[Two Pronged] I’m tired of being his ‘sex slave’

Jeremy Baer, Margarita Holmes

This is AI generated summarization, which may have errors. For context, always refer to the full article.

She worries that they don't make love – but he loves to watch porn and asks her to 'finish him off' all the time. What should she do?

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer, 

I have been married for almost 8 years now, prior to that we were in a relationship for 3 years. We had great sex before we got married we couldn’t take our hands off each other. 

I know that he watches porn. In fact, he has a dedicated hard drive for those. I really don’t mind. Before, we used to watch porn together occasionally when we made love. 

When we got married I noticed that the lovemaking frequency lessened. I vowed before that when I got married that our lovemaking will not be scheduled like my officemates, who only do it every Friday every other week. But after a few months after getting married, we only did it so I could conceive. 

But everyday he would ask for a blowjob or a hand job while he watched porn. At first it was all right because I thought it was part of my job as a wife (is it?) but after I got pregnant and gave birth, sex became less frequent. And when we have sex, there’s no foreplay anymore. I would just wake up in the middle of the night with him already on top of me. It was always painful. Eventually, it stopped. But every day he would ask me for BJs and HJs. 

The longest without sex was more than two years after I have birth to my second son. I tried telling him that we no longer have passionate sex anymore and he seldom kisses me, and when he does, it would just be a peck on the cheek. I tried telling him that we are already disconnected with each other. But it’s no use. He still watches porn and needs me to finish the job. 

If I refuse he will get really angry and find ways to get even. He’s not hurting me physically but he’s always finding ways to make me feel bad /selfish because I refused. To avoid conflict I will just do it even if I don’t want to. 

Is it normal that he’s always on porn and asks me to do things for him even if I don’t want to? And lately his sexual preferences are too anal. Is that normal? 

He’s a good provider and a very good father to our two sons but I dread every night and day when he comes to me ask me things.

I already told him of my issues but it’s seems like it’s not improving. He still prefers porn over making love to me.

It has affected me in a lot of ways. I feel insecure and unattractive. I feel so depressed thinking that I will never feel a man’s touch again, to be kissed passionately again. I so miss that. I also feel that I am already emotionally disconnected to him. There are times that I feel that I want out of this marriage and that I deserve to be happy. But I got everything that I want and need except for not having sex and being treated as a sex slave. 

I’m confused… Or am I just being selfish and uptight? Is this kind of set up normal? Will I just have to accept it?

But even if I wanted out of the marriage how will I tell him? He thinks that nothing is wrong even if I told him many times about how I feel.  People think he’s a saint. My parents love him and my children adore him completely. He can do nothing wrong. He’s the better half. Me? Well, I’m just the half.

On the outside, we are a perfect couple blessed with two kids. We travel a lot. They say I’m lucky because my husband gives me everything I want. That’s what they know. There’s really no reason that we should separate, nothing that I can tell them without destroying him or me. 

There’s also the finances, leaving him will mean economic discomfort for me and my kids.  

Abi

—————–

Dear Abi, 

Thank you for your email.

After 11 years with this man (let’s call him Tim) you now have a very clear understanding of his character. He is a good father, good provider but a sexual Neanderthal. In this day and age most people are fully aware of the basic reciprocity to make a relationship work but of course knowledge and implementation are very different things.

You have already made your views abundantly clear to Tim, but to no avail as he has simply ignored your complaints and suggestions. It is possible he has some sort of Asperger’s syndrome; more likely he is simply selfish, with a view of sex as a vehicle solely for his pleasure. And this predilection for porn, which is after all about the viewer’s sexual gratification, will merely make matters worse the longer he persists.

In these circumstances any expectation that Tim will ever learn that he needs to change his behavior to accommodate you seems quite unrealistic. For your part, having seen him for what he is – a sexual narcissist, exceptionally selfish and impervious to your pleas – you have to decide whether to take a stand. 

While Tim may appear a saint to others, including your children, it is worth remembering that as they get older your children will begin to pick up on both your unhappiness and Tim’s reaction whenever you thwart him. You should also consider what role model you want to present to your children as they grow up. Whatever you may tell them, there is a good chance that they will intuit the truth.  

This effectively leaves you with a stark choice between your current (financially)  comfortable sexual slavery on the one hand and impecunious sexual freedom on the other. I shall leave it to Dr Holmes to show you how sex, however, is only the tip of the iceberg in your life of servitude.

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

 

Dear Abi:

Thank you very much for your letter. I agree with Mr Baer, especially when he says towards the end: “This leaves you with a stark choice between your current (financially) comfortable sexual slavery on the one hand and impecunious sexual freedom on the other.”  

One thing I might add is that this gross inequality – of his getting whatever he wants and your not being able to – is not limited merely to the sexual, but to many, if not most, of your interactions. 

In fact, the real issue between you is not about sex—it is just that it is most clearly expressed sexually. Sex is merely the battleground where he lobbed his initial salvo:  mutually beneficial sex happening less and less, your duty to “finish him off” happening more and more, the possibility of your own needs to “finish off” not considered at all.  Intercourse is now devoid of even a cursory pretense of caring about you – in fact, you need not even give your consent to it…he mounts you while you are asleep.  

You are right to describe yourself as his sexual slave. But that is just for starters. 

In truth, you are his slave in every sense of the word.

You are his love-starved slave as you continue to deprive yourself of the opportunity to feel loved and appreciated, the joy of being kissed passionately again, the feeling that it is you, the person–and not merely your easily replaceable mouth or hands to be masturbated into—a man gets real pleasure from making love to.

You are his social slave as you continue the farce for all to believe that you are “a perfect couple blessed with two kids” and you the lucky wife because your husband “gives you everything you want.”

You are his financial slave since you know how quickly his being “a good provider” will stop and “economic discomfort for me and my kids”will start once you stop doing what he wants.

Saddest of all, you are a slave through and through cowed by all that has happened to the extent that rather than insisting you live a life beholden to no one, you now question your sanity (normality). You even wonder if it is your fault that you have not embraced this life of servitude with alacrity and joy. You worry if you are too selfish to not want to not want to be a mere receptacle of his semen and seem to chastise yourself for being too uptight to accept behavior that any lawyer would delight in hauling Tim off to court for his repeatedly contravening Republic Act No. 9262  (Violence against women and children).

Oh, Abi. There is so, so much more I want to say to you. But perhaps it’s best if I stop at this point and continue only if you decide to wrote back to us.

Right now, perhaps it’s best if I end my letter by paraphrasing  the last 3 lines from the Position of the Communists in Relation to the Various Existing Opposition Parties: Let Tim tremble at an Abi revolution. You have nothing to lose but your chains. You have, in fact, an entire world to win.    

MG Holmes

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED. Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

When leaving a message on this page, please be sensitive to the fact that you are responding to a real person in the grip of a real-life dilemma, who wrote to Two Pronged asking for help, and may well view your comments here. Please consider especially how your words or the tone of your message could be perceived by someone in this situation, and be aware that comments which appear to be disruptive or disrespectful to the individual concerned will be removed.

Add a comment

Sort by

There are no comments yet. Add your comment to start the conversation.

Summarize this article with AI

How does this make you feel?

Loading
Download the Rappler App!