[Two Pronged] Student – Teacher

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes. Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he enrolled in and subsequently gave workshops in work-life balance and gender sensitivity training. He has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years, as co-lecturer and occasionally as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives. Dr Holmes needs no further introduction.

I am a 27-year old high school teacher for 5 years now. I’ve had my own fill of students having a crush on me when they were still my students but I simply shrugged them off because of professionalism and ethical considerations.

Now, after 5 years, the students I once taught are about to graduate from college and some of them have really bloomed into attractive ladies. I’ve been single for a while now after my first relationship and looking for a new one. I want to court a former student of mine but I am worried of its detrimental effects on my profession and image as a teacher. Should I still pursue her even though she is no longer my student?

Yours truly,

Aaron

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Dear Aaron,

Thank you for your letter. 

I can see no problem whatsoever in principle with dating an ex-student, particularly if you wait until they have finished college first. I wonder though whether in practice it is as simple as this because there are a couple of caveats to approval that may lead you to reflect a little further on your situation. 

For example: You obviously should not use your position to identify future candidates for your affections. It could become all too easy to view your classrooms, full of young and impressionable schoolgirls, as equally full of targets for tomorrow’s relationships and it would be only a small step from there to start grooming selected favorites for their forthcoming roles. Such behavior would of course constitute a gross abuse of your position as a teacher. 

This means that while the girl(s) is (are) still at school, there should be no hint of any impropriety, no act whatsoever that could suggest a relationship other than that of student and teacher i.e. a strictly professional approach to all your students until they graduate. And this is what you claim you are doing.

You say that your ex-students, among them the one you wish to court, are now about to graduate from college. But what relationship, if any, do you have with them while they are in college, presumably a span of four years?  If none, how do you even know whether any are suitable dating material? If however there is still a relationship, what sort is it: teacher, ‘uncle’, dirty old man, or what? The possibilities are many but I find it difficult to understand how you transition from being a teacher one day to being a potential boyfriend four years later. 

Your answer to this will determine whether your behavior will have detrimental effects on your profession and image as a teacher. All the best. – Jeremy

Dear Aaron:

Thank you very much for your letter and most especially for your efforts to be, and success in being, a teacher with impeccable standards.

I see nothing wrong in pursuing a former high school student who is now about to graduate from college. In addition, you never took advantage of your position as a teacher, despite your students sending out various signals regarding their availability, etc. And you seem to be the sort of man who would consider doing this only if he were free to do so i.e. had no other relationship. 

In other words, dearest Aaron, good luck! All the best – Margie

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Dear Readers:

Below is part 1 of Anne’s letter which we will answer next week.  We need to divide her letter into two parts because it is quite long and the column would otherwise be too long when our answers are added.

Thus, without further ado, here is a letter from a Filipina about her English pen pal. 

Margie and Jeremy

Hi there Doc Margie  and Mr Baer:  

You may call me Anne and I’m a great fan of your column Two Pronged. Also, I watch you in #AskMargie and have used the techniques you both have shared and they really helped me a lot. 

I’m not sure if what I have is problem but sometimes it bothers me. I would like to ask for advice from you both, because I’m confused of what is the right path I will be taking and what my professor told us in college, “if you are confused, ask the EXPERTS :)”.

This is my story:  I have an on and off chat mate from the other side of the world, a European but currently working in UK. We’ve been chatting for almost 2 years before he came here to the Philippines to get to know me. Let’s call him James. 

I met James in the flesh just last July. We got to know each other and inevitably something happened to us. Before we met, I was still virgin though I’m already in my late 20s. James is also in his late 20s but he is one year younger than me. He has had 6 ex-girlfriends and for myself, he is my first. 

What I know about him before he came here, is that he had just broken up with his girlfriend who is 3 years older than him. She is also an Asian. They actually lived together in UK. He told me he cannot stand anymore the attitude of his ex for she was a bossy type. He said he broke up with her several months ago and is ready for a new relationship. Which is why he finally visited me this July, 4 months ago. 

During his stay here, we traveled together to so many beautiful places here in the Philippines. He was the one who paid all the expenses. He got to know me more and he said he likes me as a whole.  He likes my physical appearance, my personality, my attitude and everything about me. I like him too inside and out. For me, he is perfect match. He’s a true gentleman, caring, responsible, witty, a joker and everything nice. I can say we jive with each other inside and outside the bedroom. He loves me, I can feel it… and I love him too.

Now, this is what bothered me : Days before he went back to UK, he told me the truth.  

TO BE CONTINUED  ON NOVEMBER 16.

– Rappler.com
 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.