SUMMARY
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It’s the weekend. Your little preschooler wants to make some art. You bring out some materials: colored paper and scissors.
The child bursts into tears. “But I cannot cut a circle!”
Do you:
- Say, “It’s okay, I’ll do it for you” to free her from her frustration;
- Say, “Try anyway” because perseverance is the key; or
- Say, “Let’s try it this way” and break down the task into smaller parts?
Spotting perfectionism in your child
“Children who display perfectionist behavior set unreasonably high standards for themselves” says Psych4Schools, an online resource for teachers and professionals in education.
Teacher Tina Zamora, school directress of Nest School, points out that one observable trait of perfectionist children is their refusal to work in uncertain conditions.
For example, “if they’re unsure of something, they’re scared to move forward. Or, they ask too many questions so they can get the perfect answer,” points out Teacher Tina.
Fear of failure
Perfectionist children are fearful of making mistakes. This can be a real problem, experts say.
School-age children often find themselves in a quandary. Because of the way the education system is set up, there is much stress on getting the right answers, knowing what to say (always!), performing well, and creating exemplary work.
In short, the message is to be the perfect student.
It’s imperative that children know that mistakes are part of life. It’s even more important that their parents and teachers truly acknowledge this, and help kids deal with setbacks.
School projects and the home environment can be designed to be “open to failure.” Teacher Tina suggests that activities that are process-oriented (“the longer the process, the better”) will be beneficial to a child’s ability to work with difficulties.
A writing assignment, for instance, can take the form of several drafts, allowing for mistakes to be corrected and edited along the way. Allow your child to commit grammatical errors, have bad handwriting, and misspell words while she is figuring things out.
Helping your perfectionist child succeed
It is likely that your perfectionist child is very hard on herself. She doesn’t need you to add pressure to her when you address her behavior.
She needs your support and guidance. Some kindness and gracious behavior, plus some actionable pointers, can help your child:
“Watch out: do you find yourself saying “It’s just a little thing!” or “That’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” Invalidating feelings will make her confused and more unable to work through them.”
1. Validate her emotions
When she is frustrated or upset because of a mistake or her fear of making one, let her know that her feelings are valid.
Empathize with her, and be careful of belittling the situation. Watch out: do you find yourself saying “It’s just a little thing!” or “That’s nothing, don’t worry about it.” Invalidating feelings will make her confused and more unable to work through them.
Some experts advise “sportscasting” or “mirroring” to verbalize back what the experience is to your child. This way, you’re able to show your child that you know what she is going through and that you are not solving the problem for her, nor dismissing it.
2. Move from mistakes
When your child does make a mistake, be gracious about it. Demonstrate the flexibility to move from it—and to learn from it.
When you make a mistake too, admit and show acceptance and learning. The goal is to show and imbibe in the child that everyone makes mistakes. The important thing is to be able to identify the problem so it can be solved.
3. Create schemes for solving a problem at hand
Children tend to freeze when they are overwhelmed with a problem that seems insurmountable or confusing. This is especially true for the perfectionists.
“We teach schemes,” says Teacher Tina. “We take it part by part. If it’s a cutting a circle shape, let’s do half of a circle first. In terms of perfectionism, the way is to break it down for them so that it’s attainable goals. For them also, it’s easier for them to succeed with attainable goals.”
4. Don’t remove the frustrations
Let your child go through her struggles. Even if it’s as simple as carrying her heavy school bag to her classroom, says Teacher Tina.
Opportunities to fail and struggle – and the feelings of frustration that come with them – are important for children to experience.
Stop making their lives too easy, or lay it all out for them. Let them fight their own battles, and intercede only when truly necessary. This way, they are able to test their limits, know more about the way they react, negotiate, and deal with others.
The frustration can be your child’s gateway to being a critical thinker and problem solver.
5. Allow for community involvement
Whether it be a school activity or some other interest, your child will learn to cope with goal-setting and success strategies by participating actively in the process.
Working with other people will let your child see that everyone has strengths and weaknesses, that everyone has imperfections. Teamwork allows everyone to use his strengths to complement another’s weakness when working towards a goal.
This productive feeling, amidst a supportive system, is beneficial to the child who needs an extra nudge to keep moving forward despite risks and through feelings of apprehension.
Finally, don’t mistake best efforts for perfectionism
Of course, we all want our children to do their best. As Teacher Tina puts it, “we don’t want our students to be mediocre.”
The key is understanding the role of giving one’s all versus getting it all correct. Teach preparation and tactical thinking, so that your child is able to take things one step at a time.
Best effort means forging ahead even if one’s unsure; it entails a sense of openness to things not working according to plan—and if they don’t, what now?
Let the kids give their best effort and experience all the bumps and potholes. Allow the children (and allow yourself this idea) to let them do things their way, whatever that may mean.
Let your child, in short, acquire the skills needed in life, says Teacher Tina. Experiencing all these frustrations, all these mistakes will help with development: socially, mentally, emotionally. It may be that your perfectionist child may still want to do things perfectly, but by being able to temper that fear of mistakes, she doesn’t have to feel so immobilized anymore. – Rappler.com
Child biting nail image, girl doing homework image, teacher and student looking at globe image via ShutterStock
Candice Lopez-Quimpo is a writer-editor who enjoys being a hands-on mom. While she constantly looks for stories to tell and collaborations to explore, she often finds herself pondering the curiosities that come with everyday life and the happy mayhem brought about by a growing family. Follow her on Twitter @candicequimpo
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