[Two Pronged] Sexually frustrated virgin

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I’m Amber, a 30-year-old single woman and currently finishing my studies. I met a guy from school some years back. We became friends and eventually a ‘couple’ despite the fact that he was too young (he was 19; I, 25). We were both open to discussing the sexual aspect of our relationship: his age is in the state of ‘raging’ male hormones, mine the right age to decide to do this ‘deed.’

He knows that I am still virgin and expected that he will be my first. We attempted to do it but I later declined. This happened twice until he broke up with me. I can’t imagine how I badly hurt his ego when I refused to do ‘it’ during the actual attempts. I know it’s part of his needs as a man, but I always have this fear of consequences.

We had communication as ‘friends’ for the next two years through text but we never met personally. I would constantly nag him about my stress in school and he would ask why I direct all my burdens to him. I always tell him that I still love him but he told me to move on. He admitted he was only interested in the ‘deed.’ I told him that I’m afraid of giving my virginity to him because of fear that I will get more attached to him (since he will be my first and ‘falsely hoping’ to be my last) and he will eventually leave me. On his last message, he said that he no longer expects me to fulfill ‘it’ with him before cutting our connection. 

My problem stemmed from how I moved on. At first, I was convinced that I still love him, thus, making it harder for me to forget him. However, upon seeking advice from some older friends, I realized that I’m not just in love, but I was also frustrated to do ‘it’ with him.  

He has been my sexual fantasy to which I rationalized that this proves I still have feelings for him. I thought this is normal but I’m already becoming sexually preoccupied of him everyday. I think this frustration explains why I used to start fights with him after the breakup – because I can’t tell directly to him that behind all my irritating texts, what I ‘really’ wanted is for us to do ‘it.’ I am the woman, and most of all, a virgin. How do I convey to the man I love that he can now have the most precious gift I can give? I have carried these sexual thoughts and frustration for many years.

There are times I am tempted to reconnect with him, but he has a better life now. Until now, this sexual frustration keeps haunting me and I felt bad about it. I’ve been thinking that the best remedy to stop this is to do this ‘deed’ with him. It’s also one of my human needs, but I can no longer give it since I seem to be non-existent to him. 

Do you think doing ‘it’ with him will end all the mess in my mind? What are the more possible options to free myself from this urge? Or is this just a plain curiosity after all?

Please help me overcome this. It’s been bothering me for many years. I want to live my life without thinking of him and all the fantasies. Thank you.

Amber

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Dear Amber,

Thank you for your email.

Your account reveals a very traditional view of virginity – you call it “the most precious gift I can give.” Dr Holmes has already commented on both the narrowness and the absurdity of this interpretation, which is the mere relic of a pre-contraception era     and we can therefore move on to the other issues that you have raised. 

 

You seem to have survived your 20s virgo intacta not because you had religious scruples but because you had a greater fear of the consequences (presumably you mean pregnancy) than a desire for vaginal intercourse. You now appear to have undergone a radical change of attitude and are hell-bent on losing your “purity” as soon as possible. Why being hurt because he might love you then leave you or why pregnancy no longer worries you, you do not relate – maybe age is a factor.

Anyway, your change of heart is deftly attributed to your older friends because their analysis of your situation is that you are ‘not just in love, but…also frustrated to do ‘it’ with him.’  All I can say is that if any of them is a trained mental health professional, they should have their license revoked at once. If they are not, you must seriously doubt if they have your best interests at heart. Is this advice that they themselves followed? Or are they simply idiots?

Their suggested course of action seems positively perverse. Having refused the man you professed to love for years, you want to “sacrifice” your virginity to him despite the fact that he has moved on, has a better life without you and is no longer in contact. 

To use a financial analogy, this is like having missed out on investing in a booming company, then after its products have been overtaken by the competition, deciding to buy shares in the company despite knowing it is going out of business. You thus get to add the new pain of throwing money away to the old pain of failing to profit from the company in the first place.

But perhaps you have invested your virginity with some arcane significance and require a sacrifice, rather like the ancients sacrificed virgins on altars to propitiate the gods. Or alternatively, this “most precious gift” has over time become worthless, much like the last slice of some delicious pie which you have kept to eat on a special occasion for so long that it has gone off. The key issue is that you have chosen not to tell us your true motivation. 

As for the notion that by sleeping with your ex you will somehow get over him and be able to move on, let’s examine a couple of scenarios. What if when you make him this once-in-a-lifetime offer he rebuffs you? Admittedly this is unlikely as most men have a poor record of refusal when offered sex without strings. What if you have sex, realize what you have been missing all these years of giving him a hard time and then he says thanks, goodbye, I’m going back to the new life I’ve built since we split up?

Perhaps it’s time to think through your planned course of action and come up with something else. Dr Holmes will have something more to say on that.

All the best,

JAF Baer

 

Dear Amber:

Thank you very much for your email. Mr Baer has given you the reasons he strongly feels having sex with your former boyfriend will not be the answer to your frustrations and I wholeheartedly agree with him.

You have two misconceptions that seem to over glorify the meaning of “giving up your virginity” to a man who knows that is what you’re doing: 

This (declining sex) happened twice until he broke up with me. I can’t imagine how I badly hurt his ego when I refused to do ‘it’ during the actual attempts. I know it’s part of his needs as a man. 

It is possible you hurt his ego badly, but since he himself admitted that “he was only interested in the ‘deed’,” and more to the point, easily and promptly moved on from your relationship despite your refusal, that is highly unlikely.  

“‘ I am the woman, and most of all, a virgin. How do I convey to the man I love that he can now have the most precious gift I can give?”  

Dearest Amber, I think you have conveyed this message to him in many ways. It is just that he is no longer interested.  He has told you so himself as clearly as he possibly can: “I always tell him that I still love him but he told me to move on.” 

And when even that message wasn’t clear enough, he told you again “On his last message, he said that he no longer expects me to fulfill ‘it’.”  In other words, Amber, he is cutting you loose.  No matter what happened between you, no matter the reasons you couldn’t have sex with him then, no matter how badly you want him to have sex with you now, he just isn’t interested anymore in having sex with you. 

So where does that leave you now? 

It leaves you in the same position many people who have loved and lost feel: that you cannot move on, that you wish you hadn’t done what you had, and wish you had done other things that you didn’t, that whatever you may have in the future would pale in comparison to what you had then.  Welcome to real life, Amber, where you don’t always get what you want no matter how hard you want to. 

Welcome to the real world where, before you can truly move on and explore “the more possible options to free myself from this urge” you have to realize the illusions under which you are operating, which we hope we have helped you with in this column. 

Should you want more help, please write us again. If any of your perceptions have changed since the letter you wrote us above, tell us how they have and we will be better able to help you. 

Good luck,

MG Holmes 

Need advice from our Two Pronged duo? Email twopronged@rappler.com with subject heading TWO PRONGED.Unfortunately the volume of correspondence precludes a personal response.

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