[Two Pronged] The other woman

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Together, they have written two books: “Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality” and “Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.”

Dear Miss Margie and Mr Baer,

As I watched your video  #AskMargie on Overly Possessiveness Partners, I realized that maybe you were right when you said that some people let it happen because that person fills a need in them.

I am 28 years old, attractive and successful for my age. I graduated from one of the top schools in the country. I own several self-liquidating properties and a car. I am single. I used to be very religious and I am known to have a nice personality and good character. People look at me, and they think I am such a catch. They didn’t know that I have reserved myself for somebody, someone who I love so much.

Two years ago, I broke off my engagement with my boyfriend of 5 years. I felt unsure about getting married to him. I never felt that he loved me a lot. I felt that one of the main factors he wanted to marry me is because he feels proud of me and my accomplishments.

Something was lacking. I was yearning for the type of boyfriend who would call me often, arrange special dates with me, want to hear my voice most of the time, make me feel valued and special. Gusto ko Miss Margie yung nararamdaman ko na mahal na mahal talaga ako. Hindi yung binobola ako, pero yung nakikita ko sa gawa. Mabola kasi yung ex ko but hindi ko maramdaman yung sacrifices and yung true love.  (What I wanted was someone who yearned for me and whose love I could feel was stalwart and true. Not merely a silver-tongued suitor like my ex, but someone whose love I could feel)

At the same time, I was also keeping my attraction to my married boss a secret. Six months before the wedding, I decided to approach him and tell him about my feelings and I am surprised he also felt the same way. I felt more confused so I talked to my ex and we broke up and canceled the wedding.

I felt that it was the love I was looking for. For once, I felt sure of my feelings towards somebody. For me, he’s my soulmate and I felt very lucky to have him, to have that communication and connection with him. The sex is also good. We were very compatible. I realized a lot of things about myself, about other people because of the relationship. I became empowered, non-judgmental, and more loving. I grew so much, learned so much, and I became mature in my way of thinking.

Having each other is advantageous for the both of us. The relationship has corrected a lot of things in my past and I felt like staying at home even if most of the time I am alone. I am secure; I am loved.

Sometimes I wonder where this relationship will take me. I ask myself why I love him despite his being married. I can always leave him and welcome other suitors, date other men. But I just feel so loyal to him. Some of my friends are very frustrated; but some understand. My family also knows about us.

Maybe I like his possessiveness? Maybe I feel that he loves me more because of that? What is this, Dr Holmes, Mr. Baer? Maybe his possessiveness fills a need in me and that’s why I can’t see myself being with other men?

I don’t want to be the other woman forever. I hope that later our love will prevail. We are going strong, almost 3 years na. What am i going to do? Leave him? Stay and fight for him? Or is this love just an illusion of a need that made me so attached to him? Please enlighten me Miss Margie. I’ve always had a good head on my shoulders but I can’t seem to escape my current situation. It is like I have voluntarily let myself be an invisible second wife out of my love for him.

Miss Right Love, Wrong Time

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Dear Miss Right Love Wrong Time,

Thank you for your letter.

I have to confess that when I first read your story I felt quite irritated by it. Here is a woman who has not only looks, education, and financial security but also a very clear idea of what she expects from love and from a relationship. Faced with an unsatisfactory prospective marriage, what does she do? She gives her fiancé the push only to get involved with a married man. And this is no accident of fate. She throws herself at him and is then actually grateful that he accepts her surrender to him.

This analysis was going to lead me to fulminate about wasting your youth and to excoriate you for your willful stupidity. But a further re-reading of your letter has forced me to reassess because I initially gave too little weight to one critical facet of your story: the ambivalence you are currently feeling.

You clearly recognize the advantages and disadvantages of an affair with a married man. You do not specify the sort of relationship you and your married lover are actually enjoying (“affair,” after all, covers a wide variety of situations, from the occasional furtive meeting at one extreme to maintaining a separate household quite openly at the other), but clearly it is causing you some distress. Despite the attractions of your lover (he is your soulmate, he completes you, and the sex is good too!), you are still alone most of the time, you are still the second wife and there is no sign of this changing.

