know what to do. If I am really the father, I don’t want to run away from the responsibility. I cannot bear the idea that an innocent child will grow up without a complete family, guilt will consume me. On the other hand, I can’t leave Amanda because I just love her so much.

Now, my ex is making me choose: if I choose Amanda, I will not be able to see the baby ever. (I don’t want that to happen because as I’ve said, I want to face the responsibility.) But if I choose my ex, then I get to have the right over the baby. She promised that she will do anything for me and for “our family.” She is asking me to give her one last chance to prove to me that she has changed. She will do everything so that the baby will grow up in a complete and happy family. I don’t know if I can still trust her but I’m thinking, just for the baby, why not give her one last chance? What if, this time, she has really changed?

But, what about Amanda?

I am totally confused and I hope that you would be able to help me on this matter. Thank you very much. Paulo

——————-

Dear Paulo:

What about Amanda?  

Never mind Amanda. She can take care of herself well enough, especially if she trusts someone enough to share her feelings. This trusted one — be s/he friend, family, or therapist — would be objective, well versed in the power dynamics in relationships and the role of guilt, forgiveness, especially of self, and the insidious role of emotional blackmail when making decisions (if you let it).

I get the feeling you hope Amanda will understand your plight, especially since you mentioned — and, I am sure, have told her time and again — how understanding and capable of unconditional love she is.

I may be a cynic, but in my clinical experience, men who have “amazing” partners can sometimes convince them to carry on with these relationships despite these men having to marry someone else.  No, no, no, it is not because they’re selfish or are no longer in love with them, it is because they want to be good fathers and the “other woman” (who they will marry) has presented them with an ultimatum.

You are not the first man to try to present his situation this way, Paulo, and I doubt you will be the last. Under similar circumstances I would tell Amanda to drop you until you sort yourself out. I would tell her that being lonely and missing you is far better for her self-esteem and for any of her children’s should she choose to give birth, adopt, etc, than being your mistress (which she would be if you married your ex, no matter what sort of spin you put to it).

Other men have impregnated exes and yet found the courage to say, “Let the chips fall where they will, I won’t stop till I have equal rights to my child.”

I would tell Amanda that, if you are still in a turmoil because you cannot decide what to do, who to “choose” despite the obvious choice, then you always will be unless you have the balls to choose definitely and definitively.

Your ex hasn’t changed. She is just as manipulative and self-absorbed as she was when she was unfaithful to you. Her temerity to even attempt to give you ultimatums shows that. One thing in her favor, though, is that you haven’t changed either, and she knows what buttons to push to convince you that there is a chance any relationship you have with her might work this time.

Because you haven’t really changed and thus don’t really appreciate what you have with Amanda vis-a-vis your ex. If Amanda were my client, I would tell her waiting for you to decide is an exercise in futility. If you cannot see how being trapped in a marriage with this woman will be worse for your child than fighting for access (or even) joint custody, then you don’t deserve her.  

I will now leave Jeremy to hold your hand and be touchy-feely. My excuse is, he hasn’t seen the damage men like you can inflict on women like Amanda,  so he can really commiserate with your plight. Despite all this, I wish you the very best — especially the discernment to finally realize what a true prize you have in your grasp right now.

Margie

 

Dear Paulo,

Thank you for your message.

First and foremost, it is essential that you establish for certain that you are indeed the father of your ex’s child. There seems ample reason for doubt, based not only on the fact that she was not being faithful to you at the time but also on her track record of lying to you. A paternity test will at least clarify this issue.

On the assumption that you are indeed the father, it is important when analyzing your options to remember why you left your ex in the first place. You had some very good reasons and these have not gone away just because she got pregnant. Are you seriously contemplating a toxic marriage to someone you were certain you never wanted to see again simply to provide your child with a “complete family”, a household that contains two parents? As for your comment, “What if, this time, she has really changed?” — you must be delusional if you have the slightest doubt. This is the woman who is saying to you that if you don’t get back together, you will never be allowed to see your child. Many would call that blackmail and it is seldom a quality a sane person seeks in a prospective wife.

Taking this advice, of course, does not enable you to get off scot free as there is still the not so small matter of the child. Your willingness to ‘do the right thing’ is admirable, always provided you define such in the correct way. In this regard you can opt to be no different from any other separated father — visiting rights, financial support, etc. Whether you can get your ex to agree is a separate issue and we — or, better yet, a damn good lawyer — can offer further advice if you would like to write again. All the best,

Jeremy

 – Rappler.com

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