[Clinical Notes] On talking about suicide – Part 2

Dr Margie Holmes

This is AI generated summarization, which may have errors. For context, always refer to the full article.

Clinical psychologist Margarita Holmes continues to explore a young person's dilemma about suicide, and also weighs in on the impact of 'parentification'

First, a note from Dr Margarita Holmes: I first started this column to provide a more clinical perspective to problems that our Two Pronged format is less suited to. Mr Baer then suggested I expand this column’s remit to include answering the sort of letters that require much more psychological training and sometimes even internship in an institute of higher learning. An example is the letter found below. 

Dear Readers:

On Sept 10, I wrote Part 1 of Clinical Notes focusing on the need to dialogue with a person who says he or she’s suicidal. It is also important to do as much – perhaps even more – with someone who does not mention suicide but comes across as depressed, because she may need more help than someone who does not need permission to say how at the end of her tether she is.

I also mentioned wishing that, in addition to DS (Dead Star) I could also write to her parents who, if they were more sensitive to what DS was going through, might have helped her far more effectively than Mr Baer and I ever could. 

This by no means implies that they are bad people, just not that helpful to DS at this particular time.

“But,” some of you may ask, “Dead Star mentioned not killing herself because of her parents, so isn’t their parenting good enough? Can’t parentification be a good thing sometimes, since it helps prevent suicides? See what she says in Part 1 of CN alone:

I have thought of many options – even suicide. (but) I was unsure if I should do it because I don’t want my parents to suffer the pain.

Yesterday, I was determined to do it. But I couldn’t, I was thinking of my dad and my mom.

Jeremy Baer and I have discussed parentification several times in our column Two Pronged because it is such a common occurrence. It helps to know as much about it as one can, to avoid the havoc and devastation it can wreak on the lives of both the parents and their children. Especially their children. (Read here, here, and here for examples.)  

Parentification is a form of role reversal, in which a child is inappropriately given the role of meeting the emotional or physical needs of the parent. In other words, when parentification occurs, a child feels he has to take care of his parents as much as (or even more than) they take care of him.

It was not Dead Star’s parentification that prevented her from actually committing suicide. It was her loving them, simple as that. Nothing in the literature says parentified children don’t love their parents. In fact, one (a non-psychologist) might even interpret parentification as loving their parents so, so much they want to protect them from pain. 

Mr Baer asks, as a P.S. in a letter to Dead Star: “Any thoughts you want to share why you have not talked to your family about the bullying? This will help us understand you and your situation more deeply.

Dear Dr. Holmes and Mr. Baer:

No 🙁 I haven’t told them. It would hurt them and I would like to just keep it from them 🙁 I already have decided that i’ll live my life the way I want to and maybe have a brighter future and do not let the words down me, but let the words be my motivation 🙂 Thank you for replying 🙂 – Dead Star 

The above message is reassuring at some level, but do you see how, if Dead Star didn’t have to worry about her parents’ feelings so much, she could have opened up to them more? After this initial opening up, if her parents picked up on the urgency and intensity of her feelings, all 3 of them could have tried to find solutions. 

Actually finding these solutions may take a lot longer, but knowing her parents are on her side supporting her (rather than expecting her to take care of her own problems) would be a good start.

This is what children and teenagers need – at least one person in the world they are certain not only loves them, but is strong and cares enough to try and deal with anything they may bring up, someone who will still be there no matter what.   

No. I take that back. This is what everyone needs, not just children. The lucky ones get this reassurance (which contributes to a healthy self concept) from their parents from the get go. A healthy, not-needy relationship with one’s parents serves as a template for future relationships. 

However, the rest of us – not blessed by the gods and thus not having experienced adequate parenting ourselves – have to learn about healthy relationships on our own. 

Am I saying that parents are 100% to blame for any suicidal ideation their children may have? Absolutely not.  Suicide – completed, attempted, planned for  or even seriously fantasized about – is too complicated an event to apportion blame to any one person or incident.

All I am saying is that many times parents can help their children through the rough times, teaching them the resilience we all need to get through life. This parents do most effectively by being resilient themselves, quietly, unobtrusively yet in the most powerful way because it is consistent. 

Dead Star and I shared many more emails, sometimes as many as four a day, until one day she told us she was going back to school and this could no longer email us. Fair enough.  

However, when I emailed her just to let her know the first CN was coming out, this was her answer: 

“Thank you for the heads up regarding the publishing of my letter (Sept. 10) You can email me anytime .…because it is an honor and I would love to do it anytime. I’m great actually. I started to love myself even more. I just turned 13 and it was great. Sorry for the late reply, I haven’t checked my mail for quite a while now. Thank you. “ 

Now THIS email was far more reassuring than previous emails where DS tried to convince us all was ok.  Here are two reasons: 

  • She did not merely tell us she was ok and loving herself more as she used to do in the past.  Here she showed us how she actually was, giving details about her life—having just turned 13 and how it was great, letting us know she would “love to do” something we had discussed in earlier emails; 
  • but most dramatically, she signed off using her real name, suggesting she no longer considered herself a ” dead star,” but a human being with plans and aspirations, able to twinkle and shine as stars do. 

– MG Holmes

The Natasha Goulbourn Foundation has a depression and suicide prevention hotline to help those secretly suffering from depression. The numbers to call are 804-4673 and 0917-558-4673. Globe and TM subscribers may call the toll-free number 2919. More information is available on its website. It’s also on Twitter @NGFoundationPH and Facebook. 

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