Better late than never: Why being delayed in college is nothing to be ashamed about

It’s graduation season again! While happy graduates post toga shots and testimonies about grueling university life – it’s a bittersweet time for students who remain in college longer than expected. 

Never in my entire, smooth-sailing academic life did I think I would be one of those people, but I found out I would be delayed for a few years after I’d transferred to a new major. Thinking I could get away with many credited courses, I was shocked to learn that my new program’s fixed four-year curriculum was inescapable, regardless. This fact harbored nights of existential crises, negative feelings, and confusion over whether I should call myself  “freshie,” “second year standing,” or “third year” when people asked me my year level. 

Typically, we’re expected to graduate within the usual four-year time frame. However, some may take five, eight, or more years for various reasons. A lot of students get delayed for shifting courses, getting insufficient units and grades, or even hiccups with administrative requirements. 

Meanwhile, there are those who decide to take a deliberate break from their studies. Students opt to take a leave of absence or a gap year because of mental health issues, unconducive living situations, or financial problems.   

Unfortunately, even if the causes were inevitable, being delayed may still feel “shameful” because of the growing pressure to live up to societal expectations. 

If you’re not as put-together as the successful people in your age group, it’s easy to think that you’re failing at life. In this generation, it’s not just enough to study well and get a secure job. The bar of expectations is set higher by the “hustle culture” we glorify. Teenagers vigorously feel the need to be on top and carve a name for themselves as if they’re racing with time. Often, there is no room for mistakes and holdups in this ideal.

Seeing everyone else thrive while you’re figuring yourself out is always a hard pill to swallow. Thankfully, life’s detours actually have their silver linings. We asked clinical psychologist Abegail Joyce “AJ” Requilman from mental health organization Empath, together with some previously and currently delayed students, to help us navigate these feelings of unworthiness and failure.

Here are some encouragements to help you deal with the pressures of being delayed – and how to eventually find peace with it:

Reflect and develop a growth mindset

In our fast-paced hustle culture, there is more emphasis on generating productivity and less emphasis on the need to strengthen ourselves internally. When we’re eaten up by the noise of social pressure, it helps to sit quietly and introspect about what we are growing through. 

“Try to examine your internal dialogue. If you want to turn your challenges and setbacks into something positive and productive, try to adopt a growth mindset. Set more realistic expectations for yourself especially and be open to the idea that no one is perfect, but we can always strive to be better,” AJ told Rappler in an interview. 

Paolo, 22, a Speech Communication major, was delayed by a year due to shifting courses twice. Although it was hard to accept, he cultivated a resilient mindset that allowed him to turn this setback into a springboard for growth.

“[What helped me was] more of my mindset, really. I eventually came to believe that I had my own journey to fulfill, and sometimes it would take me longer than others to achieve what I want…. This mindset also helped me see being delayed as an advantage,” he shared. 

“Being delayed only becomes a hindrance if you don’t maximize the extra time that it brings. Whether you like it or not, being delayed is now part of your college journey. Let it become a tool for your success,” he added.

Letting your thoughts flow on paper or in a digital journal is also a healthy way to release pent-up emotions. A personal account of your feelings can be a great benchmark and reminder of how far you’ve come in the future.

Surround yourself with a good support group

Beyoncé once said, “Inhale love and energy…exhale doubt and negativity.” This is a reminder to surround yourself with people who will build you up and lessen your exposure to energy that can weaken your spirits.

AJ recommends allotting time for reconnecting with peers who can encourage and support you to continue your academic journey. “Talk with friends who you are comfortable sharing your wins and struggles with. As you listen to others with a positive mindset about your situation, you’ll start to say those things to yourself as well,” she said. 

Coral, 21, a Public Administration student, is delayed by a few years after deciding to transfer courses and universities. To cope with her extra years, she finds comfort knowing that she’s not alone in her circumstances.

“You need to remember that getting delayed is more common than you think. Having a support group who are in the same boat will help you cope and feel a little less lonely about your situation,” Coral shared. “In the long run, the time you spent in college wouldn’t even matter as much,” she continued.