Perhaps it is time for you to consider whether your definition of an ideal relationship doesn’t need some fine tuning. We know the outcome of two of your actual experiences. The first with your former fiancé was unsatisfactory because he didn’t really love you for yourself, only for what you represented. In your current one you think you are loved properly – but only part-time – and his love, time, energy, money, and all the rest are shared with someone else. These are, however, only two of many relationship possibilities and indeed you are aware of this because you suggest “I can always leave him and welcome other suitors.”

Now is the time to take comfort from your eventual realization that your former fiancé was a false god and concentrate on using those same powers of analysis on your current choice. What man, faced with a good-looking educated independent woman who offers herself to him knowing he is already married, would not be delighted to make the time to enjoy this unsolicited gift? And if he ever falls short of your expectations, he can always say “If only I weren’t married, I would….” and offer you the sun and the moon, safe in the knowledge that you accept he is married and thus he won’t actually have to deliver.

Let’s face it, though, in the final analysis, the only words he can truly utter that would actually count for anything are “Marry me. I’ve divorced my wife.”

I believe that you are already on the road to accepting that your current predicament is not sustainable and that you will have to take remedial action. Of course, it is always difficult to give up something tangible (love, sex, shared experiences, etc.), however flawed, in the hope that the future will deliver something else that is better. But deep down you already know that you have to move on and if she agrees with me Dr Holmes will hopefully give you some advice to that end. All the best – Jeremy

Dear RLWT (Right Love Wrong Time):

I will answer you right after I write Jeremy an itty bitty note, ok? Promise it has a lot to do with trying to help you resolve your problem. Thanking you for your understanding – Margie

My love, Jeremy:

Definitely I agree with you. That is mainly because RLWT is very much like our daughter Alex who is independent and, indeed, almost headstrong. She will balk at advice unless she is 100% firmly convinced and I am not sure she is at that point. What I will do, however, is point out a fact or two which may help her decide one way or another.  Xxx–M

Dear RLWT:

Thank you very much for your letter. I have done something I never would during a therapy session, which is allude to my own family, mainly to reassure you that anything that may come across as judging you negatively is merely accidental.  Because you do remind me so much of my daughter and perhaps, even more strongly of myself, I know anything I say will be positive in the end. Natch! I can be humble about many things, but never ever about who I think I really am deep down inside.

My hypothesis is that you have had to fight for everything you have. This has made some people – mainly close minded and jealous – consider you masculine in many ways.

No wonder having an overly possessive man is so appealing to you! With him you feel feminine, a love-struck slave girl who will do everything her Lord and Master desires. Please don’t be embarrassed if this fantasy appeals to you. Believe me, it is a fantasy many successful, strong, assertive women wish they had in reality.

Your current lover makes you feel like your dream has come through. He agrees with your fantasy that men in love are unreasonably possessive.

This is a myth most – if not all – married men try to convince their unmarried lovers-on-the-side of. “I am overly possessive only because I love you” really means “I am scared shitless that you will realize you have the short end of the straw.”  

“The thought of another man’s hands on you drives me crazy” is another v-e-r-y sexy message, isn’t it? And it will remain sexy until you realize that sexy talking is the only thing he can do. This is the reason some mistresses stay on despite being physically abused by their married lovers. They rationalize that he does this only because he loves them so much. But 9 times out of 10 it is because they can’t do anything else. Do you imagine your boss doing anything less than what he’s been doing, even if you do go out with someone else?!!? Do you think he would risk losing all he has professionally and/or financially?

What I suggest is, if you want to enjoy this fantasy for a little while longer, then by all means do so. But, like any successful endeavor – be it for a car, a condo, or a love worth waiting for – keep your feet firmly tethered on the ground no matter how strongly your flights of fantasy threaten to blow you away,  All my very best – Margie 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email TwoPronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED