[Two Pronged] I’m sleeping with my fiance and our best friend

Rappler’s Life and Style section runs an advice column by couple Jeremy Baer and clinical psychologist Dr Margarita Holmes.

Jeremy has a master’s degree in law from Oxford University. A banker of 37 years who worked in 3 continents, he has been training with Dr Holmes for the last 10 years as co-lecturer and, occasionally, as co-therapist, especially with clients whose financial concerns intrude into their daily lives.

Together, they have written two books: Love Triangles: Understanding the Macho-Mistress Mentality and Imported Love: Filipino-Foreign Liaisons.

Dear Dr Holmes and Mr Baer,

I have been with my partner “David,” the love of my life, since high school. We’ve been dating for 7 years, engaged for two. We shared our first kiss and all of our first sexual experiences with each other and I thought we were happy together. 

We met our best friend “John” at work 3 years ago. We instantly hit it off and the 3 of us began spending a lot of time together. John was in a long distance relationship. 

Eighteen months ago, I realized my crush for John, fantasizing about leaning in for a kiss and maybe even hooking up, for a one-time thing. My fiancee has never wronged me. David is a loving, loyal, and hard-working man. I never before had thoughts like this about anyone else;.

I thought about John constantly, texting him throughout the day, thinking of him during sex with David. John and I are on the same “frequency,” can talk for hours. David isn’t a chatty storyteller.

I was in an emotional affair with John. Every night he came over and we’d talk until the early morning, even after David had fallen asleep.  

I found out he had broken up with his gf and I wondered:  “What if I shouldn’t let this pass me by?” “What if staying with David will make me unhappy in the end, and if I should really be with John?” “What if John is the missing piece in my life?” 

I was carrying this burden with me every day, and I knew I had to do something to make it go away before I went crazy.  

But I was acting like everything was fine with David, though we were fighting more. These fights centered around his inability to talk to me. When I tell him stories or try to talk to him about anything, it can get very frustrating; he oftentimes has a very short or no response at all. 

He can sit in silence or occupy himself with TV, which I am not able to do because of severe chronic pain and anxiety, which makes sitting still very difficult to me.

David was diagnosed with ADD, and non-treatment of this issue might be part of our problem. But his short attention span and non-chattiness are the only reasons to break it off with David. 

I I loved him more than anything had a promise to uphold, but began fearing a lifetime of unhappiness if David and I stayed together. I could picture John and me effortlessly spending time together for the rest of our lives, and thinking I might miss out on this tore me apart.  

On my 23rd birthday, after coming home drunk from the bar, David, John and I went in the living room. After David fell asleep, I decided to cuddle up with John. I later asked John, “Why does being close to you feel so good?”

The next week we confessed how much we liked each other. Guilty about betraying David, I was relieved this burden was finally out in the open.

Next time David fell asleep again, John and I kissed for the first time, in front of the couch David was on. The next time we were alone, I gave him oral sex, then full intercourse a few meetings after. 

Our physical connection was magic, and we had sex on Fridays and Saturdays throughout April, while David was at work. We also hooked up in other rooms of our houses, if David dozed off.  

With my stomach hurting 24/7 and my brain consumed with unhealthy thoughts, we set a date for when we’d break it off. We both knew what we were doing was very wrong, even though it felt incredible. I was not fully willing to abandon my 7-year relationship and he was not willing to tear apart his best friend’s life. We both knew the likelihood that we’d ever be together was very slim, even though he recently did break it off with his girlfriend. 

But we’ve started to make out on a handful of occasions since then. It lasted for hours but I refused to do anything more. This last week was the first time we didn’t try to sneak off to make out at some point.

I want to make things work with David, but I can’t get John out of my head.  David wants to start planning our wedding, but I keep postponing because of mixed feelings about a lifetime with this one man. If I marry David I fear I’ll regret not seeing how things would’ve been with my best friend. 

But I really want to someday marry David. I like seeing him happy. He’d make a wonderful father. He treats me like a princess. He’s going somewhere in life. He’s a genuinely good guy. And he’s the handsome man straight out of every girl’s fantasy. John doesn’t even have half of his desirable qualities, so why does talking with me, and our effortless connection, trump it all?

John is probably more willing to give me up than to rip me away from David. But that sliver of hope we could eventually be a couple is destroying me. We want to be together, but we care so much about not hurting David. 

How do I move past John? We see each other lots, so will being around John ever be “normal” again? Will I ever forgive myself for betraying David? Can I ever be happy if I live with the thought that I might have chosen the wrong man? Am I making the wrong decision by staying engaged to David? HELPPPPP my brain has been hijacked by this confusion. 

Thank you,

Lola

Dear Lola,

Thank you for your email.

So on the one hand there is David, your fiancé and love of your life, good guy, handsome, going places but with suspected and untreated ADD and an inability to communicate while on the other there is John, best friend, great communicator, great in bed, but with fewer than half David’s positive traits, who you also love. And the 3 of you are best friends. And you want a solution that ensures everyone gets the best deal possible and no one gets hurt.

Well, that simply is not going to happen, I’m afraid.

Perhaps a little perspective is required. First, you seem to believe that the desirable outcome is to marry David or John. Of course, marriage means different things to different people and you have not told us much about your thoughts on the subject. 

Some marry for love, some for security (financial, physical etc.), some under pressure from family or friends, some because of pregnancy… In short, we marry for any number of reasons. 

Your reason for contemplating marriage to David seems to be a sense of obligation. You say that you “have a promise to uphold” and the only reasons to break with him would be “his lack of attention span and chattiness.” 

Yet you appear to gloss over the fact that your relationship with John is at the very least suggestive that your current relationship with David has some major flaws way beyond mere communication. How else is there to explain your physical and emotional infidelity with John? 

And even if you break with John, the yawning void in your relationship with David that John filled will need to be addressed, probably by another great communicator who is also great in bed.

Marriage is hard at the best of times, so at least don’t contemplate it when before the event you have such profound doubts. Thinking that you have to marry either David or John is a false dichotomy – false in that you are narrowing your options to only two outcomes when in fact there are more alternatives.

In all truth, are either of these men ideal life partners? David, the non-communicator, is apparently totally oblivious of the fact that you, his fiancée, have been carrying on with another man for months and months. John, on the other hand, is willing to give you up for his best friend’s sake.

In summary, faced with manifest defects in both candidates, don’t rush into anything. There is nothing wrong in waiting and seeing how matters develop. After all, marriage is supposed to be for life and you want to be as certain as you can that you are making the right choice. 

All the best,

JAF Baer 

—————–

Dear Lola: 

Thank you very much for your letter, which Mr Baer has responded to with an analysis I agree with almost 100%. The only part which I disagree with is his statement: “John, on the other hand, is willing to give you up for his best friend’s sake.”  Frankly, I feel Mr Baer fell for your romanticized description of John hook, line and sinker.

I shall tell you why in a Clinical Notes article later this week.   

All the best,

MG Holmes 

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