At the same time, knowing when and how to seek help from friends could make the weight of things seem lighter. No man is an island, after all. 

Explore and make the most out of your time

One of the blessings of being delayed is extending your student perks and privileges – whether it’s the allowance, opportunities, or mentorship that you are given. AJ describes college as “the best place to learn, explore, discover yourself, strengthen your social skills, and have fun!”

“Take advantage of the fact that this is the time where you have the most support and guidance from your professors, guidance counselors, and parents,” she advised. 

Merry, 23, a formerly delayed Sociology student, lived by these words and seized various leadership roles until his last year in university.

“I cultivated a healthy mindset of maximizing my time in the university because I wanted to enjoy this exciting phase of my life before moving onto the ‘adulting stage’…. I strongly suggest that you use the privilege of time in developing old skills and even learn new ones,” he said. “Try changing your perception of the issue by viewing it as a pivotal time of holistic growth and opportunity.”

Now would be the best time to be involved in organizations, build networks, or pursue interests that you haven’t had time for! Let college be your grounds for exploration while you’re still free of the responsibilities of a working adult. 

Focus on what really matters to you

As the main characters of our lives, we have to dictate our own paths and decisions. There might be a lot of pressure to decide based on what our family or peers may think – but we’ll be pulled in different directions if we try to accommodate everyone’s opinions. 

“When your focus is on pleasing other people, you become blind to the things that really matter to you and to your own goals. Shift your attention to your progress and the path that you are taking to achieve your goals,” AJ said.

An example is earning a degree in a program that fits you well. Ysa, 22, shifted out during her fourth year from a major that wasn’t the best fit for her anymore. Now studying Communication Research, she realized that her decision was better than finishing faster on a path that was challenging and miserable for her.

 “Choosing to look out for myself and remembering that my new course makes me happy is what I hold on to when I receive judgment about staying in college longer,” she shared. “In these moments, we are challenged to be self-compassionate and make the best of the cards we are dealt.”

Be kind and patient with yourself

Finally, don’t beat yourself up for taking your time or making mistakes. When we find ourselves falling behind, AJ said that we might build up internal tension. This could manifest in pushing yourself to overwork or to remain on hiatus until you spiral down an abyss of demotivation. Whenever you’re feeling frustrated, remember to take a step back and protect your well-being.

“You may not be where you want to be yet and you may be going slower than you wanted but for as long as you are trying and moving towards the direction you have set for yourself, you will get there eventually,” she encouraged.

Ica, a 25-year-old Biology major, was told in her supposedly last semester that she would have to redo her thesis from scratch. Along the way, she learned how to prioritize her mental health and find solace in things that made her happy. 

“I took more time to do the things I enjoyed like my hobbies (video games and music), and spending time with people who cared about me. I’ve also been lucky enough to be seeing a therapist for my mental health, and talking with them helped me process all the hurt and insecurity I felt,” she shared. “There’s nothing shameful about being delayed. It doesn’t reflect who you are as a student, and definitely not as a person.”All this advice tells us that getting delayed shouldn’t discourage us from working towards the future we desire. This setback can potentially teach us life’s greatest lessons only if we allow it to. Acceptance might not be linear, and fear of the unknown may creep back eventually. But in the meantime, the anxious delayed student can find comfort in knowing that ultimately, everyone goes through their own seasons, in their own time. – Rappler.com

AJ is a licensed psychologist who completed her Master of Arts in Psychology degree with a specialization in Clinical Psychology. She has years of experience in case management, assessment, counseling, and psychotherapy. Throughout her clinical practice, she has worked closely with children, adolescents, and adults with intellectual and emotional challenges, as well as clients with mood problems, anxiety, life-transition concerns, and substance-abuse disorders. She is passionate about advocating for mental health awareness and has participated in several charitable initiatives that aimed to provide counseling services to low-income communities. You can book a consultation with her via Empath’s website.

Sydney Cañamo is a Rappler intern.