[Two Pronged] HPV diagnosis, then goodbye?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I’m just taking this chance to ask for some advice.

Last April I was diagnosed with HPV, I had genital warts. I told my boyfriend that time about it, supposedly through a conversation in person, but he insisted on knowing about it over the phone. I didn’t blame it on him because as per the doctor it has been there for a while and the signs were just seen because my immune system was compromised.

My boyfriend that time and I were just together for two months that time, all was perfect really…until we found out about the HPV. I had myself treated immediately and I had myself and him vaccinated and checked. I told him instead of hiding it because I trusted him and I don’t want any health issues on him or between us, and I thought that he’d be worried. But I didn’t expect him to end the relationship because all I know was we loved each other a lot. 

After finding out about the HPV, he still came over a few times, slept next to me and hug me while sleeping. Then he said that he needed time, because if he does not want to carry on any more he would’ve told me. He said that he was still weighing things but it can go either way. I waited for him for two months, until I felt like I needed to ask him about his decision. I sent a text message because I didn’t have the courage to ask it in front of him. I guess I was waiting for a positive response from him.

I don’t know if I should still fight or wait for him or not. I don’t have a kid of my own but his kid means a lot to me, too. We were like a family, a happy one until all these happened.

I might see him a few more times because he lent my friend some money and I have to bring it to him…I don’t know if that would do us good or not. I asked him to let me know when he’s going to see his daughter because I would just want to give my promised gift, but he didn’t message me or anything about it, though I know that they saw each other for Father’s Day.

Jana

———–

Dear Jana,

Thank you for your message.

Your account of your problem tells us a lot about your health hiccup, the reaction of your boyfriend (let’s call him Will), your expectations and the subsequent hiatus while he considers his options.

Perhaps it would now be helpful to look more closely at your relationship with Will. At the time you were diagnosed, you had been together two months. It would therefore be fair to say that it was early days and although everything was going well, the two of you were still at the “honeymoon” stage. You had not exactly had to confront and withstand many, if indeed any, of the vicissitudes that relationships encounter over the months and years.

So then the first serious issue arose – your HPV diagnosis. You say you do not blame Will for the HPV because you had had it “for a while” but you do not enlighten us further. It seems fair to say however that Will turned out to be rather less sanguine about the matter, so much so that after a few token appearances he has now vanished from your life.

So now you need to look closely at the realities of your situation. Your relationship with Will was only in its infancy when it ended yet you have built it up in your mind into an eternal happy family. You wonder whether you should fight for him but he is showing absolutely no interest in being with you again. There is therefore every indication that this relationship is truly over.

If however you decide that despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary there is still a chance, you can of course use this loan he made to your friend as an excuse. If on the other hand common sense prevails, there are ways to repay money in the 21st century that don’t need a third party to hand carry cash between debtor and lender. 

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Jana:

Thank you very much for your letter. Thank you too, my co-author Jeremy Baer, for saying all that I wanted to but in such a subtle yet clear way. Indeed, should common sense prevail, Jana, it is much better to accept what seems to be inevitable, wait for him to make the next move since you have already made many that he hasn’t responded to, a-n-d, just as importantly, move on in case he still hasn’t done so. 

It’s not as if you have merely hinted at your desire to continue. You have made it more than clear that you want the relationship to continue.  

It seems to me that he, to, tried to be as clear as was possible under the circumstances.  He told you he needed time, adding that, if he were definite that he wanted it to end, he would’ve told you. He warned you it could go either way. Tired of waiting, you sent him a text message after two months and got a negative response. He may not be as verbal as you, but he was trustworthy enough to not leave you hanging, like many men (and, sige na nga – also women) would do. Cut him and yourself some slack. 

You had a relationship wonderful enough for you to think this could last forever.  He may or may not have felt the same, but knowing about your HPV status seems to have changed things for him. You may have “trusted” him (when you could have hidden your status), but I do not understand what it is he did or did not do that made him untrustworthy. 

You say you didn’t expect him to end the relationship and yet relationships of 2 months break up for a number of reasons and not just because of an HPV diagnosis. It may be politically incorrect to break up with someone simply because she has HPV – especially if she told him voluntarily and made sure he too got vaccinated. However, as Mr Baer put it, he may not be as sanguine as you are.

And it makes sense (for him) that he isn’t: In his mind, you may have put him in danger, making it possible for him to get penile and/or anal cancer, and/or

cancer in the back of the throat, including the base of the tongue and tonsils (called oropharyngeal cancer).

While it is admittedly unlikely, there is a possibility he may get cancer from HPV, thus the chances that he may not be loving towards the person he feels responsible for making him more vulnerable to such cancers are quite high.

In addition, there is no specific treatment for HPV and even if HPV infection isn’t cancer it can cause changes in the body that lead to cancer. All of these cancers are caused by HPV infections that did not go away. Cancer develops very slowly and may not be diagnosed until years, or even decades, after a person initially gets infected with HPV. There is no way (yet) to know who will have only a temporary HPV infection and who will develop cancer after getting HPV. 

Finally, a study (admittedly done in 2009, but I have been unable to find more current research findings) published Oct. 7 in the Journal of Infectious Diseases makes no bones about sharing that with HPV, the most common sexually transmitted virus, there is a 20 percent chance the partner will pick up the virus within six months. 

It is most unfortunate, but perfectly understandable, that a person who has been in a relationship for only two months might tell himself to “quit while he’s ahead,” especially if he has a daughter he wants a long relationship with.

It isn’t fair and it isn’t right, but love and trust cannot be forced, Jana, which is one reason it is so beautiful when it finally happens.  

I hope you remain optimistic that, while the end of this relationship seems 100% certain, the chances of other significant relationships lasting in the future are much higher, especially if the person knows beforehand about your HPV status.  Of that I am sure. 

Good luck,

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